Whistling Past The Graveyard: Tuesday Open Thread

Dear DFO Degenerates:

I hope this post finds you well and in good spirits.

I hope this post finds you well.

I hope this post finds you.

I’m choosing to be hopeful that we are not at UltraWar as this post publishes, because…well…I’m not sure this is the place we should be hanging out post-Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Or maybe it is.

Whatever. I’m sure that would result in the mother of all banner quotes.

So yeah. Whether the United States has backed down or committed (more) war crimes using conventional weaponry, let’s talk Football:

-Kirk Cousins is a Raider! This makes a fair amount of sense if you don’t think too hard. The Raiders brass have just enough braincells between them to realize assuming Fernando Mendoza will be Ready in time for Week 1 is dumb even by Raider standards (sorry RTD). Cousins will cost them only $1.3 million, thanks to the Falcons being the Falcons and paying him another $18+ million to not play for them. Cousins can start until their bye week (or whenever Maxxxxx Crosby gets traded again) and keep them…well, more respectable than they have been. Low bar, sure, but…

As for Cousins, Vegas is an odd fit. Yes, he wants to be a starter somewhere, and the Raiders have at least a lucky-dip chance of being not-sucky, if for no other reason than at least half their team is new. Contrast this with the Jets (intentional dumpster fire) or Steelers (likely dumpster fire, might have to play second fiddle to Aaron Rodgers) and I get it. I would have thought Minnesota, hurt feelings aside, but I can’t figure out whether the Vikings are rebuilding, rolling the dice that either Murray or McCarthy pulls a Darnold, or are delusional enough to think those two plus Wentz represent a functional quarterback room.

-Dexter Lawrence wants out of New York…maybe. The gigantic defensive tackle is in Year 3 of a four-year contract extension, but has requested a trade due to apparent displeasure with his contract. Given that John Harbaugh is now semi-de-facto GM in New York, this may just be a way to put him back on his heels before he gets settled in. He may realize that his $18 million non-guaranteed salary the next two years is a bit tenuous, given that he had a down year last year (half a sack) despite having the most talented (on paper) collection of linemates in the league. Or maybe he genuinely wants out of New Jersey, which…I get it.

-The Dolphins have Troy Aikman on retainer, despite him being an active broadcaster who (by his own terms) has “information that they don’t have or can’t get”. I’d be more concerned with him spying if I thought he had the brains God gave a goldfish.