Corn Maze Employee #1: I’m telling you, man, he was in there all night.
Corn Maze Employee #2: Doing what, though?
#1: Hell if I know. We closed up all the snack bars tight, and none of them looked disturbed. I don’t think there was even a corn stalk out of place.
#2: What about the pumpkin patch?
#1: I don’t think he ever found his way out to it. When we first found him, he had built a fort out of hay bales and apparently piled up a bunch of trash bags to use as a bed.
#2: With all the half eaten candy apples and dumped cider and popcorn?
#1: Yeah. It was like some sort of lumpy waterbed.
#2: That doesn’t even make sense.
#1: It gets weirder, though. See, when we went into the fort, he was just coming back in from the shower.
#2: Shower? What the fuck, man? There’s no running water anywhere in that corn maze!
#1: Right?! He wasn’t just wet; he was red and steaming like he’d been in hot water.
#2: No way.
#1: Yeah. Then he saw us and took off running into the maze.
#2: Oh shit! What did you do?!
#1: Oh, what, like I’m gonna take off running after a wet naked dude in a towel for minimum wage? Fuck. That. Besides, he ran off into the one section that’s just a big ass loop. We just stood there and every few minutes he’d stroll by again.
#2: What a dumbass.
#1: Eh, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. In fact, he may not be what you’d call “high functioning.”
#2: So what do we do about him?
#1: Tim says there’s nothing we can do. He hasn’t stolen or destroyed anything, he’s not in any danger, and Tim says it’s not worth calling in a trespassing call, especially considering the “special greenhouse”. So, we wait.
#2: Damn. I swear shit like this happens every damn year.
[four hours later]
#1: …and so I say ‘well, maybe you should learn how to kick a goddamn triple!”
#2: Ha ha, yeah–Oh shit, dude! Look, he’s coming out!
Jim Tomsula: Hey fellas! Man, what a night. That was the most luxurious bed I’ve slept on in my whole life! It was like a water bed with a massage function! And all the unpopped Orville Redenbacher I could eat, right off the vine! I tell you, this rural luxury resort has everything a guy like myself could ask for–good scenery, quiet rooms, soft dirt, and no hassling from the man. Five stars, fellas. Let me give you both a solid tip for being such good hosts. /hands them both a signed Colin Kaepernick jersey before leaving
#1: What the fuck is this crap?
#2: Yeah, I wouldn’t be caught dead in this thing.
#1: Let’s just toss ’em in the bonfire truck. I hear Tim needs help making special caramel apples in the greenhouse.
#2: Fuck yeah.
/both leave towards a completely separate part of the grounds
[meanwhile, deep within the corn maze]
TG: Getting closer, every step! You won’t win this time, Arrowhead Stadium! /looks down at an sideways map of 1994 Disneyland and studies it for many minutes