Your Early Game Slate Open Thread

Eleven freaking games now and only two at the late afternoon spot? [sighs]

Buf @ Phi: The Bills have played five games this year in which they’ve not turned the ball over. Guess what their record is in those games? If you said 5-0 I’d have to ask you why you’re talking to yourself. But anyway-QB Taylor has done his part and taken great care of the ball, throwing only 4 intercepts and fumbling but once. Can you believe that he was in a QB competition with EJ Manuel? Can you believe that Coach Ryan gave the starting job to the more competent QB? The word ’round philly is that RB Murray will be 4th on the old depth chart today, behind some guy by the name of Barner (who?). He just doesn’t look good does he? The Chipper stunned the Pats and the Eagles fan base last week. The calls for his head are now at low-grumble levels.

SF @ Cle: MANZIEL! GABBERT! That’s about it for this game-moving on…

Det @ StL: Last week the Lions three game win streak was rudely interrupted by a cold, unfeeling universe. St. Louis-in the midst of a five-game skid-knows all about that. HC Fisher was generous enough to let OC Frank Cignetti (who?) take the fall for the unrelenting lousiness of QB’s Keenum and Foles. It was…time to move in another direction Fisher said, completely oblivious to his own career circling the drain.

NO @ TB: The Saints can score with the best of them but they’re getting scored on at an historic rate. CB Browner and company have given up 35..THIRTY-FIVE TD’s through the air this year. Opposing teams QBR rating is 347.6! I didn’t actually look that up but that number sure feels right. Speaking of made-up advanced statistics, the Bucs are sporting a lugubrious -2.7 BTAR (Banana Temperatures Above Replacement) which makes it crystal clear why they are 3-1 in their last 4.

Ten @ NYJ: The Jets are looking to solidify their gelatinous wild card chances against the Titans. The Titans last two wins have been high-scoring squeakers versus the Eagles and Jags. Which QB gets sacked the least in the NFL percentage-wise? If you answered “Haaaaavaaaad” you’d be lucky, right and just plain silly. Look for Fitz to be passing a bit more than usual because Tennessee gives up just over 8 yards per pass play. WR’s DECKER AND MARSHAL SHALL FEAST!

Pit @ Cin: “Gentlemen, start your Steelers…and Bengals!” We may be looking at a high-scoring affair here. Over the last 4 games each of these teams have scored 30 or more 7 out of 8 times. With a win the Steelers chances of getting a Bowl game increase to 77%. Everybody yaks about the Cincy O but the Ben better beware of DE’s Dunlap and Atkins. This duo is the only one in the league that has 8 or more sacks. As well, S Reggie Nelson leads all players with 7 intercepts.

Ind @ Jax: The Pats are given crap about the patsies in their division but what about the Colts? They’ve won 16 in a row in their division which is a record. For now they hold the tie-breaker with the surging Texans (who?) against whom they’ll play in Wk. 15. Gore should have himself a day what with LB Posluszny out and his replacement Jordan Tripp making his very first start. Bortles’ improvement means that the Jags can now compete in shootouts which comes in handy because the D gives away points like candy at Halloween.

SD @ KC: This tilt should be a foregone conclusion. In the last six games the Chiefs have the fifth-best O and the #1 D. Perhaps Rivers will go nuts but he’ll more than likely have an ugly, turnover-heavy day.

Was @ Chi: Against his better judgement RB Pierre Thomas signed with Washington recently. These are two 5-7 teams that don’t know what to do with themselves. The Slurs are winless on the road and Chicago has one lousy win at home. I’m guessing both teams wander aimlessly around the field all game long, a field goal near the end is missed, hands are shaken after the clock has run out and no one ever speaks of this again.

Atl @ Car: This was a fantastic game around wk. 5 or 6 of the season but for Atlanta the L’s have been coming fast and furious since then. Why? Perhaps it has something to do with leading the league in drives ending with a TO-16.5% of the time Ryan finds a defender with a throw or he and his cohorts fumble it away. I’m not sure if you’ve been made aware of this but the Panthers are undefeated at home! CB Norman recently said that WR Who-who-Julio “completes me”. Whaaa?

Sea @ Bal: What does ignoring new plaything TE Graham for most of the year (until he went on IR) get you? For QB Wilson, according to Pro Football Focus, the second-highest QB ranking of 98.98. Somebody has done a half-decent job for the Seahawks given the loss of Graham and Lynch and the late arrival of S Chancellor. Perhaps it’s time we gave that swaggering, gum-chewing ex-college coach a bit of credit.

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WCS

Will Allen’s pass interference gives us a Stillers secondary BINGO! Who had Will Allen, raise your card!

Romonobyl

I hope Dok isn’t drinking.

King Hippo

she was drinking for breakfast!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

D.O.K. = Dead on Kickoff

Spur

Time to throw swords out into the field in Cincy. Let’em FIGHT!

John Difool

DEAD CATLER BOUNCE

WCS

HAIL BLEERGH

Beerguyrob

They are worshipping him hard in the Hawks-Ravens game.

Sharkbait

Bleergh is pleased with the Stillers and Bengals.

Sill Bimmons

Plenty of stupid to go around.

entropy

STOP THROWING TO DEVIN SMITH HE SUCKS.

This has been a public service annoucement from everyone with eyes.

Spur

I hope McCarron’s wife is at this game

Romonobyl

My team’s playoff hopes ride on the wet, drippy paws of Jay Cutler. Can’t wait for next year’s draft party!

John Difool

Jay looks extra sulky today.

