Saturday Pre Season Games Open Thread

Did you take the dog for a walk, do the groceries, the laundry, go for a run, go to the gym and kiss the partner? (not what you’re thinking, lawyers) Are you in the mood for a beverage and a little me/alone time? Well, buddies and buddettes, did you ever stumble into the right place! Thar be a slate of eight games this evening. Let’s run them down, shall we?

Miami at Carolina: The Cat Scratch Reader (OOF! a reference to Ted Nugent that is not timely yet is in bad taste because Nugent) tells me that with Kelvin Benjamin gone the team is expecting at some point for the hamstring-addled Devin Fuchness to fill the roll of “Beastly Wide-Out”. But until he gets well the team will subject us to a steady diet of re-re-tread Ted Ginn. Ted Ginn has two legs but that’s where any comparison to a competent wr ends.

Meanwhile, over at The Phinsider there is panic because the hopes and dreams of an improved secondary went down the toilet with Louis Delmas’ ACL going kablooey (doctorspeak) for the second time. I think that when you pin your hopes on a former Lions player you must sit back and think about what you’ve done. I’m a bit curious to see what Kenny Stills can do when he’s not buried on a talented roster of wr’s.

Baltimore at Philly: Bradford plays his first game for Philly and his first in over a year. I’m thinking it won’t go well. The Eagles feel they’ve improved on their 31st ranked secondary. Nowhere to go but up you positive Polly’s! Also, Tebow! (reminds me-I have to take the t-bones out of the fridge)

Hopefully we can get some fireworks out of the short-tempered Steve Smith for the short time that he’s out there. Short. Ravens are 5 point faves in case you’ve cashed in your kid’s savings recently.

Chicago at Indy: This game is all about what matters most-trying to figure out who Forte’s handcuff is. Watch closely, folks. The D is transitioning from a Bruce (4-3) to a Caitlyn (3-4) so keep an eye out for some strange bumps at some point along the way.

The Colts aren’t going to play their skill guys for very long which is good news for Old Man Gore’s prostate. Keep an eye on Donte Moncrief-he showed marked improvement last year and I think you can get him damn cheap if you play the fantasy.

Jacksonville at NYG: Oh you nutty Giants! No uninjured safety on tonight’s roster has an NFL start with the exception of Brandon Merriwether. You know him, he tackles with his helmet constantly. There’s a battle going on deep within the wr roster between Geremy “Spoke In Class Today” Davis and perennial pre-season star Corey Washington. Coughlin would like for the Eli to throw the ball deep more often so that might be interesting to no one except Giants fans.

I’m getting my first look at T.J. Yeldon tonight. Kidding! I have access to 4 games on my tube but this isn’t one of them. Blake Bortles had only one incompletion last week. This means nothing.

New England at New Orleans: How is that Ingram/Spiller backfield going to shake out? You must know that if you draft Spiller, Ingram will be great so what you should do is draft Ingram so that when he goes down with an injury the guy that drafted Spiller can laugh at you. Hey, who’s Ryan Griffin? I must find out. Hopefully he played basketball at Harvard so that I’ll never stop hearing about him. Speaking of basketball, Josh Hill is not Jimmy Graham and never will be unless he changes his name.

I’m curious about this  Garoppolo fella. I wonder if he will play well…[thinks for a second]. Of course he’ll play well. Fucking Pats.

Oakland at Minnesota: There is a middle LB battle going on between Audie Cole and rookie Eric Kendricks. I didn’t look it up but if the latter was drafted in the 1st he will win. Vike coaches are telling Mr. Bridgewater that they want to see more passes to wideouts. Do we have another potential Checkdown Charlie in our midst?

Ugh. It’s  Christian Ponder time again but now he’s playing inadequately while wearing silver and black. Maybe he should climb into the Oakland stands next week and end it all. Latavius Murray has announced that he is a complete back but what else is he going to say? Amari Cooper will be spending all of his non-football time trying to break into Tim Brown’s house to steal the magic amulet that prevented Brown from sucking at the wideout spot while playing for the Raiders.

Denver at Houston: We’ll see Foreheadius Giganticus for the first time this year! J.J. Watt is on a mission to destroy this young O-line but Kubiak says that they face Ware and Miller all the time so they won’t be fazed. Hillman or Ball? Ball or Hillman? Who will be C.J. Anderson’s backup? Only Mike Shanahan knows for sure…

“The Mallet/Hoyer Battle To Lead The Titans To 4-12” continues tonight. Apparently Mallet has a slight lead. Alfred Blue is the #1 one back here and that doesn’t seem right.

San Diego at Arizona: Melvin Gordon won’t play tonight so…GO DONALD BROWN! Everyone that drafted/picked up Keenan Allen was happy with his numbers. I expect he’ll be able to top them quite easily this year.

I’m sceptical that Andre Ellington will stand up over the course of 16 games plus playoffs (that’s right, I said playoffs!) and I guess management was as well. Cop Speed (hah! remember that?) was brought in to muddy that backfield waters. Cards D last year was very good and may be worth a looky-look tonight.