BUTT PILLOWS.

YES, THEY ARE!

Allow me to explain and/or provide some context. Zymm, of all people, posted the image below:

I was, naturally, curious. I looked up the Buttress Pillow website and went down a rabbit hole that allowed me to miss the bulk of the Saturday games. I posted some of the other models I found on the Saturday game thread. I will repost them below for your benefit and other pictures from the site. I also found out there are three sizes: The ODB (M), The OMG (L), and The ORT (XL). From the website: The ODB (15x14x7in. | 3 lbs) is modeled after the bubble butt. A great starter pillow. The OMG (18x18x10in. | 5 lbs) is a versatile bed and couch pillow featuring fat cheeks and a more curvaceous shape. The ORT (20x20x11in. | 6 lbs) is our biggest and best sleeping pillow featuring thick thighs and a small waist. It has the most space for sleeping.

As always, I have some questions…

1. Which size should I get?
2. I should match Lady Balls’ booty, shouldn’t I?
3. Would she accuse me of cheating if I got a smaller size?
4. “Do you not like my ass???”
5. Are the makers of The Buttress Pillow aware that this is highly dangerous territory?
6. Isn’t it interesting how all the models are girls?
7. Are girls secretly as much into butts as I am?
8. ARE THEY ALL SECRETLY TINA BELCHERS?!?
9. Have any of you used your significant other’s butt as a pillow before?
10. Do you understand NOW how it is that this product exists?
11. Isn’t it great that you could potentially get the same great sensation without the risk of a fart in the face?
12. Or are you into that?
13. Is this a safe space where we can talk about fart fetishes ?
14. How WASPily is Hippo judging me right now?
15. Now that I think about it, Lady Ballsy won’t get mad if I put one of HER thongs on it, right?
16. Because it’s HER thong?
17. Do you think the next generation of Buttress Pillows will have a voice emulator that says to you “Goodnight, Papi”, plays sounds of the ocean, and/or just emits white noise?
18. Would you pay extra for that?
19. Or maybe the ocean sounds come standard with the Booty Beach model?
20. Would the Deep Sea model play whale songs?
21. Is it a coincidence that the center of the Nirvana pillow is EXACTLY where the butthole would be?
22. Did Quentin Tarantino organize this photo shoot?
23. Isn’t it great that on the website the pictures with multiple girls are labeled “Bed of Butts”?
24. Isn’t that just “Heaven for Balls”?
25. Who wants one of the mini butt keychains that come with my order?

Before you ask, yes, they make Boob Pillows too! Which one are YOU getting?