Evening. Thank you for sticking round through the technical difficulties. Now, I don’t wanna test your patience or nothing, but I like summer. Somehow, summer still fills my brain with NO SCHOOL WOOOO phantom glee. For me, June also marks the start of the pre-Preseason, the absolutely fuck-all going on portion. And within this drought of hot enefel action, every year in June I ask myself: will I give “Hard Knocks” a try this time?

I mulled it over—tl ; dr

With this gif, I would’ve run the credits right there and walked away. But since the time of Nokias, the blogosphere demands complaining WITH elaboration. It’s canonical Internet, really. But instead of outright bitching, I’m gonna run a classic logical exercise:

I like documentaries and I’m nuts about the NFL.

 

Hard Knocks is a documentary.

 

Therefore, all Greeks can’t be Socrates because Hard Knocks fucking sucks.

For me, Hard Knocks is an overt marketing job for the NFL, but that does not offend me. Didja see “Becoming Led Zeppelin” on nerfli? Total in-house pamphleteering. But Jesus Christ those fellas are compelling. Yet, some propaganda is unswallowable. Manager Peter Grant cannot look, in all archive pictures, like a goofy uncle at a picnic. Whole lotta airbrushing, if I remember my “Hammer of the Gods” correctly. Still, that doc had unbeatable first-hand accounts and materials—including a voice over interview by John Henry fucking Bonham. I had never heard his voice, nor read any interview with him. Approved.

The Last Dance, about the Bulls’ second three-peat, was great. Ten episodes though? Ok, let’s see. Last Dance gave viewers a lot of new information, updated past beefs, and confirmed that Michael Jordan is an All-Time resentmenter. Goods, brought.

Still, 10 episodes is uh… Kinda grandiose? Ultimately, that doesn’t bother me because Last Dance covered the highest stakes and its subjects are very interesting people. Hard Knocks, on the other hand, offers you preseason battles, staged team-building activities, and coaches lecturing. Personal prejudices also turn me away from Hard Knocks. “You’re cut” snuff films ain’t my vibe, nor UDFA Sysiphus porn.

Moving on, I can’t leave this one in the chamber. I think Derek Jeter’s nifty and all, but a SEVEN episodes miniseries about him?

That many episodes, you’d think The Captain liberated Yonkers back in 1998 or something. I do respect Jeter though, who truly had an uncanny eye for tan lines. Seriously though, check out the third episode: “Greatness Means Moisturizing”.

NFL NEWS

Nope, nothing.

SPROTS TOMITE

All times Central.

NBA FINALS GAME 2

Pacers (1-0) @ Thunder (guess) – 7:00

GRANDES LIGAS

As always, slur-free.

Medias Rojas (Dobbins) @ Y*nk*s (Rodón) – 6:00

TOP FLIGHT FUTBOL

Home team first, per metric scheduling.

Colombia

 Atlético Junior v. Independiente Medellín – 6:15

Once Caldas v. Millonarios – 8:20

U.S.A.

 MLS

Portland Timbers v. St. Louis CITY [sic] – 6:00

LAFC v. Sporting Kansas City – 8:00

Vancouver Inters v. Seattle Sounders – 8:00

Venezuela

 Deportivo La Guaira v. Portuguesa – 7:30

FINALLY,

Hard Knocks did make me respect NFL players much more. Without the inside look, I never would have imagined the horrors of so many fucking meetings about values and attitude with coaches. So, many, lectures! I still believe that too many words, as an agent of change, is called brainwashing.

What I do hate about documentaries is when there’s a lot of conjecture, reenactments, and folks sitting down reminiscing on camera. But when the person reminiscing is Robert McNamara, in The Fog of War, yes please.

This is what I most enjoy in documentaries: footage from the period, first-hand accounts, seamless editing that lets the material tell the story. Plus compelling subjects or high stakes events. “Diego Maradona”, on achebeo is the finest documentary I’ve seen. The film covers Maradona’s time in Napoli, a team that had won nothing until he showed up. And it’s far from hagiography; there’s Mafia and drugs and cheating. Plus a lot of old footage from home cameras, game action in close angles from pitch-level, very little voice over. Bonus: watch the footage from LATAM and watch the footage from Napoli—truly #OneSwarthUnderGod.

In the non-downer category, my favorite documentaries are spoofs. I love, love the Documentary Now! series by Bill Hader and Fred Armisen, fake documentaries satirizing real documentaries. The episodes are smart and goofy, funny even if you are unaware of what they are spoofing. “Juan Likes Rice and Chicken” is my favorite, a hilarious 21 minutes about a perfectionist chef in Colombia and his sons. Armisen’s Spanish is incredible. It’s on Season 2 Episode 2, always picks me up.