Tom Brady says Bill Belichick uses fights like last night’s between the Steelers and Browns as teaching moments. Good opportunity to remind players of what not to do. pic.twitter.com/UaPmfapK7k

— Phil Perry (@PhilAPerry) November 15, 2019

Interior, Patriots training facility, Gillette Stadium – a luxury suite

Bill Belichick: grumble grumble Okay, it’s 15 minutes to 10:00. Time to start the meeting. grumble grumble

Tom Brady: You know it, coach! I can’t wait to learn something new today!

Cody Kessler: Mr. Brady? Do you think me & Stidham could attend this meeting?

TB: FUCK YOU, MEAT! YOU’RE THIRD ON THE DEPTH CHART! THIS IS STILL MY TEAM, AND IF YOU TRY AND SIT ANYWHERE BUT THE BACK ROW I’LL HAVE GUERRERO FEED YOU SO MUCH ZAROXOLYN COACH HAS TO BRING BACK HOYER!

BB: Is everything okay, Tom?

TB: Yessir it is, coach. Just letting the other guys in on a team secret.

BB: That’s great. Okay, first up – Sanu? You’re now benched until the playoffs.

Mohamed Sanu: The Hell? Coach – what gives?

BB: Nothing. I just miss Malcolm Butler. Loved that boy like a son. He didn’t even realize I benched him that whole game just to keep him nearby. Ungrateful turd.

Julian Edelman: (whispers) Mo – don’t worry. By the end of the meeting he’ll have found someone else. 

TB: Shut up Julian! I’m trying to listen to coach.

JE: Easy there, TP12. (snickers)

BB: (irritated) Problems Tom?

TB: Absolutely not, coach. Please continue. (shoots glare at Edelman, who snickers again)

BB: Okay, as you know we have the Cowboys at home next Sunday. Chung?! How are you preparing for Cooper?

Patrick Chung: Well, coach. I’ve been watching tape with Devin (McCourty), and I think we’ve figured out a couple of tells that Prescott uses when he’s looking downfield.  

BB: That’s a good start. Tell me, have you been in contact with the Astros?

PC: Umm…coach?

BB: The Houston Astros, son. Look – Goodell watches us like a “hawk” these days (coaching staff snickers). We can’t afford to be caught stealing signals again. Tom might die before his suspension ends.

TB: Oh, you. C’mon coach. (nervously laughs)

BB: So I’ve had to sub-contract. How do you think the Astros won their World Series? On the basis of talent? Christ – their MVP is like, what? Four foot ten?!

Julian Edelman stifles a whimper & looks at the floor, wiping away a solitary tear…  

BB: … so once I caught wind of that scheme I knew that was a level of chicanery I could ally with. It’s why I had Bielema leave that phone number in your locker.

PC: Oh, so that’s what that number was. I called it thinking some honey had dropped off her digits while we were playing.

BB: Did you at least try to leave a message?

PC: Sure did, but I think the numbers got crossed, because all I heard on the other end was someone complaining about Washington, and figured it was the [*Redacted] s complaining about their stadium. So I just hung up. Couldn’t we just ask the Red Sox?

BB: ARE YOU RETARDED?! I – Sorry, Patrick. I shouldn’t snap like that. But it is a stupid question. Goodell would expect us to work with the Red Sox on cheating, and that Manfred guy thinks he’s Bart Giamatti with his looking to suspend people.

TB: I tried confusing them, coach.

BB: Yes you did Tom, but as I said – it should have been Gisele in the hat, and nothing else but a bikini. No one is going to believe that TAWMMY BRADY is going to risk his endorsements by wearing something so obvious. Now (points to the door at the back of the room) if Kessler there had been wearing a Yankees hat, people would believe it because he’s so new.

Tom Brady whips his head around, to hear what sounded to Rex Burkhead like the muffled scream of a twelve year-old girl but was actually Cody Kessler shouting “He saw me. RUN!” to Jarrett Stidham. Tom Brady points menacingly at the door, shaking with inconsolable rage; the word “fuckers” escaped his gritted teeth.

BB: (shaking his head) Anyway, that’s a nice segue to today’s topic – “Keeping your head on the field.” Now, I’m sure we all saw what happened in Cleveland the other week.

BB: I haven’t seen someone that angry since I asked Izzo how old his mom was. (muffled laughter fills the room)

Ryan Izzo: (defensively agitated) C’mon coach – that’s my mom! You know how defensive I am about her. 

