Instant Hippo Thoughts – NFC Wild Card Edition

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

The games were better, the results were not.

In Ice Bowl 2: Electric (Bench) Boogaloo, the SeaTruthers did absolutely fuckall for 50+ minutes of game action. Minnesota built a 9-0 lead on three very strong kicks in ridiculous conditions, and the “insurmountable lead” jokes were plenty and deserved. But lo, our own LitreCola noted that it would be just like the NFL for the game to end 10-9, and indeed, Charmslinger immediately led his charges down the field for 7, aided by a ridiculous play where he turned a snap over his head into a 40-yard gain. Twas that kind of weekend. Then another DFO prophecy – that Purple Jesus would save his fumble for the most backbreaking of circumstances – also as fulfilled, setting up NC State alumnus Steven Hauschka from long range, who like his placekick-y counterpart, conquered the elements and gave his team the lead.

Purple Jesus benched, punts traded, then FINALLY Teddy Ballgame made a few plays through the air when he had to. As a result, Facts of Life alum Blair Walsh had by far his easiest attempt of the day, a mere 27-yarder, for the win. And the hold sucked (laces out), he hooked it wide by a mile, and the SeaTruthers got a win and a trip to CLT they in no way, shape, or form deserve.

So…for home teams, and (relatively speaking) good guys, it was up to the Redacteds. And they started out like a house of fire, with Most Glorious Safety, followed by what should have been (and was originally ruled) a touchdown. BUT NOOOOO, DeSean Jackson, in what is becoming a personal trend, neglected to carry the ball across the plane (when he easily could have), leaving it first and goal from the 0.5. This ultimately DID cost the team 4 points, sadly enough. But the Redacteds kept piling on, adding another 6 (but not 7, as they fucked up the extra point). 11-0 is pretty damned good, but 16-0 would have been better.

But it probably still wouldn’t have been enough. Rodgers woke up, and the Redacteds defense fell apart, aided by the officiating crew’s decision to suspend the rules against offensive holding (NOTE to the league office – this would be nice to do for the similarly shitty Donks’ OL, too!), running off 17 straight to end the half. Cousins struck back to re-take a brief 18-17 lead, but that was indeed Custer’s last stand ,, no ofence. By the time the last flies hovered over the last pile of shit on the “turf” it was 35-18. Back to the PHX slaughterhouse for the Packers it is. I’m sure that will make for great teevee.

SIGH. And we waited so anxiously for that all week, huh?

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess I’m an outlier; I liked and enjoyed the games for the most part, with notable exceptions during parts of them. I enjoy the playoffs; one game, make the best of what you have left situations, overcome mistakes and poor fortune. If it is truly as terrible as many say; why watch? I can say I enjoyed it more in the 80s and 90s, but there is a truck load of things I enjoyed more during that time period. Anyway; cheers.

Shogun Marcus

I will always understand packers hate, deep down truly. I share most of it (except the excessive “he’s gay harf harf.” You wish he was yours, it’s ok.). But I do live here, so for at least one week, we could be heroes. Just for one day.

blaxabbath

::Aaron Rodgers Gay Joke::

Shogun Marcus

Thanks for understanding. I’ve said before, I’m much like Randy quaid in major league. I know how this ends. Like a BBC drama that has a dog, I know I’m dead. But for a moment, it was ok.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

“BBC? Oh… you mean that one.”

– Aaron Rodgers

Shogun Marcus

Well played. But still go fuck yourselves. ?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

“go fuck yourselves”

Just like Olivia Munn has to

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Randy Qu-aids, the porn star right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have no problem with the Packers as a team. Most of the fans I have met are OK, I’ve met way worse Bronco fans. The notable exception is the front runner, out of the closet fans, but they come with success. I don’t understand the Rodgers hate either, unless you are a fan of someone else in that division, in which case he’s been kicking your team’s fucking ass for years. He’s a great QB in a league that needs better QBing. That being said this year I’d root for the Painters or angry birds in the NFC just to mix some things up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My Order of Hate of Those Who Remain:
1. P*ts
2. Pitt
3. Seachcickens (they have moved up the list in the last couple of years)
3. KC (obligatory inter-division hate)

Drops off remarkably after that

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I just realized that my favorite part of this offseason will be seeing the two Texas teams fight over Browns castoff Johnny Fucking Football and then the loser having to settle for RGIII.

blaxabbath

“How could the Browns have gotten rid of THIS GUY?!”

-2016 Texans Coach, John Gruden

Beerguyrob

Two Texas teams?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, Raiders moving to San Antonio is just speculation, and he’s already treating it as a done deal.

Beerguyrob

They’re already starting next season ahead of the 0-1 Panthers.

blaxabbath

K77per77777, RG3, and JFF all hit the FA market in the same offseason.

Something tells me the Browns sign all three of them.

