…Well Let’s Play Chess: Thursday Open Thread

This week’s title comes from the classic Blazing Saddles answer to the question paraphrased as “So what should we do now?”

Yes, we are staring at a long, cold offseason of no NFL action until (checks league calendar) March 1?

Yes, the league’s annual Underwear Parade begins in TWO WEEKS! And this year it’s back in person, despite no discernable value lost by last year’s lack of in-person interviews and drills. If you listen closely, you can hear the creaking of old white sportswriters getting erections over spandex-clad youngsters showing who has “tight hips” and “elite length”.

Ew.

Still! Better than the Olympics. More on that below.

I know nothing about College Football except that it is a festering putrid pit of hypocrisy, exploitation and stupidity that makes professional sports (up to and including that Russian Roulette league in the Deer Hunter) look downright respectable. So here is my List to Watch, based solely on fun names:

Dustin Crum, QB Kent State Qualified Immunities

Bailey Zappe, QB Western Kentucky Red Furry Blobs

Pierre Strong, RB South Dakota State (just a great football name)

Ty Fryfogle, WR Indiana

Charleston Rambo, WR Miami

Ickey Ekwonu, OT NC State Wolvensort

Thayer Munford Jr., OL tOSU (mostly because it means he and his dad were Munford and Son)

Luke Tenuta, OL Virginia Tech (he and Jimmy G can form an Early 90s Comedienne tag team!)

Zach Thomas and Zach Tom, OL, SDSU and Wake Forest. I just like the idea that one is the more formal version of the other.

Quay Walker, LB Georgia (but only if he pronounces it “kee” like a pier)

Sauce Gardner, CB Cincinnati Binturongs

Smoke Monday, DB Auburn

Chris Steele, DB USC Condoms (another Football Name)

Gabe Brkic, K, Oklahoma. I assume it’s pronounce “burr-KICK”

NOT FOOTBALL:

The Olympics are still going, and fuck them for it. We’ve got a young girl from a country banned for systematic doping who got caught…uh…doping. But because she’s young and talented and white and we’re afraid her country is going to invade its neighbor tomorrow, we’re gonna let her compete. But maybe we won’t, because nobody gets any medals if she places. But maybe we will, because…uh…TV ratings?  Jesus, it really takes a lot to make the NFL and MLB look like exemplars of evenhanded rational justice, but here we are. And apparently we’re also having judging problems in snowboarding?

So, Mayhem’s Solution: no judged events. They are horseshit. And in objectively-scored events we’re going to follow the lead of this year’s Darling Event: monobob. Everyone gets the same equipment with a few optional switch-out parts. Every competitor’s uniform is made of the same fabric. Instaban for a PED dirty drop where the A and B samples match- the purity of the sport is sacrosanct and is more important than any one competitor.

Oh, and we need like 18 fewer speed-skating events. One long, one short, one relay.

FINALLY: We are considering a New Feature, where our very own JJFozz will be forced to sit through avante-gard or Oscar-bait flicks and do a Temptation Island Recap-style article consisting of his notes as he watches. And the best part is: AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION! Yes, you degenerate freaks will nominate movies for Fozz to watch.

Get to Commenting!