EPL Weekend Four and Fantasy Football Dumpster Diving

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times this past week as an Everton fan. The Toffees made a spirited effort, but conceded in the second half, and again late while going all out in attack to equalize, losing 2-nil at home to apparent League juggernaut Manchester City. The ghost of Ian Curtis must be right pleased. Then, adding insult to injury, John Stones handed in his transfer request (basically, a “trade demand”) before a mid-week Cup game against Barnsley – ironically, Stones’ former club.

Everton manager Roberto Martinez is a relentlessly positive guy. But down 2-0 at the half to League One Barnsley, he turned angry (even more so than as pictured). The team responded, winning 5-3 in extra time. Then, to the Murdoch-controlled British press’ great shock and dismay, Martinez stayed angry and let it be known that John Stones was not for sale, and that there were “some things money can’t buy – like values.” Everton’s Board backed Roberto up, and we shall see if this is the first step in the rest of the EPL standing up to bullying by the Sky Five and their lapdogs in the media. Perhaps there can be some real competitive football at the top after all.

Palace/Chelski is probably the best game in Saturday’s 10:00 window (USA), and Swans vs. Manure to close the weekend (Sun, 11:00, NBCSN) should be a real cracker). Spurs and Everton are on “big boy” NBC at 12:30 Saturday, with neither side likely to be in great form.

NOW FOR TEH FANTASY….

I am primarily an auction player, as I am really shitty at snake drafts. I don’t like being “value forced” into taking certain players, and I like being able to target who I like, being able to accumulate a glut of mid-range RBs and high-end WRs, etc. Inevitably, I end up needing to go to the well with dart tosses in the $1-$2 bid range, and hit at least a couple of times. As such, this is probably the only thing I have remotely approaching a “skill” in fantasy. As such, here are a smattering of such types that I would feel ok ending up with in a very deep draft/auction:

Jameis Winston – It’s not that I don’t think this guy’s shit – verily, I do. But this is FANTASY. He plays on a team with a bad defense (garbage time), will scramble, is big enough not to get hurt when he takes his likely pounding (cue rape joke), and his team has incentive not to bench him. He’ll produce enough to at least spot start/injury/bye week fill in. Plus, when you announce him (presumably, The Ben will be off the board), you can get chuckles by saying you are taking the best available rapist! NOTE: I think Kaepernick is too expensive for the purposes of this list, but if his value keeps sliding downward, he fits all these criteria, and is less shitty and rapey.

Derek Carr – Carr is an average at best QB, but I am big on Amani ToomerCooper, [ed. note Christ am I stupid, thanks Scotchy!] and I think the Raiders are the sleeper team of the AFC. To reach that sleeper potential, offense will have to lead the way. Even if I’m wrong, there will be garbage time opportunities available, and (see above) I don’t see a benching on the horizon. They will see what he’s got before the 2016 Draft.

Fred Jackson – Forever undead, bury him at your own peril. Shady is at the point in his career when the glue factory beckons. Bryce Brown is a fantasy cocktease of the highest magnitude.

Cameron Artis-Payne – He’s the only RB on the Panthers roster who isn’t made of paper mache and/or doesn’t make me want to vomit. Someone has to catch Cam’s dumpoff passes when he’s running for his life this season.

Juwan Thompson – If anything happens to CJ Anderson, this is the only back in Denver who can realistically carry a starter’s load without shitting himself. Also has goalline back potential. Montee Ball is a piece of monkeyshit.

Stedman Bailey – He’s fast, and you can make an Oprah joke!

Ted Ginn – I hated the Funchess pick the Panthers made, Philly Brown is shit, and Jerricho Cotchery has managed to be in the NFL as long as his high school and college teammate Philip Rivers, despite really only being good for like a 3-week span with the Jets (remember when you picked him up in fantasy, then he never did shit ever again?). Ginn will be a security blanket for Cam, who likes to throw the fly route (the only pattern Ginn can run).

Charles Clay – I read something or other about Rexy’s OC liking to use the fucking TE, and Clay is perfectly cromulent, if grossly overpaid.

