Somewhere outside of Jersey City…

Old School Zero

Old School Zero

Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
Old School Zero

Latest posts by Old School Zero (see all)

Corn Maze Employee #1: I’m telling you, man, he was in there all night.

Corn Maze Employee #2: Doing what, though?

#1: Hell if I know. We closed up all the snack bars tight, and none of them looked disturbed. I don’t think there was even a corn stalk out of place.

#2: What about the pumpkin patch?

#1: I don’t think he ever found his way out to it. When we first found him, he had built a fort out of hay bales and apparently piled up a bunch of trash bags to use as a bed.

#2: With all the half eaten candy apples and dumped cider and popcorn?

#1: Yeah. It was like some sort of lumpy waterbed.

#2: That doesn’t even make sense.

#1: It gets weirder, though. See, when we went into the fort, he was just coming back in from the shower.

#2: Shower? What the fuck, man? There’s no running water anywhere in that corn maze!

#1: Right?! He wasn’t just wet; he was red and steaming like he’d been in hot water.

#2: No way.

#1: Yeah. Then he saw us and took off running into the maze.

#2: Oh shit! What did you do?!

#1: Oh, what, like I’m gonna take off running after a wet naked dude in a towel for minimum wage? Fuck. That. Besides, he ran off into the one section that’s just a big ass loop. We just stood there and every few minutes he’d stroll by again.

#2: What a dumbass.

#1: Eh, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. In fact, he may not be what you’d call “high functioning.”

#2: So what do we do about him?

#1: Tim says there’s nothing we can do. He hasn’t stolen or destroyed anything, he’s not in any danger, and Tim says it’s not worth calling in a trespassing call, especially considering the “special greenhouse”. So, we wait.

#2: Damn. I swear shit like this happens every damn year.

[four hours later]

#1: …and so say ‘well, maybe you should learn how to kick a goddamn triple!”

#2: Ha ha, yeah–Oh shit, dude! Look, he’s coming out!

Jim Tomsula: Hey fellas! Man, what a night. That was the most luxurious bed I’ve slept on in my whole life! It was like a water bed with a massage function! And all the unpopped Orville Redenbacher I could eat, right off the vine! I tell you, this rural luxury resort has everything a guy like myself could ask for–good scenery, quiet rooms, soft dirt, and no hassling from the man. Five stars, fellas. Let me give you both a solid tip for being such good hosts. /hands them both a signed Colin Kaepernick jersey before leaving

#1: What the fuck is this crap?

#2: Yeah, I wouldn’t be caught dead in this thing.

#1: Let’s just toss ’em in the bonfire truck. I hear Tim needs help making special caramel apples in the greenhouse.

#2: Fuck yeah.

/both leave towards a completely separate part of the grounds

[meanwhile, deep within the corn maze]

TG: Getting closer, every step! You won’t win this time, Arrowhead Stadium! /looks down at an sideways map of 1994 Disneyland and studies it for many minutes

Old School Zero
Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.

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ballsofsteelandfurySenor WeaseloMoose -The End Is Well NighHoratio CornblowerRikki-Tikki-Deadly Recent comment authors
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ballsofsteelandfury

I propose a new rule where every DFO post needs to include a Trent Greene joke.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I firmly believe that at some point in time Jim Tomsula, Ed Reed, and Carl Weathers have passed around a bottle of Night Train.

Horatio Cornblower

Christ after this week I wish I worked in a corn maze.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You enjoy cornblowing that much?

Horatio Cornblower

Who said anything about corn?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did you get cornholed?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

P7ck s7xes com7ng.

blaxabbath

His pocket looks like a little mouth that has it’s own mic. I assume he’s giving his pressers as a ventriloquist now?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We needs uses pocket-mouth and eyes.

King Hippo

It’s funny cause it’s TRUE! And mean as fuck! Hee hee.