A Grand Tour! 25 Questions! (And Open Thread!)

Good day. We are here to tell you a story about an incredibly well traveled gift. The illustrious BallsofSteelandFury and I were exchanging futbol jerseys as he has a pipeline on SexiMexi stuff and I could get him a Cavalry FC jersey from here. This is a tale of a lonely Club Puebla jersey that went on a grand tour.  Our adventure begins on August 24, 2020…

1. Litre Cola (LC), about a week after the package was shipped: Sooo Balls, ummm where is the parcel? I work for the local postal heroes and it never left LA
2. Balls Of Steel (BOS): Really? That’s weird. Do ya think it went through Glendale and ended up in a driveway (link)?
   /Checks USPS site
   It says it’s in transit?
3. LC: I looked into it, my system says it never left LAX. There is a Sizzler near the airport where my buddy and I changed a lady’s tire in the parking lot.  She gave us a free dinner and in closing she told us to put steak in our pockets when we left. I digress, are you pulling a BC Dick here, mailed it all weird? I will monitor for a few days.
4. BOS: Wait, was that the Sizzler in LA or in Calgary? Do they have Sizzler in Canada? Is it spelled Sizzleur?
5. LC:. No sizzleur in Canada, we used to have Bonanza which is the same as Sizzler but with a bit less cacher. I find that buffets are good for breakfast and Vegas, that’s it. Yeah that stripper deep throated that chicken tendy and I ate it, what of it? Anywhoo, I would take out your insurance claim for the parcel because someone stole those fleshlights and Puebla Jersey. Did you fuck with the addressing at all?
6. BOS: Speaking of strippers,  didya ever go to Bare Elegance next to the airport? Great lunch buffet! Do you think the fact I addressed it to Decilitre might be a problem?
7. LC: No, BC Dick used to address weed (when illegal) to Oxipug and it got here. Only American strippers I have been to are in Vegas and in Houston. I will say, Houston strippers must have a great employee of the month club because they go for it! Back in the day when I moved to Alberta you were allowed to throw Loonies and Twonies at strippers for posters etc. This was completely foreign to me as a 20 year old from Manitoba. I drew the line at throwing coins at a woman, it was strange. Some people have a problem with eating at the rippers , I think it is ok as long as you aren’t in pervert’s row. That’s weird to me. Thoughts?
8. BOS: Would it surprise you to hear that,  at a previous job,  my workmates and I developed a map showing the best strip club lunches in LA? Why do you Canadiens always have better terms for stuff than we do? Rippers is brilliant as is darts.  I once ate a roast beef sandwich in pervert’s row while a pregnant stripper tried unsuccessfully to climb the pole.  I gave her $5 and told her that if she wanted to kill the baby at least go to an abortion clinic. The sandwich was delicious,  tho.
   Which clubs in Vegas? Would it also surprise you to learn that I once saw a dead body in the parking lot of the Crazy Horse Too?
9. LC: So I was there for a friend’s stag and met a Mexican guy from Dallas poolside while we we all partying. He had neck tattoos and looked nefarious but he was there for a wedding with an old school friend and his story checked out. Anywhoo, he had weed and we got high in my Don Johnson room (Planet Hollywood) then he said he had a limo to this peeler bar . My 2 buddies were skeptical but I trusted the guy. I was right, he paid for lappers all night and the booze tab. Turns out he owned land in West Texas that had a bunch of oil deposits, now he just hangs out and reaps on his investments. The only dead body I have seen was in Laos, the man said they had called the authorities and they would be picked up. Anyway, I will send you an official email from our end that it didn’t enter the country. Do you need that?
10. BOS: Why can’t we come up with great words like peeler bars and lappers? Does Canada accept Mexican immigrants via the US? I’m not West Texas oil rich,  but I don’t have neck tattoos so…. lemme check with the USPS first and I’ll let you know.
    / checks with USPS
    Guess what?

11. LC: Do you still have your Mexi papers? I legit think those will help you more nowadays. Ok, I will bite, what?

12. BOS: Does it count if I can claim EU heritage? I renounced Mexican citizenship when I became a US citizen, so that door is closed but my great grandma was born in Bilbao. Does that do anything? I hear the Scots and the Basques are great friends!
    So,  the package apparently took a left turn at Albuquerque. Are you familiar with Kingsford Smith?

13. LC: Yes, Charles Kingsford Smith took the 1st trans pacific flight. He once made the fastest flight from Sydney to London, it took 10.5 days. Imagine stopping your plane that often on that route in the 20’s?

14. BOS: Can you imagine taking the reverse Kingsford Smith route and ending up in Sydney? Cuz that happened to our package in these 20s and it’s been over 10.5 days! But wait,  it gets better! Do you think it’s still in Sydney?