Eric Ebron – With everyone after Gronk a giant, putrid question mark, going cheap at TE makes sense, and Ebron is an athletic freak. The Lions throw a shitton, and one of these days that really, truly does have to trickle down, right? RIGHT? Caveat emptor – Ebron went to U*NC, so he probably can’t read.

Nick Novak – I wanted to get to 10, and I have no idea why a guy who kicks in fucking San Diego would be outside the Top 20 on my Rotowire cheat sheet. I PAY FOR THIS ADVICE, ROTOWIRE. FIX YO’ SHIT!!

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Damn, Swans had some chances there.

Norwich down a man.

Did I miss anything last night, I think I passed out around 7

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Jesse Palmer’s douchiess is going to try part 34…

Fuck, I hate that these espn fuck-douches have essentially exclusive rights to broadcast college football.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

Is this where we go to live-blog the Travers Stakes?

Sill Bimmons

Nope.

Sill Bimmons

THE BIG HOUSE CONNECTION WOO

makeitsnowondem

Montana’s injury music is the theme from House of Cards. I don’t know what to say.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Yes, I’m here about the job opening with the water department.”

http://36.media.tumblr.com/58e5f1b248289b01f45800ea9ca7afed/tumblr_ntpb9nmvok1ubfgh6o1_500.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

The heart break of psoriasis transcends death.

Sill Bimmons

welp

Jesse Palmer is an unrepentant douche. Brent Musburger is an unrepentant pervert. I somewhat respect Brent.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Palmer doesn’t even have that “new fresh feeling” either.

ssi_bulldawg

Nice effort there from Everton. Great ball in and almost a beautiful finish. Too bad that’s about as close as Everton is going to get to 3 points from this match

ssi_bulldawg

The last 5 minutes have been much better. They still have no midfield. And, with this press forward, opens the chance for a counter from Spurs. I agree, a point in the road here would be a decent outcome with the mostly uninspired play

Everton seems disinclined to play defense for this engagement.

laserguru

On a happier note, you’ve arrived at the ballpark with plenty of cash in your wallet, what’s your go to food order as you walk up to the concession stand?
Mine varies from stadium to stadium but today I’m getting some beers, a grilled Dodger dog and some garlic fries. Maybe a bag of peanuts for later.
Ball game!

SonOfSpam

At Angels Stadium, I save my money for beer. Lots of beer. Usually wheat beer, since it’s summer all the time. But yeah, beer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At the baseball park; first thing is to go to the Sandlot for a beer; they are owned by Coors, but are left to there own brewing devices. Next to the one brat stand that has good “Polish” brats with onions and ‘kraut.

Football at Mile High; eat before I get there.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/5814e380643541f7c0db7b4da69b1454/tumblr_noto0xI7Al1qaqx8xo2_500.gif

Horatio Cornblower

I need a beer and sausage n’ peppers. And then 1-2 more beers.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://38.media.tumblr.com/c7c1230144d67a37467cdc23ec7b3cca/tumblr_np0j6xsDtn1u8c3rfo4_500.gif

A bit sore today; getting old is a bitch, but better than the alternative.

laserguru

I tell anybody who will listen that I can’t remember the last time I woke up and something didn’t hurt.
Mine are mostly the knees but I do get the occasional random “Oh what the fuck is that?” pain too, which is always joyful.
As you say truthfully it does beat the alternative.
I always wonder if a day might come when that might not necessarily be the truth. Alas that day is in the way down the road future.

Fuck it. I’m off to the gym.

ssi_bulldawg

Heal Spurs. Suck. Ass. My feet hurt like hell every morning after doing any athletic activity. I have orthotics, which have helped, but still give me problems. And I’m not even past the halfway point of my 30’s.

ssi_bulldawg

Mine won’t give me any good drugs. It’s always ‘stretch your Achilles’ tendon. If you medicate you won’t want to stretch.’ You know what, I’ll fucking stretch while woo’ed out on pills on my couch, thank you very much. Now help me find the silver lining to getting old and hook me up!

laserguru

Just you wait a couple more decades. It don’t get better.

53.

laserguru

I’ve had four (4) knee surgeries, one on the left and three on the right and there are days when it feels like I can’t get the right one to stay in place. This also means I can’t do my daily walk every day but I can ride a stationary bike and do some weights. Not to mention the osteoarthritis in the knees.

