PED-209: UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY. UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY. YOU ARE ORDERED TO VACATE THESE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. YOU HAVE TWENTY-FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY.

RQBOCOP: THIS IS A VALUABLE OPPORTUNITY TO DEMONSTRATE CLOCK MANAGEMENT SKILLS TO THE RQBOCOP JUNIOR G-MAN MODEL. [waits patiently as time ticks off the countdown]

PED-209: [as countdown expires] YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF SECTION THIRTY. I AM NOW AUTHORIZED TO USE PHYSICAL FORCE.

PED-209 tucks its arms and launches self at RQBOCOP like a missile. RQBOCOP steps aside and PED-209 crashes headfirst into a cement wall.

RQBOCOP: YOU APPEAR TO HAVE SUFFERED HEAD TRAUMA. ENGAGING CONCUSSION PROTOCOL, VERSION ROMEO GOLF THREE POINT ZERO. NO CONCUSSION DETECTED. YOU’RE GOOD TO GO SON GET BACK ON THE FIELD.

PED-209 shudders and sparks fly out of its carapace before it lies still. RQBOCOP enters the elevator and takes it to the top floor. He emerges into a boardroom that houses a gigantic conference table. A high-backed chair at the head of the table is turned around facing the window, concealing its occupant. Seated around the rest of the table are sophisticated-looking businessmen and women. TOM CONDON – RQBOCOP’s agent – rises from his chair in surprise.

TOM CONDON: P_____! We were just working out the last few details of your endorsement deals for 2016.

RQBOCOP: HELLO TOM IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN HOW ARE THE CHILDREN?

TOM CONDON: They’re fine, P_____, but I thought you hated these meetings. What are you doing here?

RQBOCOP: I HAVE DISCOVERED A PROBLEM WITH OUR SLATE OF PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS.

ST VINCENT’S HOSPITAL REPRESENTATIVE: Is this about E__? We already told you, we’re a children’s hospital. We simply can’t afford his fee on top of yours.

RQBOCOP: THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT THOUGH I REALLY WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD HAVE BUMBO THE CLOWN GIVE E__ A CALL ON SKYPE BECAUSE HE IS STILL VERY UPSET ABOUT BLOWING THAT GAME AGAINST THE COWBOYS. THE REASON FOR MY VISIT IS THAT I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT MANY OF THE PRODUCTS THAT I ENDORSE ARE BEING USED TO EXPOSE THOUSANDS OF UNWITTING HUMANS TO ILLEGAL DRUGS.

TOM CONDON: No, no, P_____, we already talked about that. I know it was a lot of drugs – I mean, like, a LOT of drugs – but those were for Jim’s personal use.

RQBOCOP: THESE ARE DIFFERENT DRUGS THAN THE ONES MR. IRSAY WAS TAKING. IT IS A NEW PRODUCT CALLED SPIKE. IT CAUSES A EUPHORIA SIMILAR TO THE FEELING OF HAVING YOUR FAVORITE FOOTBALL TEAM WIN AN IMPORTANT GAME.

NIKE REPRESENTATIVE: [dawning realization] So THAT is why we’re having that mental illness epidemic here in Detroit!

RQBOCOP: THAT IS CORRECT THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE IS DRIVING MANY RESIDENTS INSANE.

GATORADE REPRESENTATIVE: And it explains the riots in Oakland.

RQBOCOP: NO THAT WAS BECAUSE THE RAIDERS HAVE ACTUALLY WON TWO GAMES IN A ROW.

REPRESENTATIVE: Does it have anything to do with the crime wave in Baltimore?

RQBOCOP: AGAIN NO THE CRIME RATE IN BALTIMORE IS UNCHANGED THAT IS ACTUALLY THE NORMAL STATE OF AFFAIRS IN THAT PARTICULAR CITY. [to TOM] THEY HAVE BEEN USING OUR NETWORK OF SPONSORSHIPS TO DISTRIBUTE THE DRUG. MICROCAPSULES EMBEDDED IN THE PIZZA. AN AQUEOUS SUSPENSION DISSOLVED IN THE GATORADE. AN AEROSOLIZED VERSION IN AUTOMOBILES.

NATIONWIDE REPRESENTATIVE: … ♫ Nothing beats that new car smell… ♫

BUICK REPRESENTATIVE: It’s true, our customers love it.

PAPA JOHN: This is preposterous, we don’t put drugs in our pizzas! We only use the finest ingredients. Heirloom tomatoes. Herrera olives. Top quality pork sausage.

RQBOCOP: BY WHICH YOU ARE REFERRING TO THE PIG TESTICLES?

PAPA JOHN: Yes, TOP QUALITY pig testicles.

TOM CONDON: These are serious charges, P_____. What is your evidence?

RQBOCOP: [plays recording]

VOICE OF ROGER GOODELL: I had to fine Bob Kraft because he made a mistake. Now it’s time to erase that mistake…

RQBOCOP: MY APOLOGIES THAT WAS THE INCORRECT RECORDING.  [plays different recording]

FRIGHTENED VOICE: You killed Lil’ Sweezy.  And Night Train…

OMINOUS VOICE: That’s right, I did.

