Commentist Beer Barrel: Substitute Teachers Are The Worst

Got a call from my dear friend Make It Snow (real first name: Rudiger) asking me to fill in on the Beer Barrel post while he recovers from testicular enhancement surgery, so of course I agreed. Anything for one of my brothers-in-feeling-ashamed-of-our-genitalia, as we say here in America. But SonOfSpam, you ask, are you actually qualified to discuss beer at the level to which we Commentists are accustomed? Shut up, nervy bastards. I understand the key terminology (“wet” “cold” “tickle bubbles”) and have made extensive notes on recent purchases (“Milwaukee’s Best is hopefully not that”). More than anything else, I love beer like Donald Trump loves Donald Trump.

Today’s selection of beers comes from an exotic nearby purveyor of fine spirits. This store is owned by Joe and he is a Trader of sorts, but Joe refused to pay for my endorsement, so we’ll just call the store “Trader J’s” to ensure they receive no free publicity. I’ll be reviewing three beers appropriate for springtime drinking, because it’s almost spring and I’m getting tired of this wintry Southern California weather. There was actually a day last month where I wore sweatpants instead of shorts, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to deploy underwear this year. But enough negativity; soon we’ll have months and months of freeballin’!

Beer #1 is Anchor Saison, which is a beer type meaning “season” in French. Farmers in Belgium would brew this beer during the winter, saving it for their seasonal workers to drink during the summer months, and the modern version is generally fruity and/or spicy. Anchor is a brewer based in San Francisco best known for their Steam beer, which I always enjoyed more than most people I know. Anyway, the beer poured less hazy than I would have expected, and had a fairly strong lemon smell. It drank easy, with a lingering clove taste (I smoke half a pack of Djarums during the last hour, but I don’t think that affected anything). Nothing really wrong with the beer, but one was plenty for me. Maybe it’s a little too sweet, like when you cover a Jolly Rancher in brown sugar then dip it in cough syrup.

Beer #2 is Jardinier from The Bruery in Placentia, California. The Bruery is probably best known for their “Black Tuesday” Imperial Stout, but at about 20% ABV it’s more of a wife-beatin’ prep drink than a refreshing beer. So instead we have Jardinier (French for “gardener” which is funny because there are no French gardeners in California), a Belgian-style ale. It poured a bright golden color and smelled of elderberries. Wait, that’s from a Monty Python movie. Actually, the smell was light, almost non-existent. Taste was surprisingly bitter, but not in a bad way. Like Lewis Black. My favorite thing about this beer is that it comes in a 750 ml bottle, so you can have “a beer” and catch “a buzz.”

Beer #3 is from my current (I can change my mind if bribed) favorite brewer, Ballast Point. I won’t wax rhapsodic about their Sculpin IPA, because I currently have none of those. Instead, I had a Mango Even Keel, which at 3.8% ABV is weaker than a Bud Light. It’s a Session IPA, which is fine as long as your session lasts 6-8 hours. The beer pours a nice orange color and smells like, well, mango. Mango is a weird fruit in that I’ve generally only had it as a flavoring for an alcoholic beverage. I guess you can also buy a mango and eat it, but why do that when you can blend it into a margarita instead? Anyway, this beer tastes just fine, but it’s nowhere near among Ballast Point’s best offerings. (Note to Ballast Point: Send all your best offerings please.)

This beer reviewing thing has been great fun, and I’ll be happy to pinch-hit again for Make It Snow should his indictment go to a jury trial. Cheers!