As an homage to the overused sports writing trope of “[X number] Burning, Itching, Throbbing Questions for [X Team/X Sport/X League]”, I present to you a list of questions that I, an uninformed and easily distracted NFL fan, had after Week 3.  For a point of reference, I watched one quarter of Colts v. San Diego and one quarter of Cowboys v. Bears.  And one blow-out loss by my son’s 7 year-old flag football team.

1. Did you know that BOLTMAN is too poor to travel with the Chargers?
2. Do you think it is because his utilities are too high?
3. Does he use more electricity than a normal person?
4. Does he live in a lair of sorts, or just in a hydroelectric damn?
5. Will he be homeless when California runs out of water?
6. Did you know T.Y. Hilton is still playing?
7. Do you get him confused with Pierre Garçon and Reggie Wayne?
8. They are all really the same guy, right?
9. Do you think Pierre Garçon and John Pierre-Paul hang out together in cafes wearing berets while eating baguettes, chain smoking cigarettes, and denigrating the uncouth American way of life?
10. Would one of you Photoshop that for me?
11. Speaking of smoking, is John Pierre-Paul covering his lobster claw with a special glove this year, or going full barehanded Zoidberg?
12. When I road rage, I have been using the terms “dickfuck” and “buttfuck” to swear at other drivers lately, instead of the traditional “assface”. Do our swearing patterns change as we get older?
13. Are “dickfuck” and “buttfuck” somehow homophobic?
14. I probably shouldn’t say those words with my kids in the car, right?
15. So the preferred Trevor Siemian pun is Trevor “Semen”, right, so we can say things like “It took Gary Kubiak a lot of balls to just throw Semen out there without knowing what would happen”?
16. How are the Broncos still so good?
17. I guess Travathan and Malik Jackson were just bit players, right?
18. Is Gary Kubiak a good coach, or has he just had a stroke (hahahahahahahahaha) of good luck with Denver’s defense and Wade Phillips?
19. You really don’t meet too many guys name Wade nowadays, do you?
20. It is odd to name your kid after the act of slowly walking through water, though, isn’t?
21. Wade is probably a better name than Praxxtyn, though, right?
22. So is the “Colin Kaepernick being a spark-plug for the anti-police brutality movement” thing over now that he has proven through his comments that he has no more political acumen than your average Gary Johnson voter (i.e., both candidates are bad, DO SOMETHING CONGRESS)?
23. How did the Steelers lose by 20 something points to the Eagles?
24. I bet Ben missed his pregame rape to limber up, didn’t he?
25. I should probably watch more football, shouldn’t I?