Phase Two-Your Early Afternoon Game Thread

“Having relieved itself, the American Football Fan then proceeds to its kitchen. Despite having gorged itself the previous evening on the wings and legs of its favourite prey, the North American Caged Chicken, it peers into its fridge looking for more sustenance. Despite many food choices it decides upon a mind-altering substance called ‘microbrewery beer’. Suddenly, its rudimentary brain tells the nostrils to sniff the air. Having not identified anything unusual yet knowing that ‘something’ is amiss, the brain tells the legs to go to the TV.  Having turned on the device the AFF finally understands that football is on. Not being able to process more than a few things at a time, the AFF looks down at its hands and realizes it has a beer there. It drinks.” [to be continued]

NYG @ Buf: McCoy and Watkins are probably out. But backup Karlos Williams is Ok at RB and Harvin will get more looks so not that big a deal against a Giant D that can’t stop in the name of love. Cruz’ oh-so-mysterious calf injury is acting up again. Hey Victor, guess who’s going to have to take a massive paycut in order to stay with the team next year? Given his condition the Giants are taking a look at Wes “Please, no loud noises” Welker. I’d like to think this will be a good game with the Giants coming out on top but I like to think about a lot of things. Fear not Giants fans, JPP reports for duty soon! As of June 30th this would not have been a sarcastic statement.

Jax @ Indy: Too bad Luck is out-he’s got the Jags number. The last six games the Colts have been up 107-15 going into the second half. Colts D is less than solid so I can see this being a bit closer than anyone outside of Florida would want it. Bortles and Robinson wouldn’t be bad options if you have some fellas on bye. All in all we should see scores from Moncrief and Hilton and then a heavy dose of Gore as the Colts get to .500.

Car @ TB: The Hamster is listed as questionable but should show his wheels today. Bear escapee Allen makes his debut today-I imagine he feels reinvigorated and that should add up to some short term production, say a sack or two? As for Tampa, an inexperienced QB and a D that gave up 413 yards of offence to a depleted Texans squad adds up to a big “Uh-Oh”.

Phi @ Was: The Eagles have the best run D in the league which is a bit surprising. I feel a bit (not a lot) sorry for Bradford, as the new guy in town he has a shit-ton of eyes on him and he’s struggled picking up the O, that much is obvious. What’s less obvious is that he has been the victim of the most drops so far (11) but no one notices that sort of thing. There are ill winds swirling ’round Washington and it’s not of the Slurs own making for once. If that damn foreigner Joaquin asserts himself there’s talk of the game being regurgitated later on in the year.

Oak @ Chi: I’ll be checking in on this game to see if each team is as bad/good in its own way. The Raiders look to match last year’s win total in week 4-mediocre teams love that last place schedule, don’t they? Although no one (aside from a Bears fan) could have dreamed things would have gone so badly south for Chicago there’s talk of relocating them to Mexico City. Cooper’s looking like his nickname should be Coca-Cola because he’s the real thing so far and he should have his way with DB’s Fuller and Ball.

Hou @ Atl: Barring a pre-game setback Foster should make an appearance here. The Falcon O is purring along now that Freeman has asserted himself in the running game although Watt, Clowney, Crick, Wilfork and Cushing represent a whole ‘nother kettle of rhinos. Ryan just has to get the ball to Julio who is reminding me more and more of 2011-2013 Megatron.

KC @ Cin: Cincy is rolling-the O looks great and the D is opportunistic. AJ asserted himself last week to a career high and a game-winning score. Meanwhile, Reid has all the talent in the world and does the most obvious shit with it yet again. There’s the first down run by JC, the second down slant or dump-off to Kelce which puts them in a third and longish spot. At this point the opposing D pins its ears back, blitzes and Smith doesn’t have time for a play to develop so he throws the short pass again. Add to that safeties playing closer to the line of scrimmage against the Chiefs than against any other team in the league and you’ve got only so many things Smith can do. Guess which spaghetti-armed QB has the lousiest (5 for 30) 3rd down conversion rate so far?

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New Game: Guess how the President, VP, Speaker of the House of Representatives and President pro tempore of the Senate die/suffer incapacity for Tea Leoni to assume office.

John Difool

A ménage-a’- quad gone wrong?

Downfield Matriculator

Alien abduction, then her ex-husband (IRL) can head up the investigation. I want to believe!

Bugg

Is Edward Norton so broke he needs this Draft Kings voiceover $?

