EPL Weekend Four and Fantasy Football Dumpster Diving

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times this past week as an Everton fan. The Toffees made a spirited effort, but conceded in the second half, and again late while going all out in attack to equalize, losing 2-nil at home to apparent League juggernaut Manchester City. The ghost of Ian Curtis must be right pleased. Then, adding insult to injury, John Stones handed in his transfer request (basically, a “trade demand”) before a mid-week Cup game against Barnsley – ironically, Stones’ former club.

Everton manager Roberto Martinez is a relentlessly positive guy. But down 2-0 at the half to League One Barnsley, he turned angry (even more so than as pictured). The team responded, winning 5-3 in extra time. Then, to the Murdoch-controlled British press’ great shock and dismay, Martinez stayed angry and let it be known that John Stones was not for sale, and that there were “some things money can’t buy – like values.” Everton’s Board backed Roberto up, and we shall see if this is the first step in the rest of the EPL standing up to bullying by the Sky Five and their lapdogs in the media. Perhaps there can be some real competitive football at the top after all.

Palace/Chelski is probably the best game in Saturday’s 10:00 window (USA), and Swans vs. Manure to close the weekend (Sun, 11:00, NBCSN) should be a real cracker). Spurs and Everton are on “big boy” NBC at 12:30 Saturday, with neither side likely to be in great form.

NOW FOR TEH FANTASY….

I am primarily an auction player, as I am really shitty at snake drafts. I don’t like being “value forced” into taking certain players, and I like being able to target who I like, being able to accumulate a glut of mid-range RBs and high-end WRs, etc. Inevitably, I end up needing to go to the well with dart tosses in the $1-$2 bid range, and hit at least a couple of times. As such, this is probably the only thing I have remotely approaching a “skill” in fantasy. As such, here are a smattering of such types that I would feel ok ending up with in a very deep draft/auction:

Jameis Winston – It’s not that I don’t think this guy’s shit – verily, I do. But this is FANTASY. He plays on a team with a bad defense (garbage time), will scramble, is big enough not to get hurt when he takes his likely pounding (cue rape joke), and his team has incentive not to bench him. He’ll produce enough to at least spot start/injury/bye week fill in. Plus, when you announce him (presumably, The Ben will be off the board), you can get chuckles by saying you are taking the best available rapist! NOTE: I think Kaepernick is too expensive for the purposes of this list, but if his value keeps sliding downward, he fits all these criteria, and is less shitty and rapey.

Derek Carr – Carr is an average at best QB, but I am big on Amani ToomerCooper, [ed. note Christ am I stupid, thanks Scotchy!] and I think the Raiders are the sleeper team of the AFC. To reach that sleeper potential, offense will have to lead the way. Even if I’m wrong, there will be garbage time opportunities available, and (see above) I don’t see a benching on the horizon. They will see what he’s got before the 2016 Draft.

Fred Jackson – Forever undead, bury him at your own peril. Shady is at the point in his career when the glue factory beckons. Bryce Brown is a fantasy cocktease of the highest magnitude.

Cameron Artis-Payne – He’s the only RB on the Panthers roster who isn’t made of paper mache and/or doesn’t make me want to vomit. Someone has to catch Cam’s dumpoff passes when he’s running for his life this season.

Juwan Thompson – If anything happens to CJ Anderson, this is the only back in Denver who can realistically carry a starter’s load without shitting himself. Also has goalline back potential. Montee Ball is a piece of monkeyshit.

Stedman Bailey – He’s fast, and you can make an Oprah joke!

Ted Ginn – I hated the Funchess pick the Panthers made, Philly Brown is shit, and Jerricho Cotchery has managed to be in the NFL as long as his high school and college teammate Philip Rivers, despite really only being good for like a 3-week span with the Jets (remember when you picked him up in fantasy, then he never did shit ever again?). Ginn will be a security blanket for Cam, who likes to throw the fly route (the only pattern Ginn can run).

Charles Clay – I read something or other about Rexy’s OC liking to use the fucking TE, and Clay is perfectly cromulent, if grossly overpaid.

Eric Ebron – With everyone after Gronk a giant, putrid question mark, going cheap at TE makes sense, and Ebron is an athletic freak. The Lions throw a shitton, and one of these days that really, truly does have to trickle down, right? RIGHT? Caveat emptor – Ebron went to U*NC, so he probably can’t read.

Nick Novak – I wanted to get to 10, and I have no idea why a guy who kicks in fucking San Diego would be outside the Top 20 on my Rotowire cheat sheet. I PAY FOR THIS ADVICE, ROTOWIRE. FIX YO’ SHIT!!