“Having relieved itself, the American Football Fan then proceeds to its kitchen. Despite having gorged itself the previous evening on the wings and legs of its favourite prey, the North American Caged Chicken, it peers into its fridge looking for more sustenance. Despite many food choices it decides upon a mind-altering substance called ‘microbrewery beer’. Suddenly, its rudimentary brain tells the nostrils to sniff the air. Having not identified anything unusual yet knowing that ‘something’ is amiss, the brain tells the legs to go to the TV. Having turned on the device the AFF finally understands that football is on. Not being able to process more than a few things at a time, the AFF looks down at its hands and realizes it has a beer there. It drinks.” [to be continued]
NYG @ Buf: McCoy and Watkins are probably out. But backup Karlos Williams is Ok at RB and Harvin will get more looks so not that big a deal against a Giant D that can’t stop in the name of love. Cruz’ oh-so-mysterious calf injury is acting up again. Hey Victor, guess who’s going to have to take a massive paycut in order to stay with the team next year? Given his condition the Giants are taking a look at Wes “Please, no loud noises” Welker. I’d like to think this will be a good game with the Giants coming out on top but I like to think about a lot of things. Fear not Giants fans, JPP reports for duty soon! As of June 30th this would not have been a sarcastic statement.
Jax @ Indy: Too bad Luck is out-he’s got the Jags number. The last six games the Colts have been up 107-15 going into the second half. Colts D is less than solid so I can see this being a bit closer than anyone outside of Florida would want it. Bortles and Robinson wouldn’t be bad options if you have some fellas on bye. All in all we should see scores from Moncrief and Hilton and then a heavy dose of Gore as the Colts get to .500.
Car @ TB: The Hamster is listed as questionable but should show his wheels today. Bear escapee Allen makes his debut today-I imagine he feels reinvigorated and that should add up to some short term production, say a sack or two? As for Tampa, an inexperienced QB and a D that gave up 413 yards of offence to a depleted Texans squad adds up to a big “Uh-Oh”.
Phi @ Was: The Eagles have the best run D in the league which is a bit surprising. I feel a bit (not a lot) sorry for Bradford, as the new guy in town he has a shit-ton of eyes on him and he’s struggled picking up the O, that much is obvious. What’s less obvious is that he has been the victim of the most drops so far (11) but no one notices that sort of thing. There are ill winds swirling ’round Washington and it’s not of the Slurs own making for once. If that damn foreigner Joaquin asserts himself there’s talk of the game being regurgitated later on in the year.
Oak @ Chi: I’ll be checking in on this game to see if each team is as bad/good in its own way. The Raiders look to match last year’s win total in week 4-mediocre teams love that last place schedule, don’t they? Although no one (aside from a Bears fan) could have dreamed things would have gone so badly south for Chicago there’s talk of relocating them to Mexico City. Cooper’s looking like his nickname should be Coca-Cola because he’s the real thing so far and he should have his way with DB’s Fuller and Ball.
Hou @ Atl: Barring a pre-game setback Foster should make an appearance here. The Falcon O is purring along now that Freeman has asserted himself in the running game although Watt, Clowney, Crick, Wilfork and Cushing represent a whole ‘nother kettle of rhinos. Ryan just has to get the ball to Julio who is reminding me more and more of 2011-2013 Megatron.
KC @ Cin: Cincy is rolling-the O looks great and the D is opportunistic. AJ asserted himself last week to a career high and a game-winning score. Meanwhile, Reid has all the talent in the world and does the most obvious shit with it yet again. There’s the first down run by JC, the second down slant or dump-off to Kelce which puts them in a third and longish spot. At this point the opposing D pins its ears back, blitzes and Smith doesn’t have time for a play to develop so he throws the short pass again. Add to that safeties playing closer to the line of scrimmage against the Chiefs than against any other team in the league and you’ve got only so many things Smith can do. Guess which spaghetti-armed QB has the lousiest (5 for 30) 3rd down conversion rate so far?
“Who expected anything less in an NFC East battle”
Um…everyone?
It is a good game though. WEIRDLY WEIRD WEIRD.
Oh man, the Giants play calling on offense is truly something to behold.
Oh Jaguras.
Bortles?
Decided to try and pick up a ball the Colts attempted to down at the 1 and fumbled. Apparently it’s not a fumble by rule though for some reason.
It’s actually a smart play. This happens every few weeks, and the announcers freak out about it.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH TV, OCTOBER DOES NOT MEAN BASED BALL
Yeah! Everyone knows October is football pretending to care about breast cancer.
NFL: “Do it for the tiddes….”
ELI MAD! ELI WANT TIMEOUT! ELI DRAW ON WALL WHEN DAD SAID NOT TO ELI DO IT ANYWAY!
The Humps are losing to the Jags…at home…with their backup starting….and this is easily the best they have played all year.
Can Mike Evans just move under center and start throwing himself the ball?
Jameis’ thought process:
http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/21100000/Edd-gifs-double-d-ed-edd-n-eddy-21123765-320-240.gif
Harris is taking a shit-kicking.
Oh, I HAVE to love Malcom Jenkins? I don’t think so.
But there are players in the NFL that you do HAVE to love. Jameis Winston, Darren Sharper…
Are the Raiders, like…good?
No. The Bears almost make them look like they are.