Lothar of the Hill People

Jebus Fucking Crackers. Just when I think the Bears aren’t going to be a tire fire today, they derp and give something nice to the Raiders

Col. Duke LaCross

When it comes to the Bears I always assume the worst. That way when something not shitty happens I’m pleasantly surprised.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Zymm is kicking my ass in our league this week because I prioritized Steve Smiff over Freeman on the waiver wire and didn’t set up a secondary waiver wire claim if my first one went through. Losing this way hurts. Maybe Cobb will get 4 TDs and save me again.

Doktor Zymm

😀

litre_cola

Toby the 17 year old from Desmoines is a worthy adversary

Smithchez

Sassy ref ain’t having none of your overturning shit.

Dick E. Phuck

How come there are no shots of RGIII pouting on the sidelines?

Doktor Zymm

He’s up in a box, eating cheese cubes.

Downfield Matriculator

No more $5 footlongs?

litre_cola

Jared gets them for free now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

To address an earlier discussion; Madame Secretary could also be delusional.

http://izquotes.com/quotes-pictures/quote-as-of-now-i-am-in-control-here-in-the-white-house-alexander-haig-77618.jpg

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, and Haig was ridiculed for that (and rightly so) power-hungry, unconstitutional mouth fart.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pretty sure he knew the line of succession and was try to calm people the fuck down, but he went about it in a completely idiotic way. Apparently the cabinet was “WTF, dude?!?!”

John Difool

There was an HBO movie from the early nineties called By Dawn’s Early Ligjt where the secretary of the interior became president and he was played by Darren McGavin from A Christmas Story.

The movie was quite good actually and you can watch it on YouTube in it’s entirety.

Downfield Matriculator

Did the Bumpas’ dogs show up in the Oval Office and eat his turkey?

Sharkbait

Forgot about him. Constitution-How does it work!

Doktor Zymm

LOLCOUSINSDOWN

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mr. Lol Cousins; please go to the white paging telephone.

Doktor Zymm

Sometimes, when an announcer talks about someone being interfered with, I remember that was the Victorian term for rape, and there’s a moment of oddness in my brain.

Lothar of the Hill People

I remember an English teacher of mine awkwardly explaining that during the Victorian era, “smooch” was a euphemism for female masturbation, and how she has a hard time whenever people use the word in the present day just meaning a brief kiss.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, that one seems a bit harder to reconcile.

Col. Duke LaCross

And then Foster gets stripped by his own right tackle.

Gratliff

Holy shit, Houston. Do you even care?

John Difool

STOP GIVING ME HOPE [*Redacted] S…..JUST STOP IT !

Doktor Zymm

Never hope. Just remember how many times you’ve seen them fuck off a four score lead in the second half.

bourb0nblues

Oh, Bills.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

This train noise in Buffalo is almost as shitty as DraftKings ads. Almost.

litre_cola

My pug is on the deck staring at the bbq. It has been 10 minutes now hasnt broken his staring contest. Is this some magical device that is the giver of meat?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blackroseMD1

Man, can you imagine how good Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson would be if Tampa Bay had something other than a potted plant playing QB the last couple of years?

Pictured: Josh McCown and/or Jameis Winston

http://cdn.c.photoshelter.com/img-get/I0000H.767oxEkTg/s/600/600/OB10629.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So it sounds like I’m not the only one who’s sporting a hangover today.

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

Hangovering is arguably the sport I’m best it, I come from a long line of veteran hangoverers- hell you could say it’s in my blood.

litre_cola

Thought I got up without one, I was wrong.

blackroseMD1

I thought I had 5 beers last night, apparently my body thinks I had 10. Stupid body.

litre_cola

It is mad at you because you didn’t

Doktor Zymm

THIS BEARS DEFENSE I CALL IT JULIAN ASSANGE BECAUSE IT’S FULL OF LEAKS

litre_cola

Best of the day thus far.

Charge of the Light Brigade

The score might not be the best, offense is looking like shit, but I don’t have to listen to Cris Collinsworth, Simms, or Dilfer. So not the worst Sunday.

Lothar of the Hill People

So on “Madam Secretary,” apparently the Secretary of State is getting sworn in as President. You know how many people have to die before the Secretary of State gets the office?

After the President, the VP, the Speaker, and the President pro tem of the Senate, then it’s the Secretary of State. So that means 3 people other than the President have to be incapacitated or dead. Given the security, that’s thoroughly in the realm of science fiction now.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Yeah, we already discussed this during the early game. Shame on you for not showing up for the early London game

Lothar of the Hill People

Fuck you, I was doing laundry.

