10,000ish Posts!: Tuesday Open Thread

Whelp, it finally happened. This ragtag website, “run” by a bunch of idiots, shitheads, ne’erdowells, reprobates and overall dumbasses,  has  reached 10,000 posts.

And I just want to say, on behalf of those behind the scenes, who put their heart, soul, time and money into this crazy little online clubhouse:

What an incredible fucking waste.

No, seriously, it’s been amazing. I did my drunken heartfelt Thing last summer and it’s still true now. Sure, the 10,000ish hours it took to write these posts probably could have been spent on more productive things like yoga, volunteerism, stuffing our thumbs up our asses and wiggling- really almost anything. But instead we did it For You.

It is also auspucious that we reach this milestone nine years to the day from when, back in the Old Country, RobotsFightingDinosaurs posted his famous article calling Budweiser out for not actually being #upforwhatever (“whatever” being “infinite free booze for his birthday party”, plus adult contemporary music’s Josh Groban). Like Gavrilo Princip with his pistol, Martin Luther with his theses, or Beatrice Ojakangas with her pizza rolls, no one knew that this was the match to light the world’s funeral pyre.

NFL NEWS

The NFL is pretty fucking quiet right now. [EDIT: I don’t know why I bother writing these things until an hour before posting]

-LATE BREAKING CRIMEBEAT!: Chiefs wide receiver and bumper car enthusiast Rashee Rice is headed for another chat with Dallas’ “Finest” in connection with a fight at a nightclub Monday morning that sent a guy to the hospital. He is a “suspect” at this point, and even if he’s charged, assault is a tricky one to predict in Texas. But when you already have six felony counts hanging over your head, it’s hard to see this ending well for Rice

-JJ Watt, seeing that the Texans have an Actual Team this year, has selflessly volunteered to ride DeMeco Ryans’ coattails to a potential championship if Ryans “absolutely needs it.” Listen, I get that a lot of folks think Watt ‘deserves’ a championship after playing at a high level for many disappointing teams. And if he signs early in the season, sure. But if they sign him in Week 17 and he’s there as a mascot “feel good story,” he can fuck all the way back to his woodpile. And I can’t see him lasting an entire season in the absence of Lindsey Vonn’s FDA-Approved Medicinal Handjobs.

-America’s least favorite nephew, Chad Kelly, is now causing international incidents. The Toronto Argonaut, fresh off an MVP season in Canada, has been suspended for at least 9 games after a CFL investigation into the allegations in a former strength and conditioning coach’s lawsuit. How will the City of Toronto cope with disappointment in sports?