We don’t care about Horatio’s fantasy teams so much that we don’t even care about not caring about them anymore. Even Horatio doesn’t care. So this week we turn to not caring about MY fantasy team. And there’s a lot to not care about here. We are not caring so hard we make Jay Cutler look like Mother Theresa.
As I have previously mentioned, this is my first-ever foray into fantasy football, and it’s in Sill’s 20-team DFO league with, shall we say, unconventional scoring rules. For those dear readers who were not caring about Horatio’s “Dora and her Fuck Monkey” team, this is the same leauge. Out of the 20 teams, “Monty’s Strange Team” currently sits comfortably in 20th place. I plotted all the teams in Excel and ran a few algorithms, and the data suggests that I am in “last” place.
[avatar user=”montythisseemsstrangetome” size=”thumbnail” /]
That’s a sad Monty. 😥
My starting QB is Drew Brees. The Drew Brees who has thrown up video game numbers every year up until this season. The Drew Brees who got fewer points than Blake Bortles (who was on my bench) in Week 2. The Drew Brees who didn’t play last weekend due to a shoulder injury.
My top running back is LAST YEAR’S NFL RUSHING LEADER, DeMarco Murray, who averaged negative eleventy billion yards the first two games, then sat out the third game while watching Ryan Fucking Mathews run for 100 yards.
My backup running back is Montee Ball, who, granted, I really only drafted because of the name synergism. Seemed like a good move for my #brand. The only problem is that Ball hasn’t technically “played” any “football” this year and isn’t presently “on” any NFL “roster”. He’s still been better than Spray Tan.
My defense is the normally reliable Kansas City Chiefs, but they just gave up 5 touchdowns to Aaron Rodgers in the Battle Of The Midwest Cities With Populations Most Likely To Suffer A Heart Attack That Somehow Didn’t Include Indianapolis.
On a positive note, my top wide receiver is Emmanuel Sanders, who doesn’t necessarily put up Julio Jones numbers, but he’s pretty reliable and consistent, and you know week-in week-out that he’s going to get a lot of targets from Peyton. Also my kicker is Stephen Gostkowski who’s getting a lot of extra points since Brady has thrown, like, 75 touchdowns in the first 3 games. Oh shit, the Pats are on bye this week.
The rest of my team consists of other NFL players, probably. I really don’t care all that much.
So, it’s been a rough start to the season for Monty’s Strange Team. At this point I’m pretty much writing off the $750 entry fee that Sill made us all pay, right guys?
Guys?
Sill?
I’m 0-3 in Sill’s League of Insane Rules That I Didn’t Read All That Well, but at least I’m not in last place and didn’t fall for that $750 entry fee bullshit.
I only paid $250. Sucker.
I want to chime in and say fuck CJ Anderson.
I too would like to give Mr. Anderson a hearty fuck you. And fuck you to whoever wrote the article that I read about Denver’s zone blocking scheme and how he was going to thrive behind it.
PS – I’m 0-3 in both of the leagues I’m in. And in last place…. putting up the least amount of points. I’m bad at this.
http://babysimpson.co.uk/gallery/frames/6/2f03/153.jpg
Honestly, this is what you get for drafting Denver RBs…
My roommate was stunned when I said I wouldn’t have drafted Andersen in the first 10 rounds. He bet me 10 bucks that he’d have at least 1,000 yards rushing this year.
Do I frame the bill, or just drink the 22 in front of him?
Drink the 22, have him sign the bottle and keep it in a highly visible spot.
Oh Mr. Anderson may go fuck himself long and hard.
I too am 0-3 in both of my leagues, and the only reason I still watch is due to DFO and welll FOOTTTBAAAWWWWW
…the Battle Of The Midwest Cities With Populations Most Likely To Suffer A Heart Attack That Somehow Didn’t Include Indianapolis.
“Hey, what are we, chopped liver?”
[gets hungry for chopped liver]
– Minnesota Vikings fans
[Ragnar demands $20,000 per serving of chopped liver]