Sadly, the usual Wednesday night auteur, Senor Weaselo The Stringplucker, had an emergecy pizzicato party to attend, so you’re stuck with the non-union equivalent. Fear not! I shall endeavor to guide us through this Humpiest of Days with a menagerie of mindfarts and wordvomit that should sate even the most greedy of content consumers.

Or I’ll just type at random and hope the infinite number of monkeys thing is accurate.

Don’t have any violin stories or New York City restaurant experiences, so let’s talk about something that’s relevant to our little corner of the world. MALIBU IS ON FIRE.

No, Courtney Love didn’t set it (probably), but it was exacerbated (heh “bated”) by a phenomenon called The Santa Ana Winds. Normally, the prevailing wind here in Southern California comes from the ocean (the big blue thing to our left), and blows (again, heh) inland, cooling off coastal areas and inflating real estate prices. But every so often we get a wacky high pressure dome over the inland deserts, and the wind rushes in from that direction. The winds blow through the Santa Ana mountains (thus the name!) and pick up speed due to this tunnel effect. Since the winds start from the desert, they are bone-dry and dehumidify the entire Southland. As a result, the tiniest spark will set off a thousands-of-acres fire in no time flat. Much of the time these fires are started by stupid and/or evil people, because people are just the worst.

So anyway, we’ve had the Santa Ana Wind conditions here for a couple of days, and of course there’s a massive fire as a result. Of note, Dick Van Dyke had to evacuate his house, which sucks because he’s a national treasure and like 243 years old. Also, other rich people are losing their houses, which in theory also sucks. The good thing about this weather condition is we can see a lot more stars (astronomically, not Hollywoodly) than usual. But mostly, the state just burns like untreated gonorrhea pee.

And now, sports.

Bill Belichick is taking his disturbingly young girlfriend to Chapel Hill to coach the Tar Heels football squadron. Why? I guess so he can scout future girlfriends? Can’t wait for the overhyped UNC broadcasts next season.

Some Ohio state lawmaker is submitting a bill that would make planting a flag on the Ohio State 50 year line a felony. Every time I think “How the hell could people be stupid enough to vote for Trump?” there’s some story like this that instead makes me think “How did Trump not win by more?” I swear, countries like France or Portugal or New Zealand or Botswana look more attractive all the time.

Juventus beat Manchester City today in Champions League action. ABBONDANZA I GOT SOME-A MARINARA ON MY FANCIEST JORTS-A. That’s the second time in a week some Italian has been effective at shooting.

What’s on tonight?

You can watch the Rangers play Buffalo at hockey, which is on TNT at 7 Eastern. At the same time on ESPN, the Knicks are hosting the Hawks in hoopsball. Later on TNT, more hoopsball as Golden State travels to Houston.  ESPN2 has Colgate at Kentucky, but that seems like a waste of toothpaste.

Byesies for now!