I drink out of self defense.

ssi_bulldawg

I’ve been very lucky with my knees. /gets up, walks to kitchen, tears ACL.
Ankles, feet, and shoulders (swam for 15 years) are another matter.

Cuntler

Just went for a short run the other day. So frustrating. Stupid knee.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That turned into an ailments session that my mom would be proud of.

Cuntler

Man, I loved KSK Bobby Big Wheel but Twitter BBW is an insufferable douche. So torn.

Sill Bimmons

Fighting cocks wear spurs.

Also, why are they named after someone offed in Henry IV, Part II

Sill Bimmons

Everything you ever wanted to know about Spurs:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tottenham_Hotspur_F.C.

Fuck Spurs.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Fuck spurs” sound like something that would have shown up in Se7en or Jigsaw.

Sill Bimmons

The Ha Ha Clinton-Dix of the EPL.

FUCK HA HA CLINTON-DIX

My brief watching of kids TV awaiting the 1230 game on NBC reinforces my intention of never procreating, or at least not legitimately.

laserguru

At least we have Vin Scully to announce the Dodgers for another year. He is a national fucking treasure.
Is LA folks have been spoiled listening to him call games our whole lives, not to mention those of us who listened to Chick Hearn call the Lakers games.
Damn glad to have you back Vinny. See you at the stadium tonight.

Sill Bimmons

Go Dodgers.

ballsofsteelandfury

LA folks have been lucky enough to listen to Vin Scully, Chick Hearn, and Bob Miller. All three are announcing Hall of Famers.

SonOfSpam

Preach. Hell, I even like the Mota/Gubicza team on Angels’ broadcasts.

But Ralph Lawlor is annoying as hell.

Sill Bimmons

Vin Scully is the best.

Don’t know nothin’ ’bout the basketing ball.

Sill Bimmons
Doktor Zymm

Good morning y’all! Why is pizza not considered a standard breakfast food when all of its components are?

Sill Bimmons

It’s not?

MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE

/kicks out chair

http://ih1.redbubble.net/image.13347493.3046/sticker,375×360.u2.png

ballsofsteelandfury

You put eggs on your pizza?

blordinaryfagicmox

The day hasn’t started until Ive had my face in a pile of what smelt of anchovies and felt of sausage.

Horatio Cornblower

8 minutes of injury time? Was there a stabbing in the Leicester match?

They’re from the UK, so I’d go with a glassing.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/2161288/begbie-pint-glass-o.gif

scotchnaut

Whoa. Brilliant team work from Palace on that 2nd goal.

Frenetic pace at Stamford Bridge right now.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, a Mexican is playing for Watford!

Also, he’s not helping much.

Sako, Sako, Gabo, Flacco, Jacko.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll take “Which of these players is elite” for $200 Alex.

Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.

Ow my balls!

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t know much about the Premier League but it looks to me like Manchester City is a lot better than Watford.

“Play offense? Wat ford?”

Horatio Cornblower

And Manchester City finally scores against Watford. That was…inevitable.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’d be interested in more information on the Anquan Boldin jersey. Does that cure herpes?

makeitsnowondem

Don’t know about the jerseys, but I once ate a Ray Lewis suit to increase my blood count.

Horatio Cornblower

Not surprsingly the Rex Grossman jersey is the cure for infertility.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Playing in Sill’s league this year will be my first ever foray into FF. Here’s what I’ve gathered over the years of hearing about it: some people spend inordinate amounts of time researching and planning their teams. Other people do basically no research and make a lot of random guesses. And in the end there is no perceptible difference in the average results of those two groups.

ballsofsteelandfury

You are pretty much right on. I will give you a bit of warning, though. You doing your first FF in Sill’s 20-team league is like having your first sexual experience at an orgy.

You will be confused and shocked by what you see, but will ultimately end up having good time.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Sexual? Experience? I’d like to try that sometime too.

Red card bitch, Newcastle down to 10.

scotchnaut

It’s not a Toomer! (it’s an Amari Cooper)

/I’ve gotten Fredex damn cheap for the last 4 years-he’s such a bargain relative to his production