EDIT: OK GOD- I GET IT. TRYING TO WRITE THESE AHEAD OF TIME IS FOLLY. THE FACT THAT TOM BRADY AND HIS SOCK PUPPET GM ARE GETTING PUBLICLY HATE-FUCKED BY THE RAVENS IS GLORIOUS. I’M SORRY- I WILL LEAVE IT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE FROM NOW ON.

Guys (non-gendered)- I don’t want to cast aspersions on the integrity of NFL personnel folks and agents, but…based on the number of deals announced during the first hour of the “legal tampering” period yesterday…

I’m not sure that some teams weren’t doing a spot of pre-tampering.

My faith. It is shattered.

Seriously then: waaaaay too much going on to summarize here. Even Mike Tanier (who was a math teacher before he became a hilarious Drew/Dr. Z hybrid journalist, and who you should be reading) was complaining on BlueSky about the sheer mad pace of it all.

Everyone’s talking about The Big Moves, but here are the one’s I found most amusing:

-Tua gets dropkicked by Miami for a dead cap number rivaling NASA satellite mission budgets. Even split over two years, taking on $99.2 million for a guy to NOT play for you is perhaps the purest insult a man can sustain.

-Malik Willis gets signed by Miami to be Not Tua. I bear him no ill-will, but there’s some real Rob Johnson/Matt Flynn “he looked good in limited action, let’s give him starter money” vibes here. Disregarding his dire spell in Tennessee (even Josh Allen needs an offensive line), he threw 89 passes in the last two years. As things are developing, he’s going to hit that number of attempts in the first quarter of Week 3 in Miami.

-Travis Kelce returns to KC for another year. This is not what most people mean by “one last fling before marriage” but y’all do you.

-Tua gets signed by the Falcons! I legitimately believe they only signed him because both he and Penix throw left-handed, so when one gets hurt they don’t have to alter the blocking assignments. 4D chess, Matt Ryan!

-Mike Evans goes to San Francisco. I…just don’t get it for either side. Evans has been playing though injuries forever, before a broken clavicle finally put him out-out for half the season last year. He’s going to be 33 on Opening Weekend, coming into his 13th season. Of all places, why San Francisco? Their training staff is so terrible that an entire RFK Jr-scale conspiracy theory has popped up around how regularly and severely injured their folks get.

And Niners- did you need another high injury risk skill-position player? At this point, I can only assume that John Lynch is feeding Pro Bowlers to He Who Walks Behind The Power Lines for some unholy purpose.

-Geno Smith goes back to the Jets. I knew Tom Brady was petty, but sending Smith back into Hell because he made the Raiders look dumb for getting him last year? That’s some champion-level pique. Fuck’s sake, Tom- couldn’t you just drop in the piranha pond at Mark Davis’s house?

You know he has one…