Your Very Long Intro To Today’s Football Games/Open thread

Let’s get right to it-

Pitt at Buff: Martavis should get a significant amount of time because he’s out for the more realer games. 35(!) year old dog’s life-fucker Vick is likely to get some reps as well. 35. Where did the years go, Mike? Oh yeah, prison. Better than Landry Jones I guess. ESPN ranks the Steelers 5th in terms of talent under the age of 25.

It’s E.J. Manuel’s turn to try and tame the wild beast that is the Bills O. The NFL’s biggest jawbreaker, Enemkpali, looks as though he will stick with the club. If you’ve got nothing to do this afternoon you could probably play rb for the Bills in the 4th quarter. Harvin has another hip injury-I think he’ll just move his comfiest chair on to the injury list and leave it there. Buffalo’s D-line looks awesome.

Atl. at Mia.: Here’s a backfield with potential. Smith can break any run, Freeman is a 3 down back coming into his own and rook Tevin Coleman is ridiculously fast AND quick. (there is a difference) However there’s tons of worry concerning the O-line and their blocking ability. Sean Renfree, it was nice knowing you. I think Julio is going to get Megatron levels of attention from Ryan and opposing D’s because it seems like Roddy is slowing down a fair bit at 33.

Tannehill looks better and better each game and I think Miller at rb will benefit the most. Never sleep on rb’s from the U of Miami. Cameron at te should also benefit from stability at the qb position. He’s a sneaky fantasy pick. Will The Dirty Sue make the Fin D ornery? I’m guessing yes and I think they need some sort of identity.

Clev. at Tampa: No Manziel no fun. Sir Duke of Johnson makes his debut. No one is surprised that the Brownies are 0-2. Terrelle Pryor as a wr? Good luck buddy. Bark Mingo, which is a great name for a hard as nails, whiskey-drinking P.I. with woman troubles, will not be playing. Boo. Here’s some sad sack stuff-the te battle is between Barnidge, Housler and Bibb.

Poor Gerald McCoy, a great talent wasted on a perpetually treading water team. Winston is damn lucky to have a wr set like Evans and Jackson to bail him out. After that the drop off in talent is precipitous however. From my perspective, management has taken the bold stance of not valuing the te spot, like, at all. How would you like to be stuck with a Rainey or James if Martin were to get injured? (100% chance)

Min. at Dal: Minny must, must, must take advantage of Johnson and Wallace’s down field speed to stretch the opposing D. AP should take care of the rest. I think this is his last shot at a monster year and if he stays healthy he will do it. Who names their son “Captain”? Looking over the D, they seem to have talent throughout the line, at lb and in the secondary: they might be an under rated unit.

Dez is out but COLE BEASLEY is in. I don’t think he can go anywhere in the Dal/F.W. area without getting his ass slapped HARD by multiple passersby. League sources have informed me that Brandon Weeden will be suspended for the first 4 games of the year. The reason being, and I quote, “Just look at his last name! It’s right there. Could he be more obvious about it?” McFadden is injured. I didn’t read that, I just felt it.

Jets at Giants: The Jets/Giants tilt is called “The Snoopy Bowl”. I didn’t know that. Ivory finally gets the chance to show folks what he can do, which is to get injured by week 4. DE rook Williams is getting rave reviews from anyone bothering to associate themselves with the Jets.

Stevie Brown, last year’s starter at safety, was cut by the Texans. The Texans. [weeps quietly for two minutes] It’s good to get that out of the system. “All injuries all the time” is the Giants new motto. They’re so banged up that Old Man Coughlin is allowing players to rest, relax and re-hydrate ON HIS LAWN! Surely these are the end times.

Chi. at Cin.: Forte only fumbled twice last year? That’s kinda amazing. If his name is any indication, David Fales will not win a spot at the qb position. I’m just surprised he’s made it this far. Royal, Jeffrey and Wilson are out so Cutler has no choice but to overthrow his new best friend, te Bennett. A Bears blog asked “Is it too soon to panic?”. No, it’s never too soon-you want to get in on the ground floor for these things.