BB: All I asked was if she was a good Catholic girl. grumble grumble

RI: I went to Florida State, coach. I know what you meant.

BB: And that’s why you started the season on the bench! Listen Crab Legs, I’d ask if you know what quid pro quo means but – again – you went to Florida State. They gave Deion Sanders a degree! Besides, I don’t want to get my friend Donald in any more trouble.

TB: He’s my friend too, coach!

BB: (sighs) That’s all well and good, Tom. Now – where was I? Dammit; I lost my spot.

Josh McDaniels: Izzo cockblocked your MILF-hunting, Bill. 

BB: Yes. Thank you Josh. I knew there was a reason I kept you away from Irsay. Izzo?! Perhaps some time back on the bench might change your perspective.

RI: Aww man…

BB: Sanu?! You’re back in the lineup!

MS: Thanks Heavens!

JE: See – I told you to just sit & wait.

TB: Shut up, Julian!

John Simon: (ignoring the bickering offence) Coach, what are we supposed to learn from this incident? 

BB: That depends on what you see. When you see this unfold, John, what do you think is happening?

JS: Umm… I see a quarterback that shouldn’t have gone swimming in the deep end of the pool, and being reminded by the defence to stay in his lane. (enthusiastically high-fives other linemen)

TB: (pipes up) Nuh-uh. Quarterbacks aren’t supposed to be hit, Kyle. Right coach?

BB: Now Tom, Kyle’s technically correct.

BB: Quarterbacks are supposed to get hit. (Tom Brady violently shakes his head, muttering “nonononononononono…NO!”) We encourage our defensive players to do that all the time. It’s a necessary part of the game.

TB: (exasperated; arms flailing) Well, that must be a new rule, because I never heard of that before. The refs all say I’m special, so you’d think they would tell me if I wasn’t! Besides, if anyone tries to hit me I give them the old “HI-YA!” move Gisele’s new capeo-… coper-… karate instructor taught me. (Makes kicking motion)

(Brady looks around for support…

As usual, gets none.)

BB: Thanks Tom. I’m sure Alex approves of all that. (Brady’s smile turns to an angry frown.) Now John, what else can you take away from Myles Garrett losing his mind.

JS: Umm…

Dont’a Hightower: That a white boy might lose money, but a brother’s gonna do time?

Patrick Chung: Maybe don’t go nuclear when a cracker calls you a name?

Devin McCourty: Make sure you’ve got a twin brother to blame shit on?

Jason McCourty: Hey!

Robert Kraft: Repeatedly tug on the helmet until the player explodes?

BB: Mr. Kraft?! Welcome. I didn’t see you come in. (Regrets how many times he said “come” in that sentence.)

RK: No problem, Bill. Figured I’d surprise you by answering your team query. I just wanted to see how the preparations are going. Big game this weekend.

BB: Yessir. Dallas is coming to town… (more regret)

RK: I know. Had to make sure Centerfolds had enough girls on hand. You know how Jerry likes to have a broad selection – hey! double entendre! – even though you know he’s picking the Filipino girl. Besides, I tho–

JS: (yelling) Oh, I know – Never sign with Cleveland!

BB: Jesus Simon; I thought you’d had a stroke. Never interrupt Mr. Kraft. Say, you don’t smell toast, do you?

JS: No sir – I had soup for lunch.

BB: Sweet mother of… Thank you fellas. Those are all correct answers. And thanks for your input too, Mr. Kraft. But what I was looking for was, ‘Never let yourself get baited into a situation on the field’.

Jake Bailey: That’s funny. I hear Stidham baited to Brady’s wife on the road.

(Room erupts in laughter.)

TB: NOT FUNNY JAKE! Coach – what happened to the ‘Kickers don’t talk’ rule?

BB: Now Tom, you know most everything is fair game in the room. Besides, he’s the only one who’s survived the whole season thus far.

TB: But Coach – I didn’t think we were supposed to talk about that topic, since (whispers while pointing) it makes Mr. Kraft look bad.

RK: Don’t worry about me, Tommy. I’m a billionaire. Even if I’d been convicted, what was Florida going to do? Put a rich man in jail? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(All the black players start gritting their teeth)

RK: I could do my time living next door to OJ. Besides, I know a guy…

BB: Alright fellas. Let’s get back out to that field. Remember what we talked about. The Cowboys aren’t good enough to get under your skin. And Izzo – what’s your mom doing Saturday night?

Ryan Izzo: Coach!