Intro: Interior shot of the Ragnar household

Mrs. Ragnar: Hiya Hon! Whatcha watchin’?

Ragnar: The Vikings game.

Mrs. Ragnar: The Vikings win over the Lions? You must have watched that 15 times by now.

Ragnar: They won without me. I can’t believe it. I thought I was part of the team mystique. I thought I brought the fear into the opposing team. I don’t know what I’m going to do without being there.

Mrs Ragnar: Oh hon, you’ll think of something!

Ragnar: Over twenty years I worked with this team. I thought I was valuable to them.

Mrs Ragnar: Well, asking for two million dollars over ten years seemed a little excessive.

Ragnar: But I’m famous! I’m a star! I am a part of this team! See!

Mrs Ragnar: But hon? You bought that on the internet.

Ragnar: So? It’s still true! I’m a star! They’ll fold on their demands. I know it. How can they open the new stadium next year without me leading the team onto the field to victory?

/cranks Led Zeppelin Immigrant Song!

Ragnar: They need me on that field. Just watch!

/runs outside to garage.

Mrs Ragnar: OH NO, Hon! Not again.

//sound of motorcycle revving from outside. Sound increases.

[door flies open]

Mrs Ragnar: We just had the carpet replaced from last time. Why do you keep bringing that motorcycle into the house?

Ragnar: I am fierce! I am the face of the Vikings! I am here to conquer!

/grabs skull of dead ancestor off of mantel. Pours mead inside the skull. Drinks from the skull.

Ragnar: SKOL!

Mrs Ragnar: I think you need to seriously consider the fact that they may move on without you. What if they wanted to go with a younger Ragnar?

Ragnar: Don’t even say that!

Mrs Ragnar: What if they, I don’t know, chose this handsome fellah instead?

Ragnar: They wouldn’t dare replace me with that pretty faced little pussyboy. They wouldn’t!

/grabs battle axe

//runs outside and decapitates neighbors chihuahua.

Mrs Ragnar: Hon, you really need to stop doing that. Those are the only neighbors we have left. What with you killing their pets and driving in their front doors on your motorcycle, it’s amazing that they haven’t left too.

Ragnar: Pillaging makes Ragnar hungry! Is there any raw moose left?

Mrs Ragnar: Nope, you finished the moose yesterday. There are some Lunchables though.

Ragnar: Ooh Really!?!

/runs to kitchen

Mrs Ragnar: If you want to stay with the team have you considered a different tactic? You know a lot of teams are trying to draw in a younger audience?

Ragnar: What are you saying?

Mrs Ragnar: I’m just suggesting maybe a different look. You know? For the kids?

Ragnar: A furry? A fucking furry?!? You want Ragnar to be a goddamn furry?

Mrs Ragnar: Don’t get mad, hon. It’s just a suggestion. If you want to keep pretending you are a Viking you really need to consider all options. You may even be forced to get a, you know, real job!

Ragnar: This is not the same woman I married. How dare you?!

Mrs Ragnar: I’m only trying to help here, Hon. Just giving you some additional options. I know being a Viking is important to you but you have to prepare for the possibility that you won’t be back as the team mascot. Also being a Viking doesn’t give you a whole lot of career options. Why don’t you have some more mead, sit down and relax. Here’s the morning paper.

Ragnar: grumbles, drinks mead and reads the cartoons

/1 hour later.

Ragnar: spits out mead “Holy shit! Look at this Hon!”

/gives comics to wife

Mrs Ragnar: Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?

Ragnar: This is it! This is my true call to fame! Maybe this all happened for a reason! I’m going to be the biggest star this town has ever seen!

Mrs Ragnar: Oh hon! What a wonderful idea!

Six months later:

Ragnar: Look at me now world! Just look at me now!

fin.

Author’s note. Primary image courtesy of Ragnar’s official Facebook page via Deadspin.