HR DUURRRRBY!

Sep

Gratuitous Simpsons References League Champion, Inaugural 2014 season.
Benevolent Champion, gentle lover, mysteriously dapper. These are a few of the superlatives whispered in the dark corners of the world about me. I promise to only add the most head-scratchingly inane comments and never, ever stimulate the conversation as long as the doors are open.
WITNESS ME: writingprocrastination (instragram)

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The HR Derby is being simulcast on TWWL this evening. Due to technical difficulties, though, it is just a black abyss on the screen. My guess is this guy:

“lemme see dem tiittays!

And this guy:

“I ain’t ever been to no mullet toss GGRRRRR!”

Combined to create a milquetoast singularity of suck that transported the Great American Ball Park and all it’s inhabitants to one of Jupiter’s moons. These two are so milquetoast they go together like Skim Milk and Corn Flakes.

Thanks for unintentionally saving me Comcast!! Just back back back me into a Volcano already.

 

Sep
Gratuitous Simpsons References League Champion, Inaugural 2014 season. Benevolent Champion, gentle lover, mysteriously dapper. These are a few of the superlatives whispered in the dark corners of the world about me. I promise to only add the most head-scratchingly inane comments and never, ever stimulate the conversation as long as the doors are open. WITNESS ME: writingprocrastination (instragram)
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sunrisesunrise

I haven’t watched the HR Derby in a few years (because the Padres haven’t had a non-juiced power hitter since…um…). Moving on. But as the All Star festivities will be at Petco next year, I will be partaking in the event live. Hopefully that will be more fun than having to listen to the analcysts.

King Hippo

I have resolved to avoid the entire Fox-ified All-Star silliness (Jeebus, only Boomer could make things worser). It was bad enough I had to watch all 4 agonizing hours of Sunday Night Baseball on mute, thanks to Kruk and Schilling.

Plus, there were no Redbirds to perform the HR Derby THE RIGHT WAY.

/ducks

Cuntler

You must’ve been upset watching that “trader” Pujols. I like your new tattoo by the way:

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–TZqcUpEq–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/18n1qok9zufb3jpg.jpg

King Hippo

Imagine how extra silly that will look if that dude ever loses any of that 150 or so pounds of extra blubber he’s carrying.

/laughs at the thought of any of our morans ever LOSING weight, for non-meth reasons.

//AP5 not a trader because he just done wut THE LORD AND SAVIOR JC done told him too ,, ppl forget that

Cuntler

I love that the extra money that Pujols made from the contract is basically all going to California state tax, and he just wanted to get the fuck out of Mizzourah. He is basically Grandpa Simpson.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/f7ee1510ecb2ea3af5c3a1ea369aaa4e/tumblr_mlsc33VvCD1somw7ho2_1280.png

King Hippo

He is closer to his BFF Glenn Beck, though. I’m sure he’s hoarding it all in gold bars.

Worked out for the best, though, in pure Cardinals Devil Magic fashion. Even with his brief (likely unsustainable) power surge from May/June this season, that contract is an albatross and would have crippled the franchise for a decade.

King Hippo

Also, being a fan of the literary works of Daniel Woodrell, the parts of Missouri that are not St. Louis proper sound downright fucking terrifying, such that they put the parts of the South that I’ve experienced (granted, I have never been to Mississippi) to shame.

WhyEaglesWhy

I always sort of get excited for the All-Star Game in baseball, and the HR Derby, because while I like baseball as a sport, I don’t follow it as much as I do football and hockey. But Jesus, after about 20 minutes the HR Derby is like watching paint dry. And a really boring color of paint, too, like eggshell.

The HR Derby reminds me of Weinerschnitzel. About once a year, I think “Goddamn, I could go for some Weinerschnitzel.” They have CHILI CHEESE FRY BURRITOS. Then I eat it. I’m happy for ten minutes and then miserable for six hours. It takes me about a year to forget those events and think, “Goddamn, I could go for some Weinerschnitzel.” And then the cycle starts anew.

Cuntler

I watched the HR derby for a few minutes and the first commercial was for Viagra. Fitting.

Old School Zero

I’m going to watch the only sport that matters these days.

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR!

http://media.giphy.com/media/k2uQviVpT13uE/giphy.gif

Horatio Cornblower

Please god tell me this really happened.

Old School Zero

I mean, sort of. Probably staged, probably wasn’t totally naked, but, hey, it’s pretty damn fun.

ballsofsteelandfury

ESPN has absolutely ruined baseball for me. I cannot stand to watch it.