“Come on man, do it.”

“No, I don’t want to.”

“What, are you SCARED?!”

“No! I just…don’t want to do it!”

“You’ll never have a chance at starting in the NFL unless you do it! Everybody does it!”

“Unless you blow out your knee you mean….”

“Whatever.”

“OK FINE!! I’m not scared!”

Zach Mettenberger enters the Tennessee Titans’ locker bathroom. The flickering of florescent light bulbs hanging from the ceiling casts an eerie, inconsistent glow over several sinks aligned against the tile wall. He reaches into his pocket and shakily removes his cell phone.

Get it together Zach. He’s not real. Nothing is going to happen.

*koochiiick*

See, no big deal, Just take a few more and then Marcus will let you start.

*koochiiick*

Haha. How stupid do they think I am? There’s no such thing as Selifeman!

*koochiiick*

CHOP

What the fuck was that?! It…it sounded like a log being split somewhere far away. How weird. I’m sure it’s just the strange acoustics in this locker room. 

*koochiiick*

CHOP

Holy shit! Is it getting louder? Closer? What….Watt? No, no way. Just your imagination man. Selfieman is just an urban legend. One more and you can get the hell out of here and everyone will respect you as a real NFL quarterback.

*koochiiick*

CHOP!

Before Zach’s eyes what was once the already admittedly disturbing image of his own face is suddenly replaced with the bloody visage of a mythical madman! Gore drips from the bridge of the specter’s nose and pure malevolence burns in its eyes.

THE LION HAS COME TO TEACH THE SHEEP A LESSON! BUT ALSO TO TEACH THAT YOU CAN GET RELIABLE SERVICE ANYWHERE YOU GO WITH VERIZON!

A howl of pure  terror rips itself from Zach’s very innards. He hurls his cell phone against the wall, hoping whatever foul ritual that summoned Selfieman is dispersed with the phone’s destruction. Not looking back, he trips over himself in haste to exit the locker room.

Some say Zach Metterberger never threw a good pass in the NFL again after that day. Others say what’s the fucking difference, he never threw one in the first place. We’ll never know what really happened that night.