Editor’s Note: Please click here for Part 1 and here for Part 2.

Mexicali is a LOT different from TJ. For starters, at the border in TJ, they enthusiastically wave you in. If you look carefully, you can see them mouth the words, “Spend your money!”

At the border in Mexicali, I was actually stopped and asked why I was coming into México. The border agent was cute so I was seriously tempted to tell her I had an appointment with a plastic surgeon for a penis reduction. However, her hair was pulled so far back that I could tell she wouldn’t appreciate the joke.

Instead of telling her I was going to one of the HOtels in the historic district, I said I was going shopping for the day. It wasn’t a complete lie.

She gave me a look, decided she’d wasted enough time with me, and let me in. I made the first left I could and took the road uphill. Pretty quickly, I arrived and parked my car in front of one of the hotels.

Even in the early evening, they were out there. They had seen me pull in and I was surrounded like a mosquito lamp in the Bayou.

“¡Después! Tengo que ver a la patrona.”

That bought me some time and space and I was able to go inside the lobby. I looked for the Recepción sign but no one had bothered to put one up. No one cares if you run a brothel in México if you know the right people.

I saw an older lady sitting on a leopard-skin chaise-lounge. She was wearing a Chanel dress, high heels, and expensive jewelry. Either she was running the place or she was the top courtesan.

She was definitely no whore.

I approached her and greeted her respectfully, “Buenas tardes. ¿Usted está a cargo aquí?”

“¡Si güerito! ¿Cómo te gustan? ¿Rubias? ¿Morenas? ¿Flacas? ¿Gordas?”

“¿Que tal Alemanas?”

“¿Sabes? De mis regulares, tengo una rubia que, si quieres, te da un Trump. Pero te va a costar extra.”

“Estoy seguro que valdría todo lo que pagaría. Pero estoy buscando una muchacha en particular que me dijeron trabajaba aquí. ¿La conoce?

I showed her a picture from Lara’s Instagram. She looked at it carefully and gave me back my phone.

“¡Cómo no! ¡Es la Larita! Pero sabes, hace mucho tiempo que no la veo. Pero también estas equivocado.”

“¿Equivocado? ¿En qué?”

“Ella no trabajaba con hombres. Solamente mujeres.”

“¿Trabajaba? ¿Ya no trabaja aquí?”

“Como te dije, hace mucho que no la veo. Ahora, en que te puedo interesar? La rubia tiene una amiga con quien hace unos tríos buenísimos.”

“Suena muy bien, pero no gracias. Muchísimas gracias por platicar conmigo.”

I handed her the folded $100 bill as I shook her hand.

“Mucho gusto”

She put the bill in her bra.

“¿Que tal tu y yo, güerito?”

“Si me reconoce la próxima vez que entre aquí, órale pues.”

“¡Hasta luego!”

There was a crowd around my car when I exited. After a few moments of lying that I’d return and that I was only getting something to eat, I managed to get inside and drive away. I headed east towards the medical clinics and the hospitals. There were decent hotels there in which the AC worked really well.

Lara The Lesbian Call Girl was a twist I had not expected. I mean, I knew she would take money for sex but the fact that she did it exclusively with women was new. I wondered if she only did that in México. Like a magic switch turned on after she crossed the border that made her only want to fuck girls. I bet the border guard had something to do with that.

I found a hotel and got a room. I hadn’t eaten since brunch with Rölf, so I looked in the room for any brochures from restaurants or a room service menu.

No luck. I didn’t want to drive in Mexicali at night. San Bernardino cops are bad enough. You don’t want to mess with Mexican cops. Besides, I’d given my mordida money away already.

I remembered that there was a pharmacy within walking distance and that they’re practically 7-Elevens down in México. I walked the two blocks and loaded up on bottled water and snacks. I even threw in a couple of protein bars for nutrition.

The temperature was still high but the sun had set and it was now rapidly cooling as it does in the desert. A breeze that could only have come from the Sea of Cortez hit my face and I realized I was very tired.

I got into my room quickly and started eating. That made me feel a little better. I turned the TV on and then realized there were no soccer games on Tuesday nights. Not even in México. I turned it off and decided to just go to sleep.

The AC was working hard but it was still warm in the room. I stripped down to my underwear and got in the bed. The cool sheets felt wonderful against my bare skin. As I closed my eyes, I finally got a sense of peace after a long day. My mind started thinking about what it would be like to bang the madam when my fledgling dream was rudely interrupted by a scream coming from outside my door.

It wasn’t the type of scream you hear when someone discovers a bug in their bed or their shoe or something. It also wasn’t the type of scream of someone that’s gotten bad or sad news. You would expect that being so close to hospitals.

No, this was the type of scream of someone fearing for their life. It was the type of scream normal rational people ran away from. But I was in my underwear and I didn’t want to drive at night in Mexicali so I got up and opened up the door.

Almost immediately, a girl rushed inside and shut the door. She cried, “Help me!” and hid behind me. I instinctively put the latch on and locked the door.

“¡Abre la puerta! ¡Es la policía!”

I looked in the peephole. I saw two very pissed off officers of the Mexicali police force.

I looked at the girl, “What the fuck did you do?”

“Nothing!”

“Yeah right”

I spoke to the door, “Oficiales, yo soy abogado. ¿Que ha hecho ésta mujer?”

I looked in the peephole. They were more pissed off than before.

“Queremos llevarla a la estación para preguntarle sobre un delito.”

“¿Cuál delito?”

“¡La violación de tu madre! ¡Abre la puerta!”

“¿Conocen al juez Ramírez? El es muy buen amigo de mi madre. ¿Porque no le van a decir lo que me dijeron y a ver cómo les va?”

This seemed to shock them. “¿En serio conoce al juez?”

“Le puedo llamar ahorita mismo. ¿Como se llaman?”

“¡Olvídalo! Creo que nos equivocamos de cuarto.”

“Seguro que si. ¡Tengan buenas noches!”

They were still pissed off, but they left. I knew they wouldn’t go far, though. I turned towards the girl who was now calm and smiling. I noticed she was kinda cute now that she wasn’t scared for her life.

“Ok, who are you and what’s going on? Oh, and you’re staying the night with me. I hope you don’t mind farts. These protein bars are super potent.”