Shogun Marcus

A caliph, rabbi, and a bishop walk into a bar,
One says to the other “brother we haven’t gotten very far.”

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Any [*Redacteds] fans in here?

comment image&op=noop

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Here’s more trivia, last players to score a touchdown in a Bengals win:

One does commercials, one does a morning show in NYC, one’s on trial for sexual assault, one’s the current Bengals’ director of player relations, and Eric Kattus was interviewed and said this:

“I have three sons, younger boys, and they’re really bothering me to play football—and I would prefer they don’t play. Until they can really control the concussions and any kind of brain damage that happens, I don’t want them to play. It’s a very physical game that just takes a tremendous toll on your body.”

entropy

I’m watching Bill O’Brien’s “defense” of sticking with Hoyer during Saturday’s game, and he is basically saying “I felt like it was the right call” over and over….. which appears to prove he has difficulty making changes in any aspect of his life.

blaxabbath

After finishing 11/22/63, I appreciate any coach who may have chosen to leave in a guy wearing a Matt Leinart jersey rather than ripping apart space-time as the seams.

jjfozz

I enjoyed that book, right up until the shitty ending.

You can write this sentence about any Stephen King book – except maybe The Shining.

blaxabbath

I conquer. I liked The Stand ending more than the Shining ending though. But, yeah, the fact that he thanked his son in the afterwards for helping him come up with the better conclusion to 11/22/63 makes me think he needs to disown his spawn.

http://i.imgur.com/g1qFn.jpg

Beerguyrob

Don’t you mean, “The Shinning”?

comment image

blaxabbath

After finishing 11/22/63, I appreciate any coach who may have chosen to leave in a guy wearing a Matt Leinart jersey rather than ripping apart space-time at the seams.

blaxabbath

EDIT BUTTON!!!!!!

entropy

I just thought you went back in time.

Beerguyrob

What colour was the card on your second post?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Self NFL Memes’d

Beerguyrob

Just remember – the dream of Alex Smith versus the Seahawks is still alive for Super Bowl. The “Fuck the 49ers at 50 Bowl”, as my brother called it.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Buddy’s macabre trivia for the day:

The last two players to score a touchdown in a [*Redacteds] playoff win: one is retired, one is dead.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
ThursdaySkyGoddess

I had to look it up for myself. Wow.

I noticed that Mike Carey was the referee for that game, did he not want to officiate any [*Redacteds] games or just their home games?

blaxabbath

That’s unfortunate.

Enrico Pallazzo

So refreshing to see all of those shitty Packers that ruined your fantasy teams this year come alive at its most meaningless time!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

James Jones actually saved my bacon twice this year. ALL HAIL THE UNNECESSARY HOODIE

laserguru

Goddammit it wasn’t a nightmare.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Has everyone seen Posnanski’s article on officiating in Bungles-Steelers? Definitely worth a read: sportsworld.nbcsports.com/bengals-steelers-referees-vontaze-burfict-antonio-brown-joey-porter/

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Its never going to happen, but the NFL rules need to be redone from top to bottom. I get annoyed when people blame the refs but like the article stated, the game is impossible to officiate.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Perfect way to describe that game.

Horatio Cornblower

Posnanski is a really good writer, but not good enough to forgive his ongoing hagiography of Joe Paterno.

entropy

“The game is impossible to officiate?”

He says this right afer pointing out how two pretty much identical plays were handled differently, basically saying that the officials straight fucked up. How is that “impossible to officiate?” The rules are clear, and they were ignored in one instance, enforced in another. That’s not “impossible,” it’s ignorant, possibly biased, or just plain incompetent. Impossible, though? Not so fucking much.

He states early on that the game is impossible to officiate, and yet does nothing to support this assertion other than point out that calls simply weren’t made, not that they were missed during hectic moments of mass confusion and difficulty. Instead, he implies the officiating was terrible, poorly run, and hand a clear hand in the outcome of the game…. then says he’s not complaining about the officiating. That;s PK-level equivocation right there.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s the same thing with Mike Carey’s “that’s an unfortunate call” BS which Posnanski quite rightly points to. It’s not that the game’s too hard to officiate, it’s that it’s impossible to officiate by part-time referees who are too old to keep up with the players. The current group, (some through no fault of their own, some [looking at you Triplette] probably because they never were), cannot competently control and call the game but no one will say this loud enough or long enough for the NFL to do something about it.

Even this game won’t do it. It’ll become the stuff of legend and this ref crew won’t see the light of day until next year, but unless this shit wrecks a Super Bowl of conference championship nothing will get done.

entropy

Carey is just toeing the company line with his “unfortunate” shit, because he knows damn well if he starts spouting off about hwo clearly illegal and dangerous the hit was, he’s out of a job and the new face of the concussion issue whether he wants to be or not. I can almost understand that, although I’d imagine his soul is a shriveled, withered husk by now, the spiritual equivalent of a dead body that mummified in the Nevada desert heat.