Don’t Dalton and Cutler mirror each other with respect to the lack of respect they get from their respective fan bases? Respect. Are you going to hand the ball over to the completely untested A.J. McCarron, you “Skyline Chili-eating underachiever in whatever you decided to do with your life” Bengals fan? I thought Greg Little was going to be something and was rooting for him but I see that he went to UNC. Now he can drown in a vat of medical waste for all I care. Eifert has to put it together…wait, he went to Notre Dame? Clear some room in that vat!

Wash. at Balt.: Goodbye qb pressure! Galette has got himself an Achilles tear. I count about 6/7 guys this year with the same injury. PK has a word for this. 3rd round rook Matt Jones is making DC football fans smile-looks like he’s Morris’ backup. Count on DeSean to make one flashy play and be generally useless before and after. I hope Cousins plays well so that I can continue to hear the one note storyline that Washington sports writers continually throw at the wall. The spaghetti is DONE, boys.

Have you ever dipped a mayo sandwich into a glass of room temperature skim milk? Joe Flacco has. When you need to throw for 23 total yards and give away 2 intercepts that’s what you eat. It’s that simple. Byrn Renner, a 25 year old out of UNC [spits on floor] has come out of nowhere to challenge Schaub for the backup spot. Now where did I put that vat?

Sea. at SD: So they added Graham. Now word is that rook wr Lockett could  be an impact player. They’ve improved their pass rush. God damn 1%’ers get even richer. Blah, blah, blah.

Melvin Gordon gets the start tonight. Given the size of Woodhead and Oliver it’s his job to take/throw away. I bet he takes it. As per Football Outsiders the Bolts are slotted into the 9 win spot. Stevie Johnson might finally be in his happy place qb-wise with Rivers. How he was able to squeeze out 3 thousand yard years in Buffalo will befuddle me for as long as I masturbate on this earth.

Phi. at G.B.: It’s Kiko Alonso Day today! Are you wearing your ceremonial cast? I was wrong about Bradford sucking last week. I’m counting on him sucking this week though. If he doesn’t, he’ll suck the first week of the season. Look, I’m trying to say that Bradford sucks. Kelly just exited his football lab and pronounced, “look out for my new ‘Laundry Basket Y minus 34 Headlight Potato Gratin Zee’ play. She’s a doozy!”.

Some Packer scribe screeched that their biggest weakness might be depth at the O-line. Oh, boo-hoo. If you’re that well off could you throw a safety in the direction of the Giants? Please? I won’t beg (for more than three hours) though.

Ind at StL: Despite being 0-2 I figger that Indy is going to go undefeatified in their division this year. And it’s not going to be much of an accomplishment. Hilton is going to be a beast this year. Mark this down. The Colts have a mere (sarcasm font needed) 38 missed tackles in only 2 games so far. Perhaps defenders will use both arms to take down opponents this evening.

Bring back Vince Ferragamo! Say a prayer for Foles-there’s quite a bit riding on his shoulders. Gurley should help a bit but I see nothing coming from the wr corps. The D looks good and they say that D wins in the playoffs you know. That doesn’t much apply here however.

SF at Den: I’m sure we’ve all seen a friend headed down the wrong path and were helpless to prevent it from happening. That’s the aura that the 2015 49ers give off. Folks that have left the yard include Willis, Borland, Ventrone, Smith, Gore, Iupati, Culliver, Cox, Crabtree and Johnson. Wow.

A writer who attends daily Bronco practices says that Hillman is tearing the place up. Maybe C.J. is going to get squeezed. Certainly the Ghost of Mike Shanahan’s Tan thinks so. This same guy thinks Ball may not make the final squad as well. The Broncos have 12 sacks so far this preseason? Impressive.

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Cuntler

Oh shit. We have a draft tomorrow. I hope Jordy Nelson is still available when I pick!

Winnebago Warrior
Winnebago Warrior

I was hoping to pick up Kevin White as a sleeper in my Yahoo draft, but some idiot from Schaumburg picked him up in the third round.

ballsofsteelandfury

Late Night thread in 5…

Senor Weaselo

That was a completely derptastic ending.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

YAKETY SAX

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Beastmode Ate My Baby

60-yarder WOOOO

/too invested in a pre-season game

Senor Weaselo

Hey, it is a first-stringer making the kick.

