Yes, the long winter of our discontent draws nigh. Wild Card, Bitches! weekend is past, and tonight ends the JV season. Remember, down the street, not across the tracks…

Alabama vs. Clemson (8:30, ESPN)

There are ample reasons to hate both teams. Nick Saban, obviously, drinks puppy blood and worships the Beast. Roll Damn Tide fans are the living embodiment of every Southern caricature known to mankind. The proud ignorance. The bad teeth. The rolls of fat packed into grossly inappropriate clothing. The barely (if at all) concealed racism. ALL THERE. Clemson, on the other hand, is a little different. Despite its “cow pasture in the ass crack middle of nowhere, South Cakalaky” setting, its travelling fanbase is generally known to be fairly polite and normal looking. But DEAR FUCKING GOD, Dabo Swinney. He can only talk in cliches, or in evangelical pablum. And the fucking media EAT IT UP. I remind myself this isn’t really the fault of Clemson folk as a whole (most of which fully admit that Dabo is a moron who simply sells the recruits, and more importantly, the mamas and grandmamas of same), but as a secular-minded, urban Southerner…his schtick really gets under my skin like a bad case of shingles. And FUCK HIM, he’s in the same conference and even division of my shitty footy side. The thought of him hoisting the trophy and yammering about Jeebus ad infinitum…ugh, let’s just say I am a true undecided voter in this one, like if it were somehow a Donald Trump/Ted Cruz GENERAL election.

On the field, I see the crucial matchup as Bama’s front four against Clemson’s somewhat wobbly OL. Let’s just say NC State was able to get some pressure on the Tiggers. BUT, and this is a crucial BUT…Deshaun Watson can make big plays with his legs and his arm if you flush him from the pocket. The Tide’s ability to keep contain within their pressure scheme will be the key to the game, along with their corners holding up.

For you’ns and I all know…they’uns ain’t keepin’ up in a pinball contest.

Here’s your pre-game pep rally song: