Oak Island is a 140 acre island located off of the south shore of Nova Scotia.  For more than 200 years people of all types and backgrounds have searched for treasure supposedly hidden away on the island.  To date almost nothing has been found.  Still people continue to pursue the fame and fortune that would accompany the discovery of any treasures, which are rumored to include pirate gold, a Roman outpost, Spanish treasures, your mom’s little black book, the Ark of the Covenant and other equally incredible and possibly evil things.

In 2014 the History Channel began airing ‘The Curse of Oak Island’ a documentary-type series focusing on a group of modern treasure hunters led by the brothers Rick and Marty Lagina.  The Lagina brothers for real bought most of the island and now spend lots of time and money digging it up.

This year the History Channel, in an apparent effort to distract viewers from their in-unbelievably-poor-taste show ‘Hunting Hitler’, and the NFL, in an apparent effort to distract viewers from, well, name it really, have agreed to have a real NFL coach pop in for each episode to lend their motivational and strategic expertise to find something besides water and mud.

This week it’s Tom Coughlin, current, (for now), head coach of the New York Giants.*

*Editor’s Note:  This was scheduled for tomorrow but I moved it up as I’m hearing too much about Coughlin being gone by the end of today.

(stomps into heated cabin, dressed in parka but still obviously cold)  Hey Marty.  Jesus it’s cold out there.  Feels like we might break the record for lowest temperature ever recorded on Nova Scotia, which as you of course know is -42.  Up in Upper Stewiacke.  Hey, hand over some of that coffee.  I’m freezing.

(hands over coffee)  Here ya go.  I just made it but it’s getting cold fast.  I don’t think we’ll break any records today, (this ain’t Upper Stewiacke), but it is freaking miserable out there.  I don’t think we’ll even go out today; wind’s coming hard…

Rick:  PHRASING!!!  Boom! Nailed it!

Marty:  We’re not doing “phrasing” anymore Rick, didn’t you get the memo?  Anyway, the winds blowing…DON’T…pretty fierce and it can’t be more than 15 degrees out there.  No way we get anything done.  We’re going to have to reschedule the NFL thing today, which is too bad.  Today we had om Coughlin scheduled and I like that guy.

Rick:  Bad news for you there Marty, we’re going out.  I didn’t get the “phrasing” memo, (seriously, are we not doing “phrasing” any more?), but I did get the memo from the NFL saying it’s all systems go.  I guess we shouldn’t be surprised; the NFL pays lip service at best to their players’ physical safety on the field and their sociopathic at best behavior off of it so a little wind and freezing rain and potential death by exposure should mean nothing to them.  Also apparently Coughlin likes this weather.  We’re supposed to meet him at 12,  It’s 11:30 now so let’s finish the coffee, get geared up and get out to good old Borehole 10X.

(Rick slurps his coffee, Marty starts to get dressed)

-Door flies open-

WHERE THE HELL ARE THE GUYS I’M SUPPOSED TO GO TREASURE HUNTING WITH!?  IT’S 11:50.  THEY’RE LATE AND THAT MEANS THEY’RE FINED AND DON’T GIVE ME ANY OF THAT ‘YOU CAN’T FINE ME, I DON’T WORK FOR YOU’ BULLSHIT EITHER BECAUSE I CAN AND I WILL!

Hey, is that coffee?  Hand it over. (swipes coffee out of Rick’s hands)

Now, let’s get to it, time’s wasting.  Also you each owe me $50.  You can pay me at the end of this episode.

Rick:  What the fu…

Marty:  Uh Coach Coughlin, it’s a real honor for both of us to meet you but aren’t you cold?  It’s 15 degrees out there and the wind chill has to be below zero!  You’re wearing a windbreaker and a hat.

Coughlin:  Son the cold hasn’t bothered my since Green Bay in ’08.  I’ll let you in on a little secret; before that game I had most of my blood replaced with piss and vinegar.  Never freezes, never boils.  Don’t have to worry about temperature extremes at all any more.  If I could get something in my blood that would keep kids off my lawn I’d really be on to something.  But enough chit chat, let’s move.  You girls keep getting dressed and meet me at the dig-site; I feel like taking a walk. (Coughlin storms off)

Marty:  Did he just call us girls?

Rick:  He did Marty.  Seems kind of sexist and chauvinistic and yet I’m strangely honored that Tom Coughlin called me a girl.  Let’s get going.

They drive off.  The voice-over narrator discusses the possibility that Oak Island is the site of an ancient Roman fortress.  Everyone misses the yeti that walks in front of the car.  They arrive at the site for the day, Borehole 10X.  Coughlin is standing there, red-faced, glaring.

Coughlin:  Do you mean to tell me that I walked here faster than you could get dressed and drive here?  That’s another $50 from each of you, and I’m including that goddamn cameraman.  You can pay the yeti on the way back.

Marty:  Yeti?