Horatio Cornblower

Who was it? I want to move them up into the 3rd round of tomorrow’s draft!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

That’s worth 7 points in the insanity league.

Senor Weaselo

It was Hauschka after missing a 58-yarder.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hauschka!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Didn’t trust him to throw a pass up by 13 with less than 2:00 left.

WHAT AN ASSET

http://static3.businessinsider.com/image/5106b950eab8eac229000007/tebow-helmet-pass.gif

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

TWOMINUTEWARNINGKKAKE

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

DOWN TO THE WIRE IN SAN DIEGO

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

MOAR

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

GB crew TOUGH on the Teebs–glorious.

Shogun Marcus

And jebus is off the field. Very Christian of him, nearly giving the ball back on a fumble. If only he had made one into many.

Senor Weaselo

You’d think the fans would crucify him for such an action.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

TEBUMBLE

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

TEEEEEEEEEEEEBBBBBOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Shogun Marcus

Oh jebus. No really, jebus is on the field.
…and now to mute the tv.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

RZ crew is from GB–called Teebus out on his miserable 47.9% career completion percentage.

King Hippo

47.9% against mostly 8 and (cough, cough, Dick LeBeau) 9-man fronts.

That’s really fucking hard to do, if you’re even remotely qualified for the position.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

RZ informs me that all the starting QBs are done for the day.

King Hippo

“The Charger Girls Thank European Wax Center for Their Support”

Hee hee, thanks Jumbotron

Horatio Cornblower

Couldn’t afford the full Brazilian I guess. Thanks Obama!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I could of sworn he was half Kenyan…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Cutler went 13 for 17, 2 of those misses being drops, with 4 receivers out and a sieve at RT. Chicago post game team still blaming him for the offense not working. Meanwhile Forte averaged 2 yards a carry, nothing about him not even showing up or trying.

...

Same as it ever was.

King Hippo

By the time Catler left Denver, I logically knew that he was a perfectly good QB. But scratch beneath the surface, and I’m pretty sure I would have held him at least indirectly responsible for the Holocaust.

Not excusing the Chicagoan mouth breathers, but I do kinda understand the dark place they are coming from.

Senor Weaselo

Whoo, Jets win a trophy with Snoopy on it! It will be the only piece of hardware acquired this year, but we’ll take it, I guess.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Somebody just killed Jimmy Clausen.

makeitsnowondem

At last, he’s out of my misery.

King Hippo

Are emus an endangered species?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

If they are, the emu farmers down the road from me have been breaking federal conservation laws for years.

King Hippo

Well, shit. Now I wonder what fucking emu tastes like.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

It’s almost like a steak but super lean, so if you fuck it up you’ll have an easier time eating your shoes.

Cuntler

Chicken.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Are You There God? It’s me, Sill Bimmons.

The Bills/Steelers game today was quite an eye opener.

The Bills looked really good, and I am hoping that they are finally good enough to knock off the Patriots.

Please let them be finally good enough to knock off the Patriots.

Thanks in advance!

PS–still waiting on my pony.

ballsofsteelandfury

Now I know why you’re an atheist.

Horatio Cornblower

I see the Cowboys lost 28-14. I’d be concerned if I’d watched it or thought preseason football meant dick.

...

As long as Romo didn’t get dismembered, you’re fine.

We need to save that for the regular season.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Romo wasn’t dismembered in a day.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Offensive ASS interference on the Chargers.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

NaVarro Bowman: good at football.

Shogun Marcus

ALL TEH FRAGS FOR TEH FRAG GODS!!!
These games will never end.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

It’s Turpin-time!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

wut

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Scene: the tail end of the free happy hour hour in an SF hotel. A middle aged Canadian computer programmer sat down with a British couple to finish up their drinks. The Canuck just quoted Bob Marley…and then said “Bob Marley” by way of attribution. I vomited.

/end scene

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

#OneOfTheBadOnes

blackroseMD1

Looks like Rivers’ hand is fine, thank the FSM.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Pass the Parmesan!