This Week in F**k You: The Common Cold.

In an earlier post this week regarding depression, OSZ stated “Every year around this time” and I couldn’t put it more succinctly.

I have a shitty, fucking, whole head cold.

God this shit sucks.

It’s around the time of year in California when we go from “Holy shit I love living out here!” to “Holy good goddamn it got cold!” I will be the first to admit that us West Coasties really don’t have it that bad and we most certainly don’t know what REAL cold temps are like. This coming from someone who lived in Iowa, Illinois and in Jersey. I do know what real cold is like but I’ve been in L.A. so long I have been “grandfathered in” to bitch any time the temperature drops below 50.

It starts with the cold and when the winds kick up it really gets rolling. First thing you notice when the seasons change (please note: we have just the two seasons) is your skin dries up like jerky and you feel like you’ve been put into a food dehydrator.

Like this:

cow-skull-in-the-desert

You literally feel like bathing in lotion. The skin on your hands dries to a sandpaper type feel and then your sinuses start rebelling. This happens BEFORE you get the head cold but oh God, you just know a cold is coming.

You all know the symptoms. You know the drill. Back of the throat feels a little warm and scratchy, the sinuses start to clog a little and the next thing you know…

waterfall

It’s absolutely fucking insane how much mucous the human body can produce. It’s disgusting and actually quite amazing at the same time. My standard procedure is to grab a box of “Puffs” – Christ what a horrible name for a tissue – then a big ass bottle of Nyquil (Nyquil shots!!! followed by Nyquil shits!!!) and some Dayquil. Then proceed with the self medicating. I always follow doctor’s orders and drink plenty of fluids! Fuck off, beer, whisky and wine are fluids. I have to buy the “Puffs” (Jesus) because I have this wimpy ass nose that gets a sore if I have to blow my nose more than three times. It looks like my skin is trying to crawl off my face. It is not my best look.

Ahh, Nyquil! Let’s see, Acetaminophen, Dextromethorphan HBr, Doxylamine succinate and it’s also 20 proof alcohol. Shit yes! I’m pretty sure these are the ingredients that Walter White first used when he began his meth empire. Important safety tip kids! Never try to buy more than 2 bottles of this at a time. You will find yourself being monitored by the DEA, or so I’ve heard. Ahem, Let’s move on.

sneeze1

Oh yes, the sneezing. When the cold first starts settling in good and proper you will know you are fully fucked the first time you fire off that 4 sneeze volley. You know what I mean. Those 4 sneezes in a span of two seconds? You aren’t just sneezing from your nose and mouth. Fuck no! Your entire head sneezes. People who wear glasses are nodding along right about now. When you sneeze with your glasses on, the inside of your lenses look like the blood splatter spray at a shotgun crime scene. I’m pretty sure your forehead sneezes and your cheekbones and chin. Your head just basically explodes with mucous and everyone within a 1/4 mile radius looks at you absolutely fucking terrified like you’re Typhoid Mary or some kind of shit. I can’t blame them. Ever been in a movie theater and somebody fires off the sneeze volley? It’s OK to run screaming from the theater in this instance.

/not sure if it’s ever a good idea to run screaming from a theater.

Christ this is horrible goddamn shit.

If your sinuses are fully blocked you won’t be able to sleep right, your mouth turns into the fucking Sahara desert and you wake up with almost no sleep and a fucking Nyquil hangover. Just fire me out of a canon directly at the sun please.

After a couple of terrible, just no good, shit-awful days your cold starts to clear up by having the mucous change from water to Elmer’s Glue. Then you have the joy of hacking and spitting this unholy mess up for the next couple of weeks, if you’re lucky! Ever have that shit settle to the bottom of your lungs and refuse to come out? I have! That’s called bronchitis and it fucking blows rabid weasel dicks. I was out of work for almost 3 months a few years back with this garbage. Your lung size is reduced to the same size as the lungs of a lab rat and you can run out of breath just walking to the refrigerator for another beer. I recommend going after multiple beers. It’s like aerobics!

I am doing this post as a quick explanation why there won’t be a Sunday Gravy but you know what? Here’s a good goddamn recipe for when you are sick.

Chicken Soup!

1 2 lb whole chicken cut into quarters.

2 stalks of celery chopped

2 carrots chopped

1 medium onion chopped

3 cloves of garlic

1 tablespoon of crushed dried thyme

1 bay leaf

1/2 lb dried noodles. Your choice of noodle type. I like wide egg noodles.

1/2 teaspoon of crushed dried oregano.

salt and a shitload of ground black pepper to taste.

Throw everything but the noodles into a dutch oven or stock pot, cover with enough water to submerge everything and bring that bastard to a low simmer. Reduce flame and simmer on low for about 2 to 2 1/2 hours, seasoning as you go. You may also need to add a little more water as it cooks. Remove the chicken from the pot, let chicken cool and debone the chicken carefully. Throw the chicken back into the soup and add in the noodles and cook for about 10-15 more minutes. Inhale the soup. It is delicious and actually has many healing properties! I think it’s the schmaltz or chicken fat.

