You Are Watching the “Boston Neighborhood Network”…

VOICE OVER: BNN PUBLIC ACCESS TELEVISION ACTS AS A PUBLIC FAH-RUM FOR ALL BAWSTAN RESIDENTS, NAWN-PROFIT AND COMMUNITY-BASED ORH-GANIZATIONS, PRAH-VIDING THEM WITH AWFORDABLE TRAINING AND ACCESS TO EMEHGERIN’ MEDIA TECHNOLOGIES. GO SAUX!

[COMMERCIAL FLIES OPEN]

[A very blurry camera zooms in and out while the auto-focus tries desperately to keep up. The figure on the screen is beyond recognition]

???: DID YOU HIT FACKIN’ RECO-HD?! Oh wait, theahs the light…

[The figure comes into focus]

TAWMMY: HELLO BEAN TOWN! IT’S YOUR NATIVE SON, TAWMMY, COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE GREAHTEST PLACE IN THE WAHLD!

???: [Off camera] Inside yo-ah sistah?

TAWMMY: [Advancing] SULLY, YOU PIECEA SHI– [Hard cut]

[Shot resets]

TAWMMY: WITH THE RECENT TRAHGETIES AH-FECTING US HE-AH IN NEW ENGLAND AND THEREFO-AH EVERYWHEAH, I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW THAT TRAIT-AH, THE GOAT, TAWM BRADY, WHO I REALLY NEV-AH LIKED ANYWAY, INTO MAKING FILMS! NOTHING BETTAH TO DO NOW THAT THEY CANCELED THE ALL SPAWRTS JUST BECAWSE THE BRUINS WERE IN FAHST! BUT THIS ISN’T NO LAWST ANGEL-LEAST PICT-CHA! [Snickers to self] NO! SIXTY-NINE PRADUCTIONS IS ABOUT THE BLUE COLLAH WAHKING BAWSTAHN MAN! ALL OWAH FILMS AHH INSPIAHED FRAWM TRUE EHVENTS, NAWT LIKE THOSE DIRECTAHS FROM “THE AVENGAHS” WHO MADE CAPTAIN AMERICAH INTO A FACKING DAHHKIE!

???: [Off camera] FAKE NEWS!

TAWMMY: [Dips, stares into the camera for 5 seconds and then splits]

SOME OF OWAH WAHKING TITLES INCLUDE:

[Titles slowly scroll up from the bottom of the screen]

• I FINGAH BLASTED SALLY MCKENZEE BEFORE MORP
• THAT TIME WE SAVED MIKEY WITH NARCAN
• THAT TIME WE DIDN’T SAVE MIKEY WITH NARCAN
• “SHUT IT, PADDY, THE SAUX AHH ON!”
• HOUSE-O RAN OVAH THAT DAHHKIES FOOT IN FROHNT OF FLANNERY’S
• THAT NIGHT I CALLED ADAM JONES A [CENSORED] FROM THE MONSTAH
• PAULIE DRANK TOO MUCH HAHD CIDAH AND PASSED OUT IN THE GUTTAH
• SCAWLED THAT GIANTS FAN WITH HOT CHOWDA
• WHEN I SAW BILL SIMMONS AT THE AIR-PAWT AND CAWLED HIM A LEGEND AND A HOLLYWOOD QWEEAH
• I BROKE THE CURSE OF THE BAMBINO (GOT LAID)
• DUNKED LIKE LAHHY BAHD ON SOME HIGHSCHOOLAHS
• “I CAN’T FIND A RUBBAH”
• KICKED OUTTA TD GAHDENS FOR CROWD SAH-FING
• WE JUMPED AN A-RAHB IN SOUTHIE #BAWSTONSTRONG
• CAWGHT A WICKED TUNA WITH MY BARE HAHNDS
• I HEADBANGED TO HOOOOOOB-AH-STANK TOO HAHD AND PUKED BEE-AH ON JENNY’S JEW BOYFRIEND
• AND MANY MOAH…

SO STAY TUNED FOH MOAH, AND REMEMBAH TO STAY SAFE AND DRINK LOTS OF SAMMY ADAMS! IT WON’T GETCHA SICK LIKE THAT MEXICAN PISSAH BEE-AH!

[Hard cut]

VOICE OVER: WE NOW RETUHN TO BNN’S LONGEST RHUNNING PROGRAM, DAYS OF OWAH LIVES.

JOEY: [Sobbing] I’M TELLING YA, MAHK, IT’S OVAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE WOULD DO THIS TO ME!

MARK: WHAT HAPPENED?! DID SHE CHEAT ON YOU, BRO?!

JOEY: [Fighting back tears] LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE!

MARK: IT WASN’T WITH A DAHHKIE, WAS IT, BRO?!

JOEY: WAHSE! I FOWND HER… HER… [Breaking down] WEAHING A FACKING YANKEES HAT!

[Channel changes]