This guy basically wants to eat his cake and have it, too, pointing out how inadequate the refs are while not blaming the refs. He’s quite right in implying the officiating needs an overhaul, but he seems afraid to state that, despite such observations being his fuckin job and all. This is why sportswriting, and NFL sportswriting in particular, is so aggravating: everyone is afraid of losing access to the players so they just nibble around the edges of important stories, and then get to claim later they were in some way on the right side of history with the innuendo and sly intimations of a truth everyone agress upon, yet won’t openly discuss.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We had this conversation before but let’s do it again;

I started typing a response, but fuck it. Not worth the effort.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I’ve written this comment in a lot more words before on this site, but the NFL could give less of a shit if the rules are screwed up. More penalties + more reviews = more commercials and more points.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Couldn’t give*

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

What’s more the NFL has pretty much unabashedly added rules in the past 5-10 years to have refs directly influencing the outcome of games.

entropy

The NFL has become the NBA of footba—- wait, that didn’t work out the way I thought it would.

jjfozz

Billy Cundiff bought Blair Walsh a new Corvette this morning.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Gary Anderson drew him a map to his secret hiding place.

monty this seems strange to me

Scott Norwood turned down the red Corvette because he prefers to ride white.

SonOfSpam

Rob Bironas drove the Corvette into a tree and died.

Oh wait…you guys are all just pretending.

Beerguyrob

Mark Moseley wants all those pussies to get off his lawn.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Trey Junkin told Jared Lorenzen this joke but he didn’t get it.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Nate Kaeding could really use a few dollars to feed himself this week.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I felt bad for the [*Redacteds] yesterday, but today I enjoy their pain.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LlYwMTOUxPQ/VZ8Wvfs_TWI/AAAAAAACknQ/JerTjRne7SU/s640/shitrg3.gif

packman_jon
Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

So, if Bills hire Buddy as well, can all three Ryans use their magic rings to summon Captain Underachievement: The Ultimate Second Place NFL Coach?

entropy

This makes me so happy, although I do wish it had happened for at least one Jets season.

monty this seems strange to me

We can’t see the expression on back-of-the-head-guy, but I would assume he realizes that death is a better fate than whatever those Ryan Bros have in store for him.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

They’ve finally agreed on whether to go 3-4 or 4-3 dudes-chicks for the van orgy.

Beerguyrob

Never has “This is great” been a more apropos button to click.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I am vastly conflicted. On the one hand, I stand by my statement in my Saints Preview- his numbers suggest he skates along on personality and name value more than performance. Also, with their former D-Coordinator Heavy Pettine now on the street, I would have liked to see him get another shot. In the other hand, RYAN BROTHERS WRECKING COMPANY COMING TO ORCHARD PARK, CROTCHSNIFFERS! LOCK UP YOUR FEET AND FARM ANIMALS, IT’S GONNA GET NUTTY!

Beerguyrob

I think you know which one you have to go with.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

You just know the Ryan Brothers will make at least one table-smashing tailgating appearance ala the Dudley Boyz.

rockingdog
rockingdog

together!

blaxabbath

I hate the playoffs. All year it’s like, “Yeah Team! Go Win!” and now it’s like, “Don’t fucking lose or this whole year was for naught!”

jjfozz

Agreed – it’s to the point where you want to get past the regular season to the playoffs. And then it’s a crapshoot.

Luckily, the Ravens have eliminated me caring about the regular or post season. Or preseason.

blaxabbath

Mobtown

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As many of you know, I am a Raiders fan. So my first hope was to see the Chiefs extend their playoff win drought. Next, out of pity, I was hoping to see the Bengals end theirs. Third, I badly wanted to see the Seahawks get sent home. Lastly, I hate the goddamned Packers and wanted to see them lose.

It was not a good weekend.

blaxabbath

If only there were some sort of “car burning” (or the like) activity to which your Raider Nation (#onenation) heritage may have passed down as a preferred outlet for your angst…

monty this seems strange to me

I really kind of wonder why I watch football anymore. Seriously.

Don T

The only Wild Card team with a chance to win this week seems to be the C-Hox. Unless Joey Porter is allowed on the field and gets The Ben some Lourdes water.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Somehow the Seahawks win is responsible for killing David Bowie.

entropy

THOSE BASTARDS

theeWeeBabySeamus
monty this seems strange to me

Bowie’s death was an inside job.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Bowie dies at 69, classic Bowie.

jjfozz

Bowie’s fashion sense could melt steel beams.

Seriously, he was a talented guy – never really got into his music.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Didn’t see yours; I posted another large one of these. So good.

Doktor Zymm

And now we’re back to your regularly scheduled programming of a playoffs that I have no stake in. I remember the second half of that game as one long cringe. Oh well, I was expecting it. GO CARDINALS!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Playoffs without steak are the worst kind of playoffs.