![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
Interior Dallas Cowboys practice facility in Frisco Texas.
Enter Offensive Coordinator Kellen Moore:
Kellen Moore: “Hey Scott! How we doing today?”
Enter Scott Tolzein QB coach
Scott Tolzein: “Hey Coach K! Everything is going good. Ready to kick some ass in practice today.”
KM: “Damn good to hear. We’re getting down to nut cutting time ain’t we? Gotta make sure our offense is fine tuned for the playoff stretch.”
ST: “I think we’re going to be playing for a few more games this year. Ol’ Dak has been having a fantastic year.”
KM: “He has had some incredible games for sure. I would really like to focus on his consistency a little more. We are officially out of time to fuck up even a single game.”
ST: “I’ve got a good feeling about this year. I really do. You know, that reminds me, I’ve been working with Dak on his communication skills and I think we may have found a little something.”
KM: “Really? You know, communication has never been his strong suit but Coach McCarthy seems to be able to work with him.”
ST: “I know but I thought we could try something for out on the field communication. You know? In case of audibles and shit.”
KM: “Well, you know Scott, that just isn’t gonna work with Dak and I’m sure you already know the reasons why.”
ST: “Actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you have a minute?”
KM: “Sure. What’s going on?”
ST: “Hang tight for just a sec and I’ll go get Dak.”
Tolzein exits the room. A few minutes later…
[Door Flies Open]
DAK!: ” Mmmhhgmmpphff.”
KM: “You were saying something about communication Scott?”
ST: “Hold on, hold on. Dak? Do me a favor and remove the can from your head.”
KM: “WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!! We can’t do that! All Hell broke loose last time we did that.”
ST: “You gotta trust me on this one Kellen. Alright?”
KM: “Alright but your ass is taking the fall if this shit goes wrong.”
ST: “I got you Kel. Don’t worry. Dak? Go ahead and remove your can for a minute.”
Dak slowly removes can dripping a slimy viscous gelatin all over the floor
DAK! “DAK DAK!!”
KM: shudders “Holy shit I can’t even look at that fucking thing!”
DAK! “DAK DAK!!”
KM: “What the fuck Scott? How the fuck is that going to help us?”
ST: “Hold on, hold on. Dak? I want you to try the new thing I taught you. Remember?”
DAK! “DAK DAK!!”
ST: “No, Dak. The new play call. You can do this.”
DAK! “DAK?!
KM: “Jesus Christ, what are we doing here?”
ST: “No Dak. The new thing.”
DAK! “Uhhh?”
ST: “You can do this Dak. Come on now.”
Dak pauses for a second then looks up quickly and with an ear-splitting sound…
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: covering his ears – “Jesus H Christ! The fuck was that?”
ST: “See Kel?”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “Holy shit, Scott! Make him stop!”
ST: “Don’t you see? He can talk! We can teach him audibles now!”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “Goddammit Scott! He sounds like he slammed his dick in a car door!”
ST: “Jesus, Kel! That’s oddly descriptive.”
KM: “Sorry I got rattled there.”
ST: “I mean, can someone actually do that with a car door?”
KM: “Actually there was this one time… Never fucking mind that! What good is this going to do for the team Scott?”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
ST: “He can talk! He can communicate with the line and his receivers. Don’t you see?”
“KM: “Scott! His head is made out of fucking HAM! What if he gets hit out there?”
KM covers his mouth with both hands.
“Oh Christ I just visualized it.”
ST: “Oh. Geez. I hadn’t thought of that. Sorry Kel.”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “It’s alright Scott. It’s alright, just make him fucking stop for the love of GOD!”
ST: “DAK! Dak, you gotta stop that now!”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “I swear I’m losing my goddamn mind!”
ST: “DAK! STOP!! STOP! Please, put your can back on your head!”
DAK! “Uhhh?”
ST: “The can Dak. Put your can back on.”
DAK!: ” Mmmhhgmmpphff.”
KM: “Oh thank Jesus.”
ST: “Sorry Kel. I was just trying to help.”
KM: “I know Scott but the thing is? Coach McCarthy can actually speak with Dak, even with his can on.”
ST: “He what now? He speaks canned ham?”
KM: “Well kind of? Hang on let me go get coach McCarthy and I’ll show you.”
Kellen Moore exits the room
/a few minutes later
[Door Flies Open]
Mike McCarthy: “Well now. How the hell you boys doing?”
KM: “Good, Coach, good. I just wanted you to help ease Scotts’ mind a bit.”
ST: “Yeah, Sorry to disturb you coach but Kel here says that you can speak with Dak even when he’s wearing his can on his head.”
MM: “Course I can! How the shit do you think I can run a team if I can’t even speak to my own damn quarterback?”
ST: “Sorry to doubt you Coach, it’s just I didn’t think anyone could speak to Dak.”
KM: “Feel like showing him Coach?”
Coach McCarthy grabs a chair
MM: “Why the hell not? Couldn’t hurt to get us all on the same page. Now, Bunny me.”
ST: “Uh, Sorry Coach, I don’t think I understood you.”
MM: “BUNNY ME!”
KM: “What are you waiting for Scott? Bunny the coach.”
Scott Tolzein looks thoroughly puzzled
KM: points to freezer chest in the coaches room “Bunny the coach, Scott!”
ST: a look of understanding passes over Tolzeins’ face – “AHHH! Gotcha!”
Tolzein walks to freezer and opens it. Grabs a carton and heads back to coach
MM: “The fuck am I supposed to eat it with? My goddamn hands? Do I LOOK like DeSantis?”
ST: “Sorry Coach. I’ll get a spoon.”
KM: holding up a 6 oz soup ladle “Try this instead of a spoon.”
ST: “Here you go Coach.”
MM: “Ah Peanut Butter Party. One of my favorites.”
Coach McCarthy rips off the lid and starts shoveling ice cream into his face at a disturbing rate while Tolzein looks away with his face going pale
KM: “Hey Dak! Come on over and grab a seat next to coach.
DAK!: ” Mmmhhgmmpphff.”
KM: “So what’s the game plan for Sunday Coach?”
MM: “Mmmrfffglubmmppher mmphilmmumph.”
DAK!: “Mmmrfffglubmmppher mmphilmmumph?”
MM: “Mmmrfffglubmmppher mmphilmmumph. Thhbbmmpp grruffle fufflemmuublble mumpmh!”
Dak starts clapping his hands in glee
KM: “See Scott?”
ST: “This entire fucking team man. Jesus Christ!”
fin
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