Fuck me, I was doing laundry.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe they were all at a state dinner and got poisoned? That would actually be kind of cool, from a story perspective.

Doktor Zymm

Or Legionnaire’s disease in the vents of the Capitol building, but the Secretary was out of the country.

Lothar of the Hill People

Legionnaire’s doesn’t move that fast.

I like food poisoning. Very Airplane-esque.

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

YOU’RE in the realm of science fiction, “Lothar” of the “Hill People”. HYPOCRITE

Gratliff

When did PFT Commenter start doing fact-based analysis?

PFTCommenter ‏@PFTCommenter 52s53 seconds ago
Bradford looking uncomfortble in a offense that requires him to play football

Moonbatting Average

Good Afternoon, Y’all. Can derp cure a hangover? We’re about to find out!

nippopotamus

Somewhere in his mountain lair that is modeled after an Acela quiet car and smells of triple nutmeg hazelnut mocha cappuccinos, Peter King sniggers at Josh Brown’s missed PAT. Fuck Peter King

John Difool

He’s still standing on a train platform in Jersey wondering why none of the AMTRAK’s say “London”

Doktor Zymm

So….I should take cherry tomatoes, and use a syringe to remove the seeds and liquidy bits, then replace those bits with vodka, and call it a bloody cherry, right?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Sounds like way too much work. Just drink the vodka. Also stop kicking my ass in FF.

Doktor Zymm

NEVER!

Also, holy crap, Atlanta.

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, Crabtree’s ankle is fucked.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The announcers were like “Let’s see if we can figure out when this happened” and I yelled at the TV “probably when that guy rolled on his ankle and he started screaming in pain!”

Lothar of the Hill People

He did his very similar to how I got mine fucked up. I wince any time I see a guy get rolled up like that, especially when the cleats are still stuck in the turf.

The doc told me the excruciating pain I felt when my ankle got fucked was the tibia and talus grinding together, grinding away the cartilage.

Doktor Zymm

Oh holy hell, how damn hard is it to figure out how to DO YOUR STUPID JOBS, REFS!?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am getting an ad for a drug called Movantic that is supposed to help with constipation and features a woman carrying around an overstuffed suitcase (presumably full of feces). I want to buy this product on general principle alone.

Lothar of the Hill People

Move-antic?

I think Krapurpanz would be a better name.

bourb0nblues

DOINK

litre_cola

Gf just left for the gym, hangover kicking in. Its BC bud o’clock.

Doktor Zymm

The [*Redacted] s have quietly had a good defense this year. I dig it.

blackroseMD1

Crab legs showing some escapability, and then derping into intentional grounding.

Yep, you made the right draft pick there, Tampa.

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS it was amateur hour on SEPTA regional today. Between the Phils’ last game and the Polish Day Parade there were babies, children, really old people, people talking way too loud, WOAHLOOGIDATers, people trying to pay onboard with credit, people trying to pay with $100s, et fucking cetera.

30th Street? Dead.

See you in Trenton.

Sharkbait

You know shits bad when people are going TO New Jersey

Sill Bimmons

The amateurs are going further into Philly.

I’M going to Jersey.

Where I live.

Dickface.

Gratliff

So Houston’s kind of terrible these days, eh?

Smithchez

Jesus tapdancing christ, Texans.

Doktor Zymm

Man, that should have been a sack, but 4th and 7 is okay too.

Mother Puncher

I think this is the first time I’ve ever woken up hungover from a wedding but not felt embarrassed about something I did the night before.

Bugg

Awaiting the inevitable shitstorm of incompetence that is any Rex Ryan offense.

Doktor Zymm

Yep, didn’t start DeMarco so he’s gonna have an awesome game.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have had this gif open for 2 hours. It was for something that happened in the early game originally but I missed my window where it was relevant. You get it for no reason now

http://www.digital-polyphony.com/tumblr_mcn12dvRdJ1qevwryo1_400.gif

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

litre_cola

Good day Pittsburger. mmm burger.

bourb0nblues

yo

Sill Bimmons

sup

litre_cola

Anyone in this room?

Dick E. Phuck

Gritty UCONN slot receiver.

John Difool

Dallas Demarco decided to show up for this game.

Sharkbait

Giants gon’ Giants.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hello?

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