Our 2019 Tampa Bay preview focused on the team’s nickname and the crab-filching faltching felching stealing quarterback. Well, seasons change, people change, but Tampa Bay’s quarterback remains shady. Just in case you missed the news (and the accompanying screeching and wailing from the Greater Boston area), Tom Brady decided to head south for the winter and play his 33rd (ed. – check this or whatever) season in the MRSAmeth capital of Dixie. The 2019 Buccaneers finished 7-9 and played an exciting and unpredictable brand of football. It’s possible that Jameis Winston was a great quarterback and just threw interceptions to keep the crowd interested. But my friend Occam said that it’s more likely he kinda sucks. So in order to get them (warning: sports cliche ahead) to the next level, the Bucs signed a legendary quarterback who’s just entering his prime.

Of course, signing a new quarterback does not guarantee a Super Bowl title. (You also need to cheat.) We need to examine the rest of Tampa’s offense, but let’s make it quick because this is boring and I’m already regretting accepting this assignment. They have a running back from USC that, to everyone’s surprise, has not murdered anyone yet. Ronald Jones II (really? The first was so fucking famous we need this stupid suffix?) will be the lead back with some other guys named Jimmie sprinkled in. Everything’s better with jimmies sprinkled in. I had this cupcake the other day that was moister than Ralph Malph. Wait…that actor’s last name was Most, not Moist. Dammit. This isn’t working. Let’s bail on the running game (just like the Bucs in the 2nd quarter of every game in the last 10 years) and talk about the offensive line. Some big dudes, those linemen. They need you more than want you, and they want you for all time. To illustrate the protection scheme, here’s another picture of Brady.

Tampa Bay has good receivers, including Lee Evans, Chris Godwin, and GRONK GRONK GRONK. That’s right, Tom Brady convinced has friend and walking herpetic sore Rob Gronkowski to bail on his Road Rulez Retirement and injure himself and underachieve for the Bucs. With such a gifted (physically) bunch, Tampa will no doubt run a lot of multi-receiver sets and shotgun. The combination of personnel and play design should really fit the bill. You could say it would really fit the Brady bill.

They also have a defense and special teams.

2020 PREDICTION: Tampa Bay will start the season 3-2 and then COVID-19 will hit the locker room and spread throughout the team and eventually the whole league and the NFL season will be cancelled. All this is for naught. Your life is meaningless. Eat peanut butter off a hooker’s back tattoo because nothing matters.

Also, I ran out of famous Bradys.