NFL Quarterly Progress Report, Whose Season is Finished

We are five weeks into the NFL season and every team has played at least four games.  While we have a good idea who may be the contenders, we still do not have a good grasp of who the pretenders might be.   A 4-0 or 5-0 start does not necessarily mean a team is a shoe-in for the playoffs (a la the 2009 Broncos or 2009 Giants).    However, we should have a firm grasp on whose season is finished.    This is dedicated to these teams.  I will take a close look at every team who currently has a losing record and prognosticate whether their season is essentially a wash.

First up AFC.

AFC

AFC EAST

Miami Dolphins

God I love that gif.

Record: 1-3; Points Scored: 65, Points Allowed: 101; Total Offense: 28th; Total Defense: 29th; Joe Philbin’s 1000-yard stare: priceless

Remember when people thought Miami was going to be a legitimate contender in the AFC East? Well that turned out to be a poor prediction.  Joe Philbin was unceremoniously fired after a terrible start featuring a bad loss to the Jags and thrashings by the Bills and Jets.  This team is done.  Suh is pulling a Fat Albert.  Tannehill is having a shit fit against practice squad players.  I hope all 12 Dolphin fans located in the State of Florida enjoy the nice weather.

AFC NORTH

Cleveland Browns

That will do Josh, that will do.

Record: 2-3, Points Scored: 118; Points Allowed: 132; Total Offense: 8th (????); Total Defense: 30ths (ah there it is); Factory of Sadness Productivity:  While the global market has taken a hit because of the slow-down in China and the emerging markets, the output of the Factory of Sadness is doing just fine.

Cleveland always seems to be a team that gives a lot of effort, but eventually that institutional rot comes into play and their weaknesses finally cost them a game.  I think they might have a respectable season (for Cleveland standards), so I would not put a fork in them quite yet.  They’re not as bad as past Cleveland teams, but Cleveland is a city of lowered expectations, drastically lower expectations.

Baltimore Ravens

Record: 1-4, Points Scored: 123, Points Allowed: 137 (4 losses on a -14 point differential, Geez Baltimore); Total Offense: 12th; Total Defense: 24th; Flacco Blandness Rating: Vanilla Ice Cream.

Ratbirds are finished.  They lost to the Browns at home and the Steelers and Bengals are still superior teams.  Suggs finally succumbed to his battle against his weaponized gingivitis.

AFC SOUTH

Preliminary Note: Remember how the Colts looked completely fucked after looking feckless against the Bills and Jets.  Well thank god for three straight division games to set the ship upright.  Holy fuck is this division terrible.

Tennessee Titans

Record: 1-3; Points scored: 102; Points Allowed: 91; Total Offense: 16th; Total Defense: 3rd.

Considering this is a rebuilding season featuring a rookie QB, the Titans prospects were rather limited this year. I can’t say too much about them, because I don’t really know that much about them.

Houston Texans

Featured, better QB options than Mallett and Hoyer.

Record: 1-4; Points Scored: 92, Points allowed: 135; Total Offense: 5th (they average 396.2 yards a game and have only scored 92 points, yikes); Total Defense: 11th; JJ Watt Humblebrags: As countless as the stars of the universe.

I’m a Jets fan, I’ve seen my fair share of shitty QB tandems.  Houston has an extraordinarily shitty QB tandem.   That is why they will continue to have a poor season.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Record 1-4; Points Scored: 93; Points Scored: 93; Points Allowed: 145; Total Offense: 19th; Total Defense: 19th; Blake Bortles: 1.

They’ve been in re-building mode for at least 5 years now and will continue for at least another 5.  Is there anything notable about this team besides Khan’s mustache and Blake Bortles’s name?

Epilogue: Christ on a stick, fucking Clots have locked up the 4th seed already haven’t they?

AFC WEST

Oakland Raiders

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 107; Points Allowed: 124; Total Offense: 22th; Total Defense:  25th; Total Fan-base Barbarism: 1st.

Did you guys see this story about Mark Davis.  Jesus, Al did not raise a stable one.  Then again, being the son of a zombie-vampire probably does not bode well for one’s life prospects.  Raiders aren’t too bad and they will at least give a fight, and not just in the stands.   However, Denver’s defense is suffocating and I do not see a wild-card spot for the Raiders any time this decade.

San Diego Chargers

YAAA BETTAAA REPENT SOMEBODY!!!!!

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 116; Points Allowed: 134; Total Offense: 3rd; Total Defense: 15th; Rivers Children on the way in 2016: 2; Enemies of Christendom Slain: 431.

San Diego lost a winnable game against a banged-up Steelers team. The Rivers-led Chargers NFL window is closing, though his wife probably has a good 5-6 years of fertility left.   San Diego probably has a good chance of doing one of their dumbass late runs in the season to snag a wild card, though I would not think they are a front-runner.  At least Ol’ Marmalard, His Honorable King Laserface has two opportunities to deride Peyton about the use of stem cells this year.

Kansas City Chiefs

Record: 1-4; Points: Scored: 117; Points Allowed: 143; Total Offense: 18th; Total Defense: 26th; Jamaal Charles Season Ending Injuries: 2 (I’m not missing any am I?); Andy Reid Time Management Skills Hilarity: immeasurable.

Sorry Chiefs, I’ve got nothing.  You have Fat Andy, Captain Tiny-Hands, and Jamaal Charles ACL tears.  Ride out 2015 in quiet dignity as is your custom.