Coughlin:  Yeah, the big white guy.  Nice enough, doesn’t say much.  Would make a helluva a tight end, maybe be as good Bavaro.  But that’s not why we’re here is it?

Rick:  Well if there’s a yeti…

Coughlin:  Forget the yeti son!  Time’s wasting!  We’re here for treasure and that’s what we need to focus on.  That and the color of your team uniforms.  This parka and snowboots thing is OK but it ain’t gonna move the merchandise and it ain’t gonna motivate your crew.  Why when I was in Jacksonville I designed their unis and those things are a thing of beauty to this day.

Marty:  But Jacksonville’s uniforms are hide..OW!

Rick: (taking his elbow out of Marty’s ribs)  Yeah I remember those.  Sweet.  Bought my kids two each, home and away.

Marty:  No you didn…OW!

Coughlin:  Don’t blow smoke up my ass son, it interferes with the piss and vinegar balance.  What’s the story with this hole?  Looks like a goddamn mess.

Marty: (rubbing his ribs and glaring at Rick, who appears to be intensely gazing into the forest, as though looking for a yeti)  Well Coach, this is the famous Borehole 10X.  It’s 230′ deep and no one quite knows what’s at the bottom of it.  Could be the ‘Manna Machine’, from the Knights Templar, could be gold, could be a treasure chest, could be  a severed hand.

Coughlin:  Could be you need some citations for all that speculation son.  Hell if Eli called plays the way you two chase treasure we’d lose more games on wild-ass conclusions than I care to remember.

Marty:  But you do lose more games on wild-ass conclu…RICK DON’T! (Rick guiltily hides a shovel behind his back)

Hey Coach, did you call?  Need something from me?  A burned time-out that we could use later?  Three incompletions in a row when two runs up the middle would seal the win?  a Yoo-hoo?  You can have one.  I get the rest. (hoards 5 Yoo-hoos in a plastic bucket)

Rick:  Holy hell what is Eli Manning doing here dressed like that?  He’s gonna die of exposure in 15 minutes!

Marty:  Given his time-management skills I’d say more like 8.

Coughlin:  Boy’s tougher than he looks.  He’ll be fine.  As long as this job doesn’t require any crucial decision-making under significant time constraints.  If it does then quite honestly we’re screwed.

Rick:  Uh, that’s pretty much all we do Coach.

Marty:  Yeah, everything around here is a last minute, white-knuckle thrill ride of equipment breakages, snipe-hunting and failure piles.

Coughlin:  Sounds like a job for Cleveland.

Marty:  We tried that.  Ended up murdering Manz…OW!  GodDAMMIT Rick that hurt!

Rick: (putting down 3/8″ pipe wrench) Sorry Marty.  Thought I saw a mosquito on your head.

Coughlin:  Never had much use for Manziel.  All that boozing lends itself to lateness, and I can’t abide lateness.  But I don’t understand why everything here is a last-minute rush:  You guys own the island!  You can do what you want, how you want, when you want.  Why not just take your time and do it right.  I can certainly help you with taking your time.  Hell I’m an expert on time-management.

Rick:  Uh, well, not to disparage your time-managment skills Coach but…

Marty:  You see Coach, the thing is we have a, uh, narrative to maintain here.  The longer we can drag this search out the longer the show stays on.  The longer the show stays on the longer our 15 minutes is…

Sometimes 15 minutes feels like 4 to me!

Rick:  Uh, yeah, and the thing is that if we just use our drilling expertise to blow these holes out one after the other we’d find the treasure, or that there is no treasure, and that would be that.  And there’s no fun, or advertising revenue, at all doing it that way.

Coughlin: (puts a hand on each of their shoulders):  Boys, don’t say another word.  If there’s one thing I know more about than time-management it’s the need to maintain the narrative.  The NFL pounds that into our heads the way your predecessors pounded those iron pipes into that borehole, and let me tell you those pipes will be a damn site easier to get out.

Marty:  Oh shit, those are easy. We just have to attach a line with chains, winch it up segment by segment and saw each one off in sequence.  Probably half a day’s work.

Rick:  If that.

Coughlin:  But if you did that…

Rick and Marty: (together) WE’D RUIN THE NARRATIVE!

Coughlin:  Boys, I say we attach a line with some low-tensile strength rope and haul on one pipe until it breaks.  Then we’ll sit around and look puzzled before deciding to redirect our attention to another part of the island rather than keep focusing on one spot until the job is done.

Rick:  Not a bad idea Coach, not bad at all, but your QB is turning blue and has fallen over.  

Eli:  My feet are cold!

Aww horsefeather!  Eli, get up and get in the truck son; you’re going to lose a finger and then you’ll be useless.  There’s some piss and vine…some lemonade in my thermos.  Drink that.

(to Rick and Marty) Now, let’s get started. I’ll get the chains and…

Producer:  We’re out of time Coach.

Coughlin: SON OF A BI….(fade to commercial)