I think and “ish” qualifier is needed.
Lose enough games, and you’ll eventually find a franchise player or two.
Not yet, but they are approaching competency.
So the 11 AM UK-style weather (51 degrees, overcast, threats of rain) has moved on, and Iam now presented with an absolutely gorgeous fall day, that I am ignoring in favor of booze, social media, and what laughingly passes for “football” in 2015.
I was very productive this morning, but damn, I wish I had gone to the Skins bar to watch this game.
“Skins bar” sounds like somewhere you go to watch something other than games.
Cousins is 18 for 23. What in the actual fuck?
Iggles stuff.
Welp, this is what it is, innit?
http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-01/enhanced/webdr02/3/14/anigif_enhanced-buzz-8751-1388777223-4.gif
The minions crack me the fuck up, and for some reason, this one kills me more than most.
I’ll just leave this here.
That is some Fek/Moose-level shit, Redshirt.
Sergio Pablos would like to remind you that the Minions were NOT his idea.
Take your guesses now on how the Giants piss this game away!
FREEDOM!
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03333/Shawshank_3333761b.jpg
Every once in a fart-moon the Giants D comes to play.
THRILL! as Andy Reid calls timeout to consider a tight end screen on 3rd and 2!
CHILL! as Marvin Lewis calls timeout to consider punting on 4th and inches on Kansas City’s 30!
SILL! punches an infant as Andy Dalton somehow completes a 45-yard bomb!
SPILL! my drink laughing.
JESUS CHRIST FUCKING THE FRENCH,WHY GARCON?
Wait…is Dalton good now? Like, for real?
Just wait until Round 1 of the playoffs, and the real Andy Dalton will be revealed.
Kick-Returner-Actually-Playing-His-Position-Down!
COUSINS DID A GOOD!
Well, Tevin Coleman isn’t getting his job back.
oh, now THAT is some fun shit, Panthers
Holy mother of Benny Hill, Panthers.
Hat trick Freeman.
GOD DAMN IT. Really? Worst waiver wire miss ever
The Giants play call of pass on first and second down will never cease to amaze me.
Jesus, this game making me want to do laundry instead of watching football.
Sturgis finally parked his Harley between the right two bars….
What is the record worst field goal percentage for an NFL week?
I should probably eat some food. String cheese?
There’s some in the bottom drawer in the fridge, Trevor.
Make sure there’s one left for your little brother!
PK still thinks kicking is too easy.
There is no way PK even is thinking about football now. He is too busy stealing foul balls from kids at baseball games.
I hate the second half of games.
The Skins are weaker to second halves than we are to smallpox.
♪ Its raining flags, Hallelujah ♪
The Z in Zeigler is for flagzzzzzzzzz
Sweet coverage, Washington
Shit of the Bull.
He was standing still. Dude fell into him.
JJ Watt would say he cuts his own firewood, but he would really have a gas powered log-splitter.
Or…
Right now in the Visitor’s Locker Room at Paul Brown Stadium, the Chiefs’ Offensive Line is wondering when halftime will end and where everyone went to.
1st Half Storylines: “The Amazing Amari (can make bears defenders disappear like magic!)” “Cutlery Sharp in Return (it’s a knife joke!)” “The Burger King Pumpkin Spice Latte is a healthy start to your day (NO IT WILL ERODE YOUR SOUL)”
Laura “Bad Mascara” Okmin.
hey from trenton
see you in rahway
Bengals sack sad sack smith to smithereens.
Yea, he doesn’t seem to do as well in a stadium named after a guy who freed the slaves.
O.K., that was intended for the comment below this one.
Paul Brown freed the slaves! I knew it!
It’s okay, Smith woild suck there too.
Buddy of mine just texted: “Figures Riley Cooper would excel in a stadium dedicated to a racial epithet.”
Just now coming to terms with how much coffee I’m going to need to drink to ride these 14 hours out.
FACK YOU, stomach lining.
Oh Washington, never stop Washingtinning.
Luckily, Philly also has to Philly. I’m enjoying this incompetent kicker.
The London game was awful. The Bears game is awful even though they are winning. I am thinking of just skipping the rest of this game and the afternoon games but I have nothing else I can think of watching instead of them.
Don’t skip out, just order a pizza and drink more, or just yell more. Yelling is fun!
A 14-hour day is a footbaw obligation. You don’t get to FUCKING CHOOSE!!
You both are correct. I am sorry for even saying I might leave.
Who will be the Eagles new kicker?
Tebow time!
Jeff Reed, tanned rested and ready!!
Bring back Tom Dempsey!
Scobee
I hope this week turns into another flag fest so I can post another thread of devotion to Beergh.
That was enjoyable. I wouldn’t mind it becoming a regular feature.
That penalty tracking site is remarkably detailed and could provide plenty of flag nuggets.
FLUGGETS!
Work has sucked today, the London game sucked. Clockwatching until I bail. T-15 minutes.
Hide from your boss! Think stealth!
You can do this!!!
Sounds like time to go wash your hands and pretend you have OCD for 15 min.
Make some copies!
Go poop!
Oh! SPLOOSH!!
http://38.media.tumblr.com/658be5edcf73b57c18f02ff08dd27d90/tumblr_nt5jn7yZwK1rcg84do1_500.gif