Walking the Walk with a Withered Leg – Ravens Preseason Punchout

See that sentence? I just tore my ACL, sprained my thumb, and suffered a hamstring injury where the tendon unfurled like a flag, burst through my skin and waved around like a kraken’s tentacle.

Yes, this is the life of a Ravens fan over the past many years – injuries. Injuries by the metric fuckload and they never stop. Sure, we fired that Cro Magnon fuckstick of a head trainer – the asshole even managed to give the entire facility COVID. You read that right. I would have gladly paid for Ray Lewis to stab this fucknut in his anus.

So, what do the purple and black have in store for us this year? After last year’s loss in the AFC Championship to that gang of slime eating pukes, I have taken a pledge to never believe in the Ravens when it comes to the postseason.

If they win, excellent. If they lose, fuck it.

Offense

Yes, we have the multi-million-dollar man, and I love the guy. Honestly. He came back 10 pounds lighter – and touched off a media firestorm. Seriously? Who gives a flying fart?

Then, then, he MISSED THREE DAYS OF CAMP BECAUSE HE WAS SICK AND OHMYGOD THERE GOES THE SEASON AND WE PAID HIM TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

Reports from training camp – which consist of bullshit, tattered toilet paper, and spit – say Lamar is performing well. I mean, shit this could be the year he completes more than 10 passes longer than 30 yards.

Want wide receivers? Well, we got ‘em. Now that we have that juggernaut Derrick Henry on our team, expect more RPO. Zay, Bateman and Agholor will all have their own roles in short and medium routes. Perhaps Bateman takes the top off the offense, like Rosie O’Donnell taking the top off a buffet tabl

Tez Walker, rookie, won’t be on the field a lot but once he gets worked in, he’s a huge deep ball threat (again, Lamar’s got to get the fucking ball to him) and scares safeties silly.

This NFL looooves tight ends, look no further than Andrews and Likely.  You can stop short of looking at that walking birth defect Travis Kelce. They’ll continue to be the focal point for Lamar who values Andrews like Linus loves his security blanket.

Now, we know that the game is won in the trenches, and oh boy are we shitting ourselves regarding the offensive line. Zeitler, he gone. Moses, he gone. John Simpson, he gone. Cleveland, Voorhees, and Rosengarten have tall orders to fill. Will they? Won’t they? (One second, my flagon of bourbon has gone dry.)

Okay, I’m back. My forebrain is marinating in the glory of Wild Turkey.

Ronnie Stanley once went out for a season because a butterfly landed on his pinkie. No lie. I’m not even going to write more about this marshmallow.

Defense

BALTIMORE LOVES DEFENSE!

WE ARE BLUE COLLAR!

BRING YOUR LUNCH PAIL!

PUNCH IN!

Christ, can we come up with some new fucking phrases? Like . . .POUND YOUR BALLS WITH A MEAT TENDERIZER SO WE KNOW YOU’RE WORTH OF BEING A RAVEN! Yes, that’s got a nice ring to it.

Patrick Queen left for the Steelers, Clowney went to some team in Cuba, and our edge rush is looking shaky. Again, it all depends on people staying healthy – so hopefully no one trips over a fucking Q-Tip in the trainers’ room and shatters his kneecap.

As for our secondary, stacked like a stripper at Mongo’s House of Mounds

Here we go:

Marlon Humphrey. Brandon Stevens. Marcus Williams. Kyle Hamilton. Eddie Jackson from the Bears. Nate Wiggins and Arthur Maulet. Personally, I think Maulet is a fucking hammer. Always in the right place at the right time.

Special Teams

Tucker. That is all.

The new kickoff rule resembles a steaming pile of rotten entrails covered with elephant shit and finished off with gravy made of pus and rotten feces.

Prediction

Beats the fuck outta me. Our first five games are a gauntlet of top tier teams, if we come out 3-2 then maybe there’s a chance. If not, Baltimoreans will burn down whatever is left of this city. So, don’t expect a huge fire.