Matt Hasselbeck Has A Rough Day

Matt Hasselbeck: Man, what a great day! Backing up this Andrew Luck kid is such a wonderful job, it’s like he never gets hurt! Thank God I didn’t take the Cowboys’ offer. Man, would I ever be sore. Hey, there’s a 7-Eleven! I could sure go for a Slurpee right now.

7-Eleven Clerk: One Slurpee. Will that be all, Chromedome?

Matt Hasselbeck: Wait…what did you say?

7-Eleven Clerk: One Slurpee. Will that be all, Chromedome?

Matt Hasselbeck: Uh, I guess.

(walks home, a little sad)

Matt Hasselbeck: Aw, the darn paper’s in the bushes again. Hey, neighbor, did you see the paperboy today?

Neighbor: Nope, sorry. Next time I see him I’ll let him know Mr. Clean is pissed.

Matt Hasselbeck: No, my last name’s Hassel – oh, I get it. I get jokes.

(runs inside before neighbor sees his eyes well up)

Matt Hasselbeck: (sniffling a bit) Man, people can be just so, so uncaring. Maybe I’ll send out a tweeter to let everyone know how hurtful they can be.

(connects to AOL)

@Hasselbeck: Hey, everyone! Just a reminder to be kind to everyone! #BaldGuysMatter

Matt Hasselbeck: There, that should do it. Now, for a nice nap.

(naps nicely)

Matt Hasselbeck: Gee, that was refreshing. Let’s see if anyone saw my twit!

@Hasselbeck: Hey, everyone! Just a reminder to be kind to everyone! #BaldGuysMatter

Patrick Stewart @KirksASissyMary

@Hasselbeck  Splendid and Top Notch!

Matt Hasselbeck: All right – a positive response! I hope they’re all like that…

Lee Majors @BetterStrongerFaster

@Hasselbeck  Hey, don’t you care about stuntmen? #FallGuysMatter

Dikembe Mutombo @WhoWantsToSexMe

@Hasselbeck  I wag my finger at you. #TallGuysMatter

Roy Horn @NotAllTigers

@Hasselbeck  What wrong brain with you damage? #MauledGuysMatter

Fortunato @TapThatCask

@Hasselbeck  (muffled sounds) #WalledGuysMatter

Matt Hasselbeck: Oh man, everyone’s taking this wrong. I wasn’t trying to say other guys don’t matter, I was just drawing attention to a specific problem with people verbally abusing bald guys. This is really disheartening. I need to talk to someone who gets me.

(dials phone)

Tim Hasselbeck: Hello?

Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, bro, it’s Matt.

Tim Hasselbeck: [whispers] Oh, crap…listen Matt, I’m not supposed to talk to you. Elizabeth said you joined some kind of hate group…?

Matt Hasselbeck: …