/quick aside this is a rock solid chicken stock recipe too. I’m actually reserving some of the stock for next week when I’m making Grandmommies Dressin’. I hope to get a recipe for that to you by Thanksgiving.

I hope you are feeling good and rested because this shit is coming and it absolutely will not fucking stop until you are infected!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go blow my nose, goddamit!

 

 

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yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn't plate.
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[…] containers of chicken stock. [Author’s note if you do have the time and the wherewithall use the chicken soup recipe from this post to make your own stock. It is so fucking worth it] add in some salt and pepper, probably more […]

Former C-G-U-O

50 degrees? You’re tougher than me. I left the Midwest for SoCal back in the 90’s, and my balls go Puxotawney Phil if it gets under 65.

Doktor Zymm

One of my favorite Korean foods seems like it would be an awesome sick food.

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blaxabbath

Egg rolls?

JerBear50

Is that the food or the result of the sickness?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Old School Zero

Ginger.

It might not cure things, but damn it tastes good when I have things stuffed up.

Old School Zero

Y’all understand me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO!!!
WTF did he think his windshield wipers wuz gonna accompllish????

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Probably just an ‘oh shit! [in Chinese]’ reaction, things happen that quickly and unexpectedly are usually not reacted with a cool thought process.

ballsofsteelandfury

I have a confession to make.

Every time I see blaxabbath’s name on a post or a comment, I automatically read it as blax-abbath.

One day, when I was talking to Rikki Tikki Deadly in person and he said it out loud as Black Sabbath, it blew my mind.

To this day, even though I know it’s “Black Sabbath”, I still read it as blax-abbath.

There is something deeply wrong with me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

I was listening to Paranoid on the drive home tonight too.

I have problems.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

h

ttp://41.media.tumblr.com/77f6f874307c3d0053382d81cbde8ee3/tumblr_nxt06ps23k1scpq9co1_500.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

Awesome!

blaxabbath

You’re correct, Balls. RTD is wrong.

ballsofsteelandfury

WhooHoo!!

Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

Damn…now I’m hungry.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m still good. No symptoms, no pants. That’s the rule I live by.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ahhhh….the life and times of an asymptomatic vector.

But yeah, pants are the worst.

Doktor Zymm

I’m reasonably certain that the bacterial/virus theory of disease is totally wrong and it’s all just caused by pants. People don’t wear pants when they’re sick and then? THEY GET BETTER!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

No issues there, between myself or Lady Commander.

IT’S ALL BECAUSE HR LADY SAID “DON’T GET SICK.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Can we make a TWIFY for the Typhoid Marys of the world that fucking show up to work sick and manage to get everyone else sick? Fuck those people with a ten-foot pole, which is about as far as I will get to them.

Btw, I shit you not, some asshole infected our whole building with bedbugs. We had to hire a company to bring in special dogs ($6000 a visit) to sniff them out so we could kill them. Twice. They’re still there.

WTF is wrong with people?!?

Doktor Zymm

Bedbugs are the devil. I had exactly 1 bedbug for 2 months. It’s an odd story. I was lucky there was only the one, and I eventually found and killed it. Still don’t know where it came from. It lived in the chair I watched the 18-1 Pat’s season from.

ballsofsteelandfury

Did you name it Dreamboat?

blordinaryfagicmox
SonOfSpam

Yes, especially the “I’m a brave soldier, so I’m here today in the office” except fuck you, no one wants you here. Go the fuck home. No one will miss you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The advent of PTO is partially to blame; it is also one reason our office set up remote desktop. Fuckers.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is PTO the equivalent of sick leave?

We have them, but they roll over into the next year forever. It’s really nice if something catastrophic ever happened.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At my place they are pretty good about and have short term disability. They also have a top cap of PTO which rolls over, it is something like 360 hours. We’ve had a few people go through some tough shit and other employees can donate PTO to them. I think most people are good with it because when I give any they usual take about half of what I offer since many others gave.

JerBear50

We have separate sick and vacation time and they both roll over from year to year. Once you bank enough sick time, you get to convert a week or two into vacation time every year. Also it gets paid out when you quit/retire. So yeah, fuck calling off sick.

Doktor Zymm

Eh. I only get sick once every few years, and when I do it’s something really bad. Since 4th grade I’ve been sick-sick three times. Once was food poisoning from undercooked crab, turns out that shitty beer is an excellent way to rehydrate. Twice was an antibiotic resistant kidney infection. Turns out I probably should have gone to the hospital instead of the university health center, and then, when it wasn’t drastically better after a couple days of the first antibiotic, I should have gone to the hospital again. Instead I re-watched Casablanca while having fever chills. Third was the only ear infection I’ve ever had. Never had em as a kid, had one bad enough to burst my eardrum as an adult. Worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Spent the night with the guy I was seeing at the time, when I was still bothered by the ear in the morning and tylenol stopped working, he suggested the CVS minute clinic. Got pills and drops, then different drops after the pop. I was probably out for a week, with no return to full hearing for a month.

