We will be continuing our world-wide culinary jaunt today with the French inspired dish of quiche lorraine. People have odd reactions still to this day about quiche. If you hear somebody say they don’t like quiche you can quickly dismiss their opinion about anything and everything else from that moment forward. Quiche is a delivery vessel. Saying you don’t like it is like saying “I don’t like sandwiches” or “I don’t like pizza.” Try it with different ingredients you damn dummy before you get all judgemental and shit. You can make a crab/asparagus quiche, additional items like mushrooms, spinach, all of the cheeses, ham, proscuitto, tomatoes whatever you want basically. Think of it as a calzone pie. I once made a pizza quiche with pepperoni, Italian sausage, mushrooms, provolone and mozzarella and it was fucking blissful.

Quick story time: a couple of girlfriends ago I was sharing a house with the crazy red haired girl, we lived right next door to her Mom, Uncle and Grandmother. Yes it was a little close proximity. Sadly her grandmother passed on and her entire family showed up for the funeral and to arrange the affairs of the will. There were about 8-10 folks who were there for almost two weeks. I was recruited to bake a quiche a day, every morning, to bring next door and to feed the red head’s family. I did spinach, mushroom and this here quiche lorraine. They bought the ingredients and gave me 40 bucks for each quiche. I ain’t ashamed! And I sure as HELL ain’t cheap! So yeah. I have been doing this one since the mid 80’s and it is easily one of my favorites. Me and the littlest yeah right each grabbed a fork one night, no plates and we finished that tasty motherfucker in about 18 minutes. Oh my, yes!

When prepared properly a good quiche has a smooth, custardy, cheesy texture that can actually lead to spontaneous orgasm. It’s true! So put on an old pair of undies, take off your damn pants and let’s get busy up in this bitch!

Single pastry pie dough

1 cup of all purpose flour

Small dash of salt

1/3 cup of shortening. You’re damn skippy!

2 tablespoons of cold water

In a medium sized bowl mix together the flour and salt, add in the shortening and using a pastry cutter, cut until the mixture resembles small peas. Add in the water one tablespoon at a time and gently mix. Don’t overwork the dough! Form into the shape of a ball, wrap up in plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator for about an hour. Roll out until the dough is larger than a pie tin, place in the pie tin, prick with holes and bake for about 7 minutes in a 425 oven.

Hey! You! Yeah, you! Want to know something? You can totally use a frozen pre-made pastry shell for this. [whispers] I actually am doing that today because I had one in my freezer which was the inspiration to make a quiche. Getting that damn pastry shell out of my freezer. In all honesty the home made crust is the way to go. The flavor difference is no comparison. But I digress.

You’re gonna wanna precook that crust for about 7 minutes before adding the filling.

For the filling

8 slices of bacon cooked until very crispy. You only need about 6 slices for the recipe but I know you! There is no way you will cook all of this glorious pig and not scarf down a slice or two. Be honest with yourself and plan accordingly. Also, quick question: how do you like your bacon? I like to be able to bend mine without it breaking. I like a little chew. I know lots of folks cook their bacon to the point of incineration but that’s just personal preference. You will want to cook the bacon until very crispy today because we are going to crumble it up and put it in the quiche.

3/4 cup of grated swiss cheese. Do yourself a favor and buy some Swiss swiss cheese. You won’t be able to eat this recipe all of the time so do it right. “Why can’t I do this recipe all of the time, yeah right?” you may ask. Because it has bacon, cheese, eggs, cream, shortening and white flour in it that’s why! Jesus, stop trying to give yourself a heart attack! Don’t you already take Lipitor fer crying out loud?

2 tablespoons minced onion

4 large eggs, slightly beaten

1 1/2 cups of half and half. You could use heavy cream or whole milk but do NOT use 1%, 2% or non-fat. It just won’t set right.

1 teaspoon of flour

1/4 teaspoon salt

Couple of grinds of black pepper

1/8 teaspoon cayenne

dash of nutmeg (Nutmeg!)

Toss the teaspoon of flour with the swiss cheese add in to the pre-baked pastry shell. Toss in the crumbled cooked bacon and the minced onion. In a small bowl combine the eggs, cream, salt, pepper and cayenne and pour over the bacon and cheese in the pastry shell. Sprinkle a little nutmeg on top. This will bake in a 325 degree oven for about 45 minutes. Cook until set. You can test for doneness by inserting a knife in the center and if the knife comes out clean, the quiche is set.

Handy cooking tip!

Do not overfill your pastry shell. You won’t be able to get it from the counter into the oven without it slopping all over the floor and your feet and it will generally just piss you right the fuck off. Also might be a good idea to place a large cookie sheet on the oven rack below the rack you are going to cook the quiche on. You can also put a sheet of foil on the bottom of the oven to collect the drips. The quiche will puff up a little, kind of souffle like and there is potential for spillage and burnage. If you do spill in the oven you will be reminded of it the next 4 or 5 times you turn the oven on.

When the quiche is cooked, allow to cool for at least 15 minutes. Trust me, this shit is delicious room temperature or even cold but don’t try to eat it as soon as it come out of the oven. Aesthetically the quiche won’t be set and it will make a mess, and physically trying to eat a molten hot egg-cheese volcano from the oven will possibly lead to skin grafts on the roof of your mouth and tongue. Just wait you impatient bastard.

You can click on that photo and enlarge if you want to get into the hardcore food porn.

I know you’ve heard me toss a few barbs at my dear departed Ma but I totally owe her for this recipe. I think it was at one of our little league potluck dinners where Ma tried quiche for the first time and she fell as in love with it as I did the first time I tried it. I’m not joking when I say this is one of my favorite dishes ever. The thing about it, there are no strong dominant flavors in this dish. Everything is subtle, everything is savory and when you take the time and do your own crust, like I didn’t today because I’m being a lazy fuck, you add the dimension of flaky buttery crust to the party.

The wine in the photo is a perfect accompaniment to the quiche. That’s an Italian (I know, I know) Pinot Grigio from Da Vinci vineyards in Italy. It’s my favorite white wine these days. I thought an IPA would be a little overpowering for this. Look how dainty and refined I am!

I hope this gets you past your fear of quiche, if you had one in the first place. If you are interested in trying this and you end up liking it then branch out and go crazy with other ingredients. It really is a perfect vessel to deliver all of your favorite flavors in.

As the French would say this is a  “savoureux encule” or “tasty motherfucker”

Editors note, the music I was listening to during the preparation and writing of this post was English Beat “I Just Can’t Stop It” and yes I’m aware that goes with a French food as well as Italian wine.