*A totally original DFO production and not just a rip-off of a feature we all enjoyed from that other site we all met at.

Good morning!  Or afternoon depending on when this thing posts.  As you know, because you undoubtedly filled out Blax’s draft contest sheet (if not, you can still enter here [PHRASING, BOOM!]) and are eagerly anticipating getting a final score on that roughly equivalent to Jamarcus Russell’s Wonderlic score, the NFL draft is this coming Thursday.  And Friday.  And Saturday.  Followed by Sunday Second Guessing.  In preparation for the draft DFO presents this opportunity for you to, if you will, “get to better know a draft pick”, which is something I totally came up with on my own and didn’t rip off from KSK word for word because it still hurts dammit, IT STILL HURTS!!!!

-ahem-

Today we meet Carson Wentz!  He’s the big lug up top.  Let’s get to know him shall we?

Physical Attributes:  He’s either 6’3″, 6’5″ or 6’6″.  I saw all three heights when cruising the internet this morning.  His weight seems to be 223-237.  It’s safe to say he’s bigger than me.  He’s also a ginger.  And he may have a 15″ “hammer cock”.

College Experience:  He had a hell of a career at North Dakota State, leading the Bison to national championships his last two years.  Missed most of his senior season with a broken wrist but did come back to help his team dominate the national championship.  The Bison, however, play at whatever they now call D-1AA and it’s not like Wentz was piling up those rings against teams like Alabama or Oklahoma.  And the best players from Alabama and Oklahoma are going to be the ones he’s trying to beat in the NFL.

Does He Tweet?: @cj-wentz.  Do you like the Bible?  JJ Watt platitudes? North Dakota athletics?  You do?  Follow him immediately.  Pretty sure the @gingerjesus11 link noted above isn’t him.  Although it is sort of funny.

Strengths:  Played in a pro-style offense at NDSU, assuming by “pro-style” you mean “CFL.”  According to various scouting reports including ESPN, Philly.com, (wait, what?), and CBS , Wentz showed a strong arm and an ability to make all the throws necessary to the pro game.  Considered very intelligent and is reported to have scored 40/50 on the Wonderlic, highest among the quarterbacks.  Big character guy, which is important because every succesful NFL player is a fucking paragon of virtue.  Considered to have good movement and not afraid to seek contact, which seem to be too mutually exclusive things and the latter doesn’t seem likely to help an NFL QB not named Cam Newton, who outweighs Wentz by 30-40 pounds.

Weaknesses:  Didn’t play a lot, (he only started his last two years; of course NDSU was winning national championships then too, and you don’t see whoever that QB was in the NFL today now do you?  Seriously, do you?  I’m too lazy to look up who it was.), and he missed the bulk of his senior year with that broken wrist.  Some scouts seem to think he has a tendency to lock on to receivers too early, either forcing throws into coverage that will cost him in the NFL, or else throwing an incompletion to a receiver in tight coverage while missing a wide-open option elsewhere.  One of those scouts is Pete Prisco, so it’s probably bullshit.

According to the ESPN magazine profile Wentz loves guns.  Guns and NFL players have proved to be a great mix in the past although until the NFL starts giving out suspensions for duck hunting I think Wentz will be all right.

Nicest Comparison:  Ben Rothlisberger.  For the football ability.

Meanest Comparison:  Alex Smith.  I mean, yeah, Smith is still in the league and does OK but Wentz’s hands don’t look that small.

Please God No Comparison:  Steve McNair, the last non D-1 QB taken in the first five picks, (#2, with a bullet!), McNair had a solid career but things did not end well there.

Does He Pass The Blake Bortles Test?:    Melissa, girlfriend since high school.  They are going to have SO many kids and all of those kids are going to die of whole milk poisoning.  Wholesomeness score here is off the charts.  And apparently she’s a ringer at mini-golf, so there’s that too.

Where’s He Going?:  That’s an interesting question.  The consensus seems to be that the Rams want Goff more than Wentz.  Which might be bad for the Rams because they have Todd Gurley and would seem to benefit more from a pro-style QB than Goff, who played in something called an “Air Raid” system in college, which I don’t pretend to understand but am pretty sure does not involve having Todd Gurley line up 7 yards behind the line of scrimmage and then run up the middle.  BUT, if Wentz has to take his red hair and pale skin to southern California he will burst into flames and turn to ash faster than his buddy Jehovah turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt, so he might be better off in Philadelphia, since even the sun has turned its back on Philly these days.

There’s some talk, however, that Philly traded up to get Tunsil, so they could protect the huge investment that they for some reason just made on Fragile Sam Bradford.  I’d be surprised if that happens but if it does San Diego is probably going to trade out of #3 because WHAT? HUH? YOU DRAFTED A QB IN THE FIRST ROUND? FUCK YOU!, (although sticking Wentz behind Rivers for two seasons and letting him learn makes a lot of sense, which is probably why San Diego won’t do it), and if the top 3 draft positions are all traded chaos will reign, blood will fall from the skies and Darth Lord Hoodie will trade Tom Brady for Wentz, and it will work out.