15. LC: I wish I was in Sydney. How the fuck did it get there? Where is it now, Auckland watching a rugby match? Living it’s best life?

16. BOS: Can you believe that,  according to the postman,  who was VERY impressed that you work for his counterparts up north,  btw, (yes,  I name-dropped) the package is living an absolutely DREAM life and is now currently on its way back ACROSS the Pacific to Canada? Vancouver,  I assume,  because I assume most tourists from Australia head directly to Vancouver for their gap year adventure. Did you do a gap year?

17. LC: Shit, LA, Sydney, Vancouver, that is a hell of a trip. I did not do a gap year as I moved to a resort town in the Rockies and was supposed to be there 4 months, I ended up there 7 years. Finished my degree though, which is useless now, except that I still speak French almost every day. My gap year turned into 3 when I left Canada, only came back because of a woman. Stupid Litre. Sooo, I just looked it up, that tracking number is not in Canada yet. Maybe it is on its way to South America, I have never been. Always wanted to go. I hope you have gone and gone to a futbol match…..

18. BOS: Have I been to South America? (Link to Brasil, land of the asses post) Fuck yeah! It was during Thanksgiving which is summer down there,  so no fútbol or futebol as they call it in Brasil (no Z, that’s an American thing) but I did take a tour of the Maracaná before the renovation,  so I went into the tunnel that took the players to the field and used to go underneath the moat. That was fucking cool as fuck.
    One of my few regrets in life is not doing a gap year although I did spend a couple of months in Europe right after Uni and fell in love with a girl that RTD probably banged later on his Worldwide Banging Tour.
    Isn’t it funny how it’s the things you DON’T do that you regret as opposed to the things you DO do?

19. LC: I have 3 shopping regrets in my life. A CCCP flask in Plovdiv, Bulgaria, a hand made chess set in Hungary, and a certain bottle of wine in Tasmania. I think about those 3 things all the time. I met a dude from Oregon on my tour of Morocco. He looked at me and asked “Would I ever be there again?” No. “Did I have a job at home?” Yes, then shut up and let’s go, you will pay the tour off later. Wise words. I have big FOMO when travelling, so much so I struggle to sleep due to excitement. What do you think of a futbol, food, wine tour in Argie? I think that would be unreal.

20. BOS: Does FOMO stand for Farts Of Massive Odour? Did you enjoy the extra u there? Fuuuuuuuck, I feel your pain on that flask! I too have regrets about non-purchases in exotic locations.  My biggest non-purchase regret is a hammock from Rio.
    As far as the Argie food, fútbol, and wine tour,  fuck and yes! By any chance do you look Aryan as that will go over well there?

21. LC: No, look like a white guy. I do like a mean BBQ. I would like to go to a Boca game in my life. I have been to a few derbies in my life but I am not sure if I would set foot in Boca v River. This package has traveled more than all of DFO combined (incl Zymm) in the last 6 months. If you had 24 hours in Sydney what would you do?

22. BOS: Can I have 72? There’s no way you can enjoy a trip to Sydney and be restricted to 24 hours. Can I also go to Melbourne? And the Gold Coast? And take one of those flights to nowhere that take you sightseeing in Antarctica? Have you heard about these?
    https://www.businessinsider.com/qantas-antarctica-flights-sightseeing-coronavirus-2020-8

Business Insider

Australia’s Qantas is reviving its 12-hour sightseeing flights over Antarctica, which land right back where they started

Passengers will spend about four hours flying over Antarctica during the south pole’s summer daylight months, enjoying a rare view of the icy expanse. (62 kB)

https://i.insider.com/5f31a2451918242c0316642a?width=1200&format=jpeg

23. LC: I always wanted to go to Antarctica, I figured the best way was to go down Patagonia Way and jump on a ship. 72 hours in Australia sounds alright, shit I would sleep very little. There’s a bar in Sydney that is open 23 hours a day, they close for an hour and take out a hose to wash the place. They make the folks in there stand on the patio while they do it. I am amazed the package is still travelling. Wonder the stories it would tell. What’s your best one?

24. BOS: My best package story? I think it got an Australian Sheila package pregnant and is now running off to Canada because it realizes the package he thought was Angela White is actually not even close. Do you think the package will ever make it to your house? 

25. LC: Hopefully we find out by the time we post this. I’m glad it was a fake sexiMexi futbol jersey and not a real one. Although I still want MexiSnaxx to review!

Well dear reader, on January 12^th 2021, the item arrived. It is done with its world tour. I am now a happy Commentist with a Puebla Jersey without the Facebook logo on it.

PS:  The MexiSnaxx were shipped months after and arrived months before the Puebla jersey.  But that’s another post…

As Always;