Here’s what I, a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan, know about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

And that about sums it up. I haven’t paid attention to the Bucs since the days Dewey and Lee Roy Selmon ran around creating havoc in those classic creamsicle uniforms. You know that you, like me, you loved those uniforms just like your average steelworker loved that ultra-masculine pirate seen up above.

So let’s start this off the way I started off the Cowboys preview, by asking how the Bucs did last year. And hey, if this preview also results in Jameis Winston breaking his back, that’s just a bonus.

Last year, playing in the NFC South, pictured here the Bucs posted a 6-10 record and finished last in the division. For the 5th straight year. That would be considered an improvement over their past seasons, as they didn’t have to fumigate the locker rooms, they didn’t finish 2-14, and Jameis Winston managed not to (allegedly) rape anyone. Still, finishing behind last year’s New Orleans Saints and Atlanta Falcons, to say nothing of the actually good Carolina Panthers, doesn’t fill their fan base, (I’m assuming they have one. I could be wrong; it’s not like anyone around here gave enough of a fuck about them to do this preview), with a lot of confidence. But, while they finished 6-10 they did so despite losing their last four games and they had a chance to win three of those, so they could have been 9-7 and, well, still missed the play-offs and wound up with a worse draft pick.

And we all know Tampa Bay would never tank games to get a better draft pick.

The Buccaneers are led, for better or worse, by noted free shellfish aficionado Jameis Winston. He had a decent if not spectacular rookie season. Certainly there have been worse rookie season debuts.

Oh Cleveland. You’re just so awful.

Anyway, Winston put up 4,000+ yards, threw 22 TDs and 15 INTs. Not great but not bad for a rookie taking over a team that went 2-14 the year before. He’s got Doug “Muscle Hamster” (I don’t care if you hate the nickname Doug, it’s awesome and I’m gonna use it. Please do not kill me) Martin at RB, who had a bounce back year last year because I did not draft him on my fantasy team when I had the chance. This year I will draft him so I wouldn’t go betting the plastic rolling ball on ol’ Doug this year. At WR they have Mike Evans, a criminally underrated, (by me), receiver who always seems to produce, and Vincent Jackson, who was good but who is 33, (said the 47 year old), and coming off a season in which two knee injuries forced him to miss six games.

Some stuff I just read says that the offensive line is a strength and that the Bucs had two really good rookies last year. So sure, let’s go with that. Logan Mankins retired though, and he used to play for the Patriots, so I’m guessing the Bucs will need to add some grit.

The defense sucked. Although I recall some talk that the Bucs fired Lovie Smith because they were afraid they’d otherwise lose now-head coach Dirk Koetter to another team, thereby setting back Winston’s progress, (and it’s about time that kid got a break), the information our there now is that Lovie was most likely fired because he’s a defensive specialist and the defense sucked.

(Pictured: All that was left in Lovie’s former office)

The Bucs addressed their defensive needs by drafting a kid out of Eastern Kentucky who managed to get kicked out of Ohio State for drugs and signing Brett Grimes from the Dolphins. No issues there. They also drafted Vernon Hargreaves at CB, who should be really good, and took a kicker in the second round, which is fucking hilarious.

So what does it all mean?

First, in your 2016 lock of the year, they will continue to look like shit in that godawful red and pewter fiasco they’ve got going on know. Lee Roy Selmon deserves better you pricks.

Second, they’re not gonna be good, but they won’t be terrible. Sort of like mold in a locker room, they’ll just hang around until people start wishing they’d just go away. Jackson’s older and has bad knees. I don’t trust Doug Martin. I don’t think you improve a defense by drafting a guy with an apparent fondness for MDMA or signing Brett Grimes and his lunatic wife. And I know you don’t improve a team at all by using a second round pick on a kicker, especially if that kicker does this with his first ever PAT attempt. Taking a quick look at their schedule I’m calling a 7-9 campaign, tied for irrelevant-because-only-Carolina-will-go-to-the-playoffs-in-this-shitstorm-of-a-division.