Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Request Line: Names, Names, Names! – July 19, 2019
- Request Line: Eli’s Slumber Party Mixtape – Volume 8 (The Morning After) – July 12, 2019
- Request Line: Eli’s Slumber Party Mixtape – Volume 7 (Pillow Talk) – July 5, 2019
INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY
A pair of slick Hollywood producers are engaged in a spirited discussion.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: …I just don’t see it as being all that big of a deal.
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: That’s because you don’t have to deal with the fallout. I do!
RTD: They put this kind of stuff on broadcast television all the time!
DTZM: No, Rikki, they really don’t. And that’s not the point, anyhow.
Someone knocks loudly on the production office door.
DTZM: Well, he’s here. Let’s hash this out and put it to bed. We’re together on this, right?
RTD: Of course! When in the history of Hollywood has one studio executive stabbed another studio executive in the back?
— [door flies open] —
NDAMUKONG SUH: [steps into the office]
RTD: Ndama…Nadama…Endama…uh…Dom? Is it okay if I call you Dom?
DTZM: Like Vin Diesel’s character in Fast and the Furious!
RTD: Hmm…maybe that’s not an association we want to make here. Anyhow, have a seat.
NDAMUKONG SUH: [slumps into chair, refuses to make eye contact]
DTZM: Listen, [sounds it out carefully] Ndamukong, we were thrilled that you signed on to be a part of this production.
DTZM: And nobody is saying that the footage doesn’t look good.
RTD: It looks GREAT.
DTZM: And it’s not that we’re unprepared to deal with accidents on-set.
RTD: That’s why we have insurance.
DTZM: Ha ha, you sound like Matt Schaub’s wife! But yes, that’s right, that’s why we have insurance! It’s just…
RTD: The thing is…
DTZM: You see…
RTD: We just can’t have you going off-script like that.
NDAMUKONG SUH: Whatever, man.
DTZM: [irritated] Don’t forget, Ndamukong, a lot of NFL players were just BEGGING to be a part of this production. Do you have any idea how many players I had to turn away? You CAN be replaced.
RTD: Now now, let’s not let this get acrimonious. Dom, the reason we’re upset is that Toxic Waste Matt Schaub played an important part in the final shootout in the Spike factory.
DTZM: And now he’s dead.
RTD: So we’re going to have to rewrite the scene. We’re not saying that Schaub will be missed – I mean, his own family didn’t even notice he was gone until one of their credit cards was declined – it just makes everyone’s lives more complicated thanks to a situation that easily could have been avoided.
NDAMUKONG SUH: Can I ask you guys something?
RTD: Of course!
NDAMUKONG SUH: So this guy – this RQBOCOP – is supposed to be Peyton Manning, right?
RTD: Well, yes, but we don’t want to say so explicitly.
DTZM: We don’t want to hit the audience over the head with it. We’re trying to be subtle.
NDAMUKONG SUH: But why “RQBOCOP”? I mean, that’s not even something you can pronounce out loud. Peyton’s nickname is “The Sheriff”, why didn’t you call him CyberSheriff or something like that?
RTD: [stews for a minute, obviously realizes this would have been a good idea] That’s not the point.
NDAMUKONG SUH: And then the “I’d buy that for a dollar” guy, he’s not even in this at all? You know the character’s name is Bixby Snyder, right? You didn’t think to tie him in as related to Dan Snyder somehow? Like how Bixby would buy anything for a dollar, and his greedy evil twin Dan would SELL anything for a dollar? It’s like you guys didn’t even WATCH the original RoboCop.
RTD: We can’t just shoehorn things into the script, it has to fit in organically.
DTZM: This is RQBOCOP, not FanserviceCop.
NDAMUKONG SUH: And then this business with the helicopter at the end…it’s just a Sage Rosenfels or Josh McCown joke waiting to happen.
DTZM: Listen, Ndamukong, we didn’t hire you to rewrite the script, or to do any stunt driving, we just hired you to stand around and say your lines. And stomp on things. And to kick RQBOCOP right in the face so hard you knock his helmet off and then turn around and pretend like it was an accident. Can you do that?
NDAMUKONG SUH: I guess.
RTD: And no more running people over.
NDAMUKONG SUH: Fine, whatever.
RTD: Okay, I think we’re done. Good talk, Dom.
NDAMUKONG SUH: [glares at RTD as he gets up and leaves]
RTD: [after SUH is gone] Oh shit! I forgot about the reshoot of the opening montage! We need someone to run over that elderly woman!
DTZM: That’s okay, don’t worry about it. [presses button on intercom] Angela, do me a favor and get Donté Stallworth on the phone. I think we’ve got a job for him after all.