Romonobyl

No sunny spots on the locker room floor this morning.

Sharkbait

Star Wars: The Car!
Star Wars: The Orange!
Star Wars: The Flame Thrower!

entropy

Star Wars; The 1980s Defense Spending Boondoggle!

Wait…

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Star Wars: The Flame Thrower sounds fucking awesome.

Sill Bimmons

The kids love that one.

Beerguyrob

I wonder if Rae Carruth is allowed to watch games in prison? I’m sure the guards don’t rub it in at all.

entropy

Marcusception!

Romonobyl

He went to Jared…
He went to Jared…
Now he’s going to Jared…
Wow, both of those guys are going to Jared…
What? Oops, wrong Jared.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Jared Allen?

entropy

Because it is the ONLY game on in my local market, during an 11-game opening slate no less, I refuse to watch the Bills/Eagles shitfight. Is Shady lighting it up?

King Hippo

RZ has shown almost NONE of it, so I has no clue

Sill Bimmons

Is Bryant Gumbel on mescaline?

The Maestro
The Maestro

Ted Ginn: 2 receptions, 120 yds, 2 TDs. What the fuck.

King Hippo

Cam Newton is a goddamned magician

fleshwound_NPG

O HE GON FITE IN DAT BOOT AINT NUTIN GON STOP HIM BELIIEEEEEE DAT CHUH CHUH

https://vine.co/v/iZ9g9Yttig1

ThursdaySkyGoddess

BREESUSDOWN

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
fleshwound_NPG

Ah, the twice-a-year Clots v. Jags FGkkake

Romonobyl

A remake of Point Break, following the footsteps of another epic cinematic event…Red Dawn. I’m sure the results will be equally spectacular.

entropy

I’m waiting for the remake of Swayze’s masterpiece, “Black Dog.”

Sharkbait

…Illegal crack back?

Spur

Hines Ward is playing?!?!

entropy

Titans special teams taking lessons from the Jets, it appears.

Spur

Ben’s run is like a drunken jog.

entropy

No QB is gonna balloon up like THE BEN after he retires. That fucker is gonna be in Reid-like proportions within three years.

King Hippo

especially if by “years” you mean “months”

Sill Bimmons

“Katie? It’s AJ. Yeah, I have to play. Just tell the managers that I’m not getting out of here early and that they’re going to have to open tomorrow without me there to lead the ‘Roll Tide Rag’ and the 77 Minutes Pray. Thanks, sweetie, gotta go. Love you, too. 1-2-3 GO CHICK-FIL-A!”

Beerguyrob
ThursdaySkyGoddess

Harfscramble, he’s so awkward.

entropy

Odd how this army commercial doesn’t show the levees in New Orleans when discussing their engineering feats.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

As awesome as Cam has been, can we talk about how incredible the defense that Ron Rivera has built is? The man has Kawann Short, Luke Kuechly, and Josh Norman playing out of their fucking minds.

The Maestro

Kirk’s skintangibles are just off the charts this season.

Romonobyl

I hope our Doktor gets out of this game alive.

American Pie Story

And hopefully everyone else in her vicinity does too

King Hippo

Kirk Cousins naked bootlegDOWN.

Now I’m just hoping Dok stays out of Soldier Field jail.

John Difool

We may need a Kickstarter or GoFund Me to rustle her up some bail money before this day is over.

King Hippo

Or a caper to just break her out. Do we REALLY wanna watch SNF and/or MNF anyway?

John Difool

Could you imagine a Kommentariat Caper? It’d be like that drunk on the Andy Griffith show who let himself into jail.

Recovery Whiskey

Kam Chancellor tailbone questionable return.

Seattles defense just got a lot more average

Moonbatting Average

Pro tip: put whiskey or cream in your coffee, but not both

Recovery Whiskey

Baileys?

King Hippo

I put gin in my coffee once. It was not a good experiment.

/usually just cinnamon powder or honey for me. Never any milk, cream, or refined sugar (I am even more of a weirdo than I let on here)

American Pie Story

Nothing weird about cinnamon in coffee.

/prefers sugar free or organic creamer

ThursdaySkyGoddess

COUSINSDOWN!

American Pie Story

TY Hilton’s mouth guard >>>

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hello Jagoffs and Jagoffettes.

The Maestro

Mohammed Sanu is the Bengals’ emergency 3rd QB. I find this hilarious and amazing and almost hope we get to see it.

entropy

The way the game’s going, the kicker might play QB before game’s end.

King Hippo

I wanna see Sanu play QB before that game ends.

entropy

WHERE THE FUCK HAS THIS BEEN, JETS?! WHERE?!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Ginger is done for the day.

Spur

Looks like Andy Dalton is officially out, https://twitter.com/pauldehnerjr/status/676107921370046465

entropy

Decker is having a hell of a day so far.

Sill Bimmons

Jesus the Bengals just took a timeout that they didn’t have to.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Sill Bimmons

Rawls out for C-Hox.

King Hippo

Looked pretty gross, but he walked off

Recovery Whiskey

Ankle. Might be not a season ending

The Maestro

Once again, fucking my fantasy team over.

The Maestro

Ah, Vontaze Burfict being a complete fuckwit again. What a total surprise, you guys.

Romonobyl

Carrier’s on the carrier.

John Difool

I haven’t seen a carrier get blown up like that since John McCain was a pilot….

King Hippo

Do we have anyone to go look in on Redshirt? Perhaps take a My Little Pony with ya?

Sharkbait

I’d say losing Dalton is soul crushing, but gingers have no souls.

Sill Bimmons