I Watched It So That You Don’t Have To-Christmas Lodge*

/I must come clean. I saw the 2 hour run-time on this and said, “Gah”. I tuned in about half an hour in. I didn’t think I’d miss too much though…

Erin Karpluk plays Mary (natch!). She’s a hard-driving city girl that was raised by some good old-fashioned, hard-working country folk. She’s in some sort of job that secures funding for various projects in various communities. Back to visit her parents, she goes for a hike, gets lost and wanders across this lodge out in the middle of nowhere. Oh, it’s a dilapidated old place that’s run by a buff fella by the name of Jack (Micheal Shanks). Nobody goes there anymore. You see, since his wife died all of his time has been taken up with caring for little Lulu. (I didn’t catch her name and I don’t know anything about IMBD) Did I mention that Mary is single and just coming off an emotional breakup? That’ll come in handy later on, no doubt. This lodge-place seems vaguely familiar to her but…

Mary recounts this hiking misadventure to her ailing grandpa who looks sorta like Santa, of course. Gramps says, “That’s Christmas Lodge! Our family went there every year. You were so young, you probably don’t remember. Oh the good times we had there with loved ones!” *Cough* *Cough* What I wouldn’t give for one more Christmas up there. Our head-strong protagonist gets it into her head that she’s gonna make things right for Gramps and the family. She asks her dad (who happens to own a construction company!) to take a look at how much it might cost to renovate Christmas Lodge and get it up to speed again. Well, the total comes in at just over 2 million bucks. Where the heck are they going to find that kind of money? Hold on a minute, she raises funds for various community projects! Looks like a slam dunk to me. End of story. But hold on a minute you stupid viewer, the board turns down the funding request. Mary makes a personal plea to a silver-haired briefcase and gets turned down again. Jesus Christ! Things are not going her way AT ALL. She whines to her dad to put other jobs aside and focus on this one so that Gramps can have one last Christmas at Christmas Lodge and is told, Grandpa isn’t going to pull through this just like this lodge isn’t going to be fixed up.

The End. Kidding! Mary goes into work and is told by silver-haired briefcase that he went to individual donors and came up with a million dollars just like that. She and her dad go off to visit Gramps at the hospital and she explains this turn of events. Gramps, who passed the construction business on to his son, offers to come up with the other million. (It’s great being a white person in a Hallmark movie). Dad’s a stubborn bastard though and says he won’t devote the time to getting Christmas Lodge ready for…you know. Gramps quotes from the bible and throws in the old, “Jesus was a carpenter just like you and HE helped people in need” or some such. His arm sufficiently twisted, dad is on board. (carpenter, board. Get it? No? Oh well) The good news doesn’t end there though. She is offered a job in a rural office just 10 miles from Christmas Lodge. Her old job is then given to Black Friend #1 and she is happy to get the promotion. Where the hell did Black Friend #1 come from? It doesn’t much matter does it? Mary and Jack decide to start dating much to the delight of little Lulu. Everything’s going swell, isn’t it? Well, I’ve got an Emeril Lagasse-esque BAM! for you.

Gramps has a stroke. Mary’s Christmas Lodge dream is as dead as Gramps entire left side. Due to some atrocious editing it is Thanksgiving all of a sudden, everyone is there except Gramps. Due to some more atrocious editing it’s Christmas Eve, everyone is at the lodge except for you-know-who. Well, jimminy crickets, guess who shows up at the last second? Mary is so surprised to see him! I guess once she got the cheque she had no more use for the old man and stopped visiting him and didn’t notice the progress he was making.  There’s a marriage proposal and little Lulu-who wears plastic angel wings intermittently throughout this whole series of events(?)-couldn’t be happier. Gramps gets out the fiddle and everyone dances. The End.

 

*The full title of this movie is Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Lodge which is not to be confused with 2008’s Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Cottage starring Marcia Gay Harden and Jared Padelecki.

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the king in yellow
the king in yellow

Now do the one with the Fonz!
Ayeeeee.

ballsofsteelandfury

“Mary’s Christmas Lodge dream is as dead as Gramps entire left side. ”

You sir, have a gift for words. My favorite line of the post, by far.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

It amazes me the things that you, Moose, are able to find on the Internet.

Enrico Pallazzo

It appears that–yes–I would like to have intercourse with Erin Karpluk.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SECONDS!

*different oriface

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that typo actually works.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Cha right?

SonOfSpam

Looking forward to the next dead artist presentation on the Hallmark Channel: “Jean-Michel Basquiat’s Heroin Holiday starring Pam Dawber and Steve Guttenberg”

Fun fact: Thomas Kinkade was such a wonderful Christian that his four children all have the middle name “Christian.” Kinkade also liked to drink to excess and sexually harass women. Artistically, his peers include George W. Bush and the Spanish lady who fucked up the Jesus mural.

indieguy
indieguy

Frank Stella’s holiday extravaganza was pretty enough to watch but there wasn’t much substance to it

blaxabbath

Gramps is gonna die and they’re gonna lose the cabin when the county unconstitutionally (state, not federal) raises the property taxes 450% overnight to make up for their budget windfalls that came from some crafty accounting down at the state house.

Oh no, schools will still close, but now the money will still be available for developer-directed land swap deals and the local economy will be saved!

jjfozz

“Thomas Pinkades Christmas Log” would sell nicely in certain adult themed stores.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Have you seen the series “Atheists Watch (Religious Movie Title)” by TheBibleReloaded on YouTube?

Funny stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/user/TheBibleReloaded

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is the finest piece of writing I’ve ever read in a review. Suck it, Leitch.

PhilSimmsKentuckyMethCookbook
PhilSimmsKentuckyMethCookbook

Also not to be confused with Thomas Kincade’s Christmas Log, sponsored by Taco Bell.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Wait, wait, wait, WAIT!

Taco Bell shits are never log-like in their consistency. More like some kindling that’s gone through a wood-chipper.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Yes, in my experience Taco Bell shits are usually “nothin’ but net”, meaning they could strain through a colander.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

You might want to consult a medical professional, L

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also not to be confused with Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Frog, sponsored by The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys Socialist Collective.

Beerguyrob

Also not to be confused with Reuben Kincaid’s master thesis: “If you’re big enough to get away with it, then it’s right. That’s international law.”

http://www.lyndsanity.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/reuben.jpg

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Also not to be confused with Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Bog, sponsored by The Glasgow Amalgamated Peat Corporation.