I probably still have a couple years till the next one, but whatever it is, it’s gonna suck.

Doktor Zymm

The minus side is, I get sick days, and I haven’t fake sicked appropriately, so now I’m gonna lose a few days of not work at the end of the year. Note to self : “The Mondays” is possibly a real disease.

ballsofsteelandfury

Taking a Mental Health day is a real thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fuck and yes.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Have a doctors/dentist/eye exam/glasses fitting/trip to the pharmacy? Take a sick day.

JerBear50

Guh. Ear infections are miserable.

blaxabbath

One of my favorite non blax-penned things about [dfo] is the recipe post. As a bad cook who would like to be a good cook and generally follows directions good and likes to eat, I appreciate solid recipes from knowledgable craftsmen.

blaxabbath

comment image

SonOfSpam

Sorry about your health. But you’re handling it properly. (Beer, etc)

One thing about that soup recipe; it IS rock solid, but if I might make a recommendation…just a little bit of lemon juice. Mmmmm…tangy. Otherwise, you’re golden.

ballsofsteelandfury

I vouch for this. You can use limes too. Really pulls the soup together.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Suck it up pussy; try a real virus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Can’t talk now; I’m dealing with a really nasty dog fart. I HAD to leave the room.

Lothar of the Hill People

Shit, Nyquil has acetaminophen and alcohol? Might as well just call it Liverkillerquil.

No one over the age of 18 should ever be taking acetaminophen. It’s lousy as a painkiller, and although it’s good as an anti-pyretic, ibuprofen and aspirin work fine, and won’t damage your liver.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is no joke. My friend regularly used Nyquil every time she and her son got sick. This last time, her doctor told her to stop it because both of their livers were showing signs of damage.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I heard it was OK if you inject it tho.

Doktor Zymm

What about snorting? Smoking?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

FUNNY STORY/TOPICAL

The company I work for has been going through a sale to a bigger company. At the start of this month, we learned that all of the anti-trust stuff went through and the sale would officially close at the end of the month (December 1st). On Tuesday, open enrollment closed, and I signed up for another year of health insurance, which we were promised would transition seamlessly to the new company at a later date, sometime next year, whenever they got around to it.
Yesterday, we are having our “Worksgiving” where our entire division got together and ate Thanksgiving food (which we had to pay for) at a long table and had a good time. A few people that normally work externally were there as well, including HR Lady. HR Lady had told everyone she was leaving at 1pm, directly after lunch, to beat traffic. At 12:40, one of the Managers asks HR Lady “Hey, so what’s up with that new insurance change that was talked about in the Management Meeting this morning?” To which HR Lady then explains that as of December 1st, the new insurance is kicking in. BUT, they will not be able to give us any PROOF OF INSURANCE UNTIL /shrugs, AND WE’LL HAVE TO PAY OUT OF POCKET IF WE NEED TO GO TO ANY DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS/HOSPITAL/EMERGENCY ROOM UNTIL THEY REIMBURSE US! She then promptly left.

Let that sink in for a second…

It gets better.

When we pressed about what the fuck was going on, all she said was “Don’t get sick,” and gave us a grin. You know, in December.

I found out shortly after that she was asked to send out an email immediately after that meeting, which she never did. The Manager that asked her about the insurance did it to put her on the spot, BECAUSE SHE WAS GOING TO LEAVE WITHOUT TELLING US THIS AT ALL! AND, SHE DIDN’T EVEN PAY/CONTRIBUTE FOR WORKSGIVING OR STAY TO ANSWER QUESTIONS!

This literally gave us 5 remaining days to make appointments, due to the Thanksgiving holidays. I had a dentist appointment scheduled six months ago in two weeks. One of my managers is going through chemo. One of my sales guys’ has a very pregnant wife. WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK?! HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THAT ON THEIR OWN?!? ONE ROUND OF CHEMO COSTS 10 GRAND!

Guess they should just “not get sick.”

Lothar of the Hill People

Oh, well, health care is totally a free market. You can just buy another health care plan. Right?

blaxabbath

Just tell the ER you’re a Syrian refugee. They’ll rush you to the front of line (ahead of the homeless vets and job creators!) and give you premium service FOR FREE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Trump supporter?

JerBear50

+1’d on the assumption that it was sarcasm.

Doktor Zymm

I’ve been at my current company since March, and we could play blackjack with all the different insurance cards I have because of “seamless transitions.” Not as bad as what you’ve got going on, but never trust em and keep an eye on your local exchange. I didn’t get too bad a deal during my 3 months on Obamacare.

blordinaryfagicmox

The main active ingredient in hand sanitizier: ethyl alcohol. Main active ingredient in vodka: ethyl alcohol. coincidence?

Doktor Zymm

Is it weird that I had a similar thought at the bus stop this morning?

JerBear50

You can use salt to separate the alcohol from the rest of the sanitizer. Still wouldn’t suggest drinking the alcohol. I mean, unless you’re out of booze. Then whatever.