FRIGHTENED VOICE: That was business…but Pastor Jefferson?  He was just trying to help his community!

OMINOUS VOICE: I told him what would happen if he tried to disrupt my supply chain.  He didn’t think I’d do it, none of his followers thought I’d do it. Even my dad didn’t understand — he said, ‘You’re going to be arrested.’ I told him, ‘You don’t understand, this is good for my brand.’  But enough of this – I’m late for a party at the Playboy mansion.  Any last words for your friends at the DEA?

On the recording, the first voice begs for mercy, followed by a series of gunshots. The recording ends, and the occupants of the boardroom are visibly stunned. After a moment, the silence in the boardroom is broken by a series of slow claps from the head chair, which slowly swivels around.

DARREN ROVELL: Very impressive, P_____.

RQBOCOP: Darren Rovell, you are under…[falters]…under…

DARREN ROVELL: [mocking] What’s wrong, P_____? Is something interfering with your ability to arrest me?

From RQBOCOP’s point of view, we see Rovell stand up from his chair. Superimposed over his smug face is the flashing text “DIRECTIVE 4”. RQBOCOP attempts to point his weapon at Rovell, but it tumbles from his hand and Rovell picks it up triumphantly.

DARREN ROVELL: You see, P_____, when we reprogrammed you in 2011, I made sure they included a proper protocol for dealing with your endorsements. Why don’t you tell the nice people here about “Directive 4”?

RQBOCOP: [reciting] DIRECTIVE 4: RQBOCOP MAY NOT INJURE A BRAND HE HAS ENDORSED, NOR MAY HE, THROUGH INACTION, ALLOW A BRAND HE HAS ENDORSED TO COME TO HARM. THIS DIRECTIVE SUPERSEDES ALL OTHER DIRECTIVES.

DARREN ROVELL: I’d say that arresting a senior ESPN reporter for masterminding a massive drug distribution conspiracy would definitely qualify as “harm”, wouldn’t you? So thank you for doing that little spot for SportsCenter – once you signed on for that, I knew you wouldn’t be able to touch me. It was a clever plan, and it worked to perfection. Diabolical. Some might even call it…Rovellian.

GATORADE REPRESENTATIVE: Jesus CHRIST enough with the self-promotion, you pompous little shit.

NATIONWIDE REPRESENTATIVE: … ♫ Honestly give it a rest… ♫

TOM CONDON: All those innocent fans…they trusted you, Darren!  WE trusted you!

DARREN ROVELL: [sneers] If people are going to dislike me for exposing thousands of rubes to addictive and potentially hazardous drugs, that’s ridiculous. You think I wanted to use drugs? Nationwide, Buick, DirectTV…we needed to build those brands. And nothing builds brands better and faster than letting ordinary people derive a misplaced sense of accomplishment from an arbitrary association between themselves and a professional athlete who wins the big games. The important games. Sure, P_____ won some games in the regular season. But when it came down to the playoffs – the games that people really cared about – he ALWAYS shit the bed sooner or later. So I had to create that winning feeling synthetically.

TOM CONDON: But…the Play 60 initiative! You’ve been pushing these products on innocent children!

DARREN ROVELL: If you’re a dealer today and you don’t understand the importance of strategic brand management and formative client acquisition, then you’re a bad dealer. You will lose at the streetcorner every single time.

DIRECTV REPRESENTATIVE: [just arriving to boardroom] Hey guys, sorry I…[sees guns]…oh. Maybe we should reschedule for between 8 a.m. and noon tomorrow?

MARSHAWN LYNCH: [seizes interruption]  Fuckin’ reporters, man… [pulls handgun from under his seat, slides it across the table to RQBOCOP]

RQBOCOP picks up the weapon, but does not point it at Rovell. “DIRECTIVE 4” continues to flash in his vision.

RQBOCOP: I CANNOT ACT AGAINST A BRAND I ENDORSE.

DARREN ROVELL: [grabs TOM CONDON and puts the gun to his head] I want a chopper. Now! An Augusta-Westland – they make the finest luxury helicopters in the world. [hurriedly issues a tweet in praise of #Augusta-Westland]. We will walk to the roof, very calmly. I will board the chopper with my hostage. Anybody tries to stop me? The old geezer gets it…

TOM CONDON: Rovell, you lowlife corporate shill…we’re DROPPING ESPN AS A CLIENT. [elbows ROVELL in the gut and spins away]

RQBOCOP: THANK YOU.

The flashing “DIRECTIVE 4” fizzles and disappears. RQBOCOP raises the gun and shoots Rovell in the chest. Rovell crashes backwards through a window.

ROVELL: [calmly, while falling] Say what you will about how all this broken glass has shredded my skin, but you’ve got to admit that it’s great exposure for Lucid Crystal Indust…[is impaled on flagpole, dies]

TOM CONDON: [straightens tie] Nice shootin, son. What do you say we look into an endorsement deal with Smith and Wesson?

RQBOCOP: THAT WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF MONEY I WILL ENDORSE LITERALLY ANYTHING.

[fin]

/Special thanks to Mike Wallace & Gromit for the spectacular PED-209 photoshop job.