Woo, Hoo. Pre-Preseason Sunday PM Etc. Etc.

A very good evening, biutiful gentee WOOOO. All NFL teams have opened training camps and the Hall of Fame Game is next Thursday. I hope you are into fitbaw preparations, by which I mean:

1. letting family know you are good for only the next coupla Sundays of ‘26, and
2. analyze whether to choose an extra tasteless FF team name or sticking with tradition (zero-nuance offensive).

From the literature, I recommend sober 1 and impaired 2, y viceversa.

NFL NEWS

-Jadeveon Clowney signs with the Houton Imaginaries, his seventh team. Clowney, a Roughing-the-passer for-hire, started his career his Houston.  It’s really a homecoming.

-WR Deebo Samuel signs with the 49ers. Now this is a reunion I can get behind. Don’t know if Deebo still has the wheels, hope SF gives him several rushes per game. A tough runner the last time I saw him, which was two seasons ago.

-LB Devon White signs with the Lions. White is a former All-Pro in Tampa Bay, played last year with the RAAAAIIIIII DUUUUUURSSS.

NFL DOWNERS

Best wishes to

-49ers WR Ricky Pearsall. Will have season-ending knee surgery.

-Saints DT Bryan Breese. Will have season ending knee surgery

-NY Giants players. Will have a season of unending John Harbaugh blatherings.

NFL PHILANTROPY

-Bills S C.J. Gardner Johnson donated $20,000 to pay a Bills staffer’s student loans. Immediately afterwards, head coach Joe Brady scolded Gardner Johnson for live streaming from the Bills locker room. Then the safety suffered a lower calf strain yesterday in practice.

tl dr, be like this to avoid misfortune

Din’t mean to get all Aesop on ya, sa ree.

[INTERMISSION]

Best one-two of the week.

(1), Lazio signs Mussolini’s great grandson

(2)

NFL DELUSIONS

-TEN’s backup QB Will Levis described himself as “a dang good quarterback” and inside the top 31 QBs in the NFL “for sure”. Levis, an enterprising bumbler, needs to stand out because Tennessee signed QB [sigh] Mitch Trubisky.

Believe me when I say to you: the Titans QB room is not big enough for two shithead backups. Fact [Fun deferred]: The NFL game film on Levis and Biskit contains every possible turnover a QB can commit in Pee Wee football. Where was I? Ah yes. I was ranting AND babbling.

Kidding aside, Levis is very talented. His brand of cornball positivism would make him a star celebrity reporter, or a noted Astrologer. It’s beyond doubt that Levis has the tools for a great career, whether at school or in real life. Sure, I can jest and exaggerate for effect. But I swear on my daughter: I can’t wait to see the next chapter in the life of Will Levis, the post-Titans one.

I may be overthinking this. New Titans OC, Brian Daboll, will obviously bond with Trubiski over fart jokes and Pilates MILF Instagram. But if I am honest with myself, my deepest fear is that Daboll will get a crush on Levis. I mean, pft. Levis is like an AI-slop Jaxson Dart–a waaay wordier and more vacuoUs version of Dart.

NON-NFL SPROTS TO MIGHT

Grandes Ligas

Medias Rojas (Bennett) @ Doyers (Sheehan) – 7:20 EST

Have read a lot about last night’s Dodgers – Tigers trade, and how it virtually guaranteed a lockout for 2027 baseball. I put this to you, and

WNBA

Toronto @ Golden State – 8:30 EST

FINALLY,

off the toppa my head, this is some stuff I’m looking forward to this season:

-The AFC South. I think 2026 is the season when the AFC-S, the NFL’s Island of Misfit Toys, becomes the NFL’s Island of Dr. Moreau

-The Valentines’ Day Owl. Can you imagine two NFL fanbases coopting the Hallmark-est of holidays?!

-Gamblor’s umbrage – I haven’t gambled at all in 2026. I was waiting for the NFL, and may just become an NFL-only gambler. (Until the first Kalshi / Draftkings insider fraud case comes to light.) This is because, in the National Fitbaw Lee, there are enough screwy results every week that are perfect for my main three wagering strategies: (1) impaired spite picks, (2) empty-head wishcasting, and (3) kinda-informed hunches.

It’s on, peeps