Benevolent Champion, gentle lover, mysteriously dapper. These are a few of the superlatives whispered in the dark corners of the world about me. I promise to only add the most head-scratchingly inane comments and never, ever stimulate the conversation as long as the doors are open.
WITNESS ME: writingprocrastination (instragram)
Well well weeellllll… Looks like we’re (I’m) back folks. First off, a big welcome to all you newcomers in the Bar Car of the KSK Express Train to Up For Whatever, USA. This one looks to be going off the rails faster than an Amtrak outside of Philadelphia, but enough about the Eagles “organization.” HO! I’ll be here all night, don’t forget to tip your bartenders.
So, did you know this? Did you hear about this? (Fuck you and your chiny chin chin, Leno). Apparently it was 1995 Week over at this little site I frequent, from time to time, called A.V. Club. Now, nothing against ’95 in general, it was a wonderful year! Stuff happened! Music was released in Compact Digital form! I may have gotten laid (I didn’t)! There was no such thing as an Ed Sheeran! That last point should seriously be looked into. Have you seen that guy?
Ah, yes, nostalgia. That all encompassing word for the halcyon days of your bygone youth. Kinda goes hand-n-hand with reboots and remakes. Which brings me to my point: Nostalgia and all that is associated with it can fuck right off (that includes you, marketing people). You know what didn’t happen in ’95? I didn’t get to touch Jamie on 109th Way’s titty. I heard she was a slut, and I made a pass, and she didn’t let me get some. Whatever, I heard she got fat anyway.
Like that dude who said Michael Bay, “raped his childhood,” when he remade/rebooted Ninja Turtles. Really Guy? You place that much value on a group of Anthropomorphic Reptilia that practice karate and are lead by a stereotyping sewer rat? Christ! Tom Cruise’s specific brand of looney milquetoast was supposedly the last 19th Century Samurai and no one even blinked (no offense)!
Look, I’m not saying you should never be nostalgic. Just, do it somewhere else, away from me. And, if you wanna get mad over a turtle, then get pissed over this:
this moron sees more tail in one week than you will your entire life – Doug Ellin, probably
/puts on conductor hat
CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKERS!
//breaks bud light bottle over head
///accidentally drops mic.