Your Early Game Slate Open Thread

Eleven freaking games now and only two at the late afternoon spot? [sighs]

Buf @ Phi: The Bills have played five games this year in which they’ve not turned the ball over. Guess what their record is in those games? If you said 5-0 I’d have to ask you why you’re talking to yourself. But anyway-QB Taylor has done his part and taken great care of the ball, throwing only 4 intercepts and fumbling but once. Can you believe that he was in a QB competition with EJ Manuel? Can you believe that Coach Ryan gave the starting job to the more competent QB? The word ’round philly is that RB Murray will be 4th on the old depth chart today, behind some guy by the name of Barner (who?). He just doesn’t look good does he? The Chipper stunned the Pats and the Eagles fan base last week. The calls for his head are now at low-grumble levels.

SF @ Cle: MANZIEL! GABBERT! That’s about it for this game-moving on…

Det @ StL: Last week the Lions three game win streak was rudely interrupted by a cold, unfeeling universe. St. Louis-in the midst of a five-game skid-knows all about that. HC Fisher was generous enough to let OC Frank Cignetti (who?) take the fall for the unrelenting lousiness of QB’s Keenum and Foles. It was…time to move in another direction Fisher said, completely oblivious to his own career circling the drain.

NO @ TB: The Saints can score with the best of them but they’re getting scored on at an historic rate. CB Browner and company have given up 35..THIRTY-FIVE TD’s through the air this year. Opposing teams QBR rating is 347.6! I didn’t actually look that up but that number sure feels right. Speaking of made-up advanced statistics, the Bucs are sporting a lugubrious -2.7 BTAR (Banana Temperatures Above Replacement) which makes it crystal clear why they are 3-1 in their last 4.

Ten @ NYJ: The Jets are looking to solidify their gelatinous wild card chances against the Titans. The Titans last two wins have been high-scoring squeakers versus the Eagles and Jags. Which QB gets sacked the least in the NFL percentage-wise? If you answered “Haaaaavaaaad” you’d be lucky, right and just plain silly. Look for Fitz to be passing a bit more than usual because Tennessee gives up just over 8 yards per pass play. WR’s DECKER AND MARSHAL SHALL FEAST!

Pit @ Cin: “Gentlemen, start your Steelers…and Bengals!” We may be looking at a high-scoring affair here. Over the last 4 games each of these teams have scored 30 or more 7 out of 8 times. With a win the Steelers chances of getting a Bowl game increase to 77%. Everybody yaks about the Cincy O but the Ben better beware of DE’s Dunlap and Atkins. This duo is the only one in the league that has 8 or more sacks. As well, S Reggie Nelson leads all players with 7 intercepts.

Ind @ Jax: The Pats are given crap about the patsies in