Instant Hippo Thoughts – 16 January Divisional Games

Saturday’s theme? Coaching dumbfuckery. Don’t worry, there was more than enough to go around.

Andy Reid did every Andy Reid thing in the Andy Reid book (well, I dunno if he ate an entire ham, but I am not willing to rule it out, either), especially on the clock management front. Seriously, it was as if Kansas City had never played football before, and was entirely unfamiliar with how the rules worked.

New England was fairly pedestrian throughout, which kept the Chefs in it. After a pathetically slow TD drive cut it to 27-20 and forced KC to attempt an onside kick (and fail miserably), Belicheat decided to get too cute by half (as he is wont to do) and called for a horribly executed slant pass that should have been intercepted, and possibly returned to make things entertaining. But when you have Satan on your side, the ball bounces to Edelman for a clinching first down instead.

Boring game, predictable result. Blech.

Game two? More of a Hunter S. Thompson gonzo feel.

Let’s just say, charitably speaking, that Carson Palmer’s sphincter got a wee bit tight. Less charitably, you could say he fucking choked. AGAIN. With that running game and defense, Arizona needed him to just not suck, and he was not up to the task.

But that wasn’t the weirdest part. NO, Bruce Arians consistently put more and more of the burden on his shoulders. The more Palmer fucked up, the less the Cards ran the ball. Sheer lunacy. Finally, even a team as inept as the Packers were bound to take the lead, and they did in the 3rd quarter, 13-7.

Ensuing Arizona drives ended FG, INT. Then another easy INT was dropped before FINALLY re-taking the lead. On a deflected pass that should have been intercepted but luckily went straight to a Cardinal in the back of the end zone. Yes, twice on the SAME FUCKING DRIVE.

Green Bay, thanks to Mike McCarthy doing his usual dipshittery, only had one timeout, so they had to go for it on their own 24, and failed. Arians – usually a conservative coach – now had the easiest call in the world to make. Run three times, and kick a FG. Green Bay gets the ball back with 1:05-1:10 left, maximum. Against your monster defense that’s bailed you out all night. ESPECIALLY when your QB is playing like a poor man’s Matt Cassel.

NOPE. 2nd down, Arians calls for a low percentage fade pass to the sideline. Incomplete by a mile. Gee, would that 40 seconds come back to haunt them?

FG is good, and the kickoff return is stuffed around the 15. Rodgers is sacked back at the 4, and it looks like maybe it’s a “sound and fury” kind of thing. I will still bitch about it here, but more as a cautionary tale. Then, on 3rd and forevs…Rodgers completes a 60-yard bomb to Janis. Being the 2015 Packers, they can’t do a simple spike play, but rather dick around and try to do a real one and aren’t set. Refs don’t blow it dead and do a 10-second runoff for some reason, but still, it’s now 1st and 15 from the 42 with 12 seconds to play.

Incomplete pass, now Hail Mary time. Arians calls timeout and decides to be fucking stupid again, and piss off the gambling community.

Now, I get not wanting to rush 2 or 3. Why let Rodgers have all day to set up his Hail Mary? But Arians brings the fucking house, and as a result, Janis has single coverage in the end zone. The only question is whether Rodgers can see it, and have the arm strength to get the ball there under duress. But it turns out he’s pretty good, and he does. Peterson punches the ball out, but there is a bit of a delay first and the catch holds up on delay. OT, and the backdoor push is gone for good (no extra point will be kicked in OT).

Because this is the eternal fuckup game, the refs can’t flip the goddamned coin right. So they have to DO THE MOTHERFUCKER OVER. And AZ wins THAT one, takes the ball, and immediately gets a 76-yard busted play to Fitty (who was left uncovered). And because Arians is determined to have me stroke out, he still won’t run with David Johnson on 1st and goal from the 4, tossing incomplete to a well-covered Fitty. Thankfully the second play is a shovel pass to Fitty, which works and the shitty fucking Packers are out of the playoffs.

Maybe the REAL fucking Cardinals will show up next week and not the assdick version we saw tonight. Otherwise, they damned sure better be playing the Panthers, and not the SeaTruthers.

I go sleepy time now.