Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 7, 2022 Season

Things happened yesterday.  Let’s discuss some of them!

Remember how competent Matty Ice was last week?  Well, fucking forget it.  Don T’s Suddenly Quite Perky Tits harrassed the fuck out of him, with two back-breaking first turnovers digging a hole the Humps would never climb out of.  Pretty much all of the second half was Peak Vrabel, just squeezing the life out of things with defense and el Tractorcito.  19-10, and Surly Duff Division cromulence is achieved.

Oh man, Baby Buster WISHES he had Matty Ice’s Sunday.  I lost track of how many times he gave the ball back to the ‘Persons (I looked it up, the answer is “four” with another from Jamaal Williams).  As such, Dallas didn’t need much from ol’ Ham Head.  Which is good, he mostly just game managed.  24-6, N-GCp.  5-2 keeps at least some pressure on the Bye Weeking Iggles.

It was a clash of #ThePauls and the home #RebrandedPauls of Baltimore.  And yeah, there was quite a bit of Pauling.  Lamar! did enough (in between some fairly big negative plays) to build a 23-13 lead early in Q4.  Justin Tucker was busy, and mileage added to the Gus Bus (2 scores fresh off IR).  Believeland finally showed us a little KHunt to cut the margin to 3, then forced a Justice Hill fumble to give them a chance to win/tie.  Which they, quite naturally, Pauled up.  A blatant, stupid OPI on Amari Cooper took them out of FG range, until Brissett made a great sack escape/scramble to set us a 55-yard try to tie.  Naturally, they false started to make the attempt just short of a prayer, which was then blocked.  Ratbirds hold on, 23-20.

BLEERGH feasted in Northern Florida, like it was hurricane-aided flesh eating bacteria.  At first, it largely benefitted the Giants…until it didn’t.  Lots of chucklefuckery in the final 2:00, including what I didn’t know was reviewable – the 3rd down Saquon run being marked in bounds, but reversed to say his foot hit the chalk before he was down and/or gave himself up.  Basically, that’s a 40 second time swing, a yuuuuuugggge deal when you are talking 1:03 or 0:23, with no timeouts to work with.  The short FG made it 23-17, but a series of 3-4 questionable penalties (most notably a horrid, Dreamboat-calibre roughing) kept JAX alive.  That last flag meant that, instead of a Hail Mary from the 34, the ball moved to the 19 AND stopped the clock at 0:17.  Prison Girlfriend’s third attempt found Christian Kirk – but an excellent form tackle held him 1.5-2 feet (nae yards) short of the goal line.  Time expires, Scotchnaut continues living.  6-1, no shit?  NO SHIT.  The home crowd was at least 75% relocated Yankees, so it was quite pleased with the outcome (if not the journey).

I didn’t lead with the hilarity, but OH MY CATS – only a short Q4 field goal kept MRSA Dreamboat from being shut out.  By the motherfucking, full tank ahead PANTHERS.  PJ Harvey out-YPA’d the geriatric Brady, 8.0-5.9.  McCaffrey’s anonymous backups?  Out-rushed the Bucs 6.4-2.9 YPC.  Basically, a start-to-finish ass kicking, 21-3.  I am already looking forward to the bitch fit or fits to follow.

Still, that 3-4 MRSA record?  FIRST PLACE in the NFC South.  Fucking gross.

But that’s not all!  Despite racing out to a defensive TD-fired 14-3 lead, Q-aaron and pals entered wet fart mode in the final 2.5 quarters of play.  They would need lots of ticky-tack officiating just to pull back within one score late, 23-21.  But after a terrible start, Tyler Heinecke found a gear we didn’t know he had.  Critically, he stood tall in front of a jailhouse blitz and converted 3rd and long just before the 2-minute warning.  That meant giving the ball back withg just 23 seconds to play.  A narrowly-missed INT turned into a broken play that got GB to near midfield.  But they could only spike it at the 5-second mark, no chance to get in FG range.  Their bananacakes lateral play was pretty damned good, but finally fizzled out around the 20.  Commies hold on to win, both teams now 3-4.

It’s a good day to kick back and watch the chaos, if one is a Vikings fan.  Hat tip to yeah right!

Unless you are a Vikings fan facing off agaionst Joe Burrow in fantasy.  No matter what, if you were against Burrow, you fucking lost.  481 fucking yards, 3 passing scores, 1 rushing TD as a cherry on top.  Insane 11.5 YPA, especially on 42 attempts.  I’d hold onto your butthole, AFC North.  WKRP is back on the air, and BLACKER THAN EVAR!  Marcus Mariota, on the other hand, attempted 13 forward passes, completing 8.  Uh, yeah.  Sherman’s Ashes did manage 17 Q2 points to almost get back into it (28-17 at the half), but the Burrow 3Q sneak accounted for the only score of the second half.

Poor hobo Lovie Smith.  His 500s just don’t stand a chance.  He lkeeps plugging away, though.  Seeing his defense being gashed by Josh Jacobs, he lines up to go for 4th and 1 on his own 34, down 24-20.  They false start, forced to punt.  On the ensuing drive, Vegas faced a 4th and 1 on the 500’s 20.  I don’t believe they had ANY intention of snapping the ball.  Houston jumps into the neutral zone anyway.  Jacobs walks into the end zone very next play.  Followed by a pick 6 to salt things away, 38-20.  Jacobs looked really good today, all season really.  Someone will give him decent guaranteed moneys this off-season, and regret it.

Geno Smith, 2022 NFL MVP.  It’s not even a cheeky joke anymore, but a realistic campaign.  Did you know Marquise Goodwin was still in the League?  FUCKING LIAR.  He caught TWO scores from Geno today.  Even a Clippers safety dance couldn’t turn things around, as the Truthers rolled in front of the (again, highly supportive) home So Cal crowd.  I have no fucking clue how Seattle is 4-3, but I’m sure they feel better about it than LA does about their matching record.  Kenny Walker got a long score late to make this a rout.  37-23, SeaTruthers (thanks only to garbage/pity time).

Especially since the Chefs went into Santa Clara, and kicked the Tomsulas teeth in.  KC also managed a safety dance Q4, it’s nice when a theme emerges.  Mecole Hardman scores thrice, because why the fuck not?  One senses that all those Santa Clara injuries have pushed things over the tipping point.  But they’re still all in on 2022, and we’ll have to see how Janeane and company rally.  44-23, KC.  Brock Purdy got to clean up at the end.  Yikes.

Sigh.  The Brett Rypien Experience – much like Charmslinger last Monday night, just a bit off-brand.  Encouraging start, square root of fuckall after halftime.  MILF-hunter Z scrambled around a lot, like a puppy out there.  But he just had to not lose the game, and he didn’t.  The Saleh Jets move to 5-2, and theoretically stay on Bills Mafia’s arse.  But a Wild Card is still the realistic ceiling here, especially if Breece Hall’s injury is serious (as it seemingly is).  16-9, Noo Yawk.  Things will get worse in Denver before they get better.  If they get better.

Hippo did manage to stay awake for SNF, even though it was just Stillers/LOLfins.  I make poor life decisions.  Maybe not quite “independent neurologist” calibre, but still.  Anyway, it was 16-10 a the half, then I mostly lost track amidst a sea of punts and incompletions.  Two late Uncle Jack drives ended in desperatioon pickerceptions, so 16-10 we would stay.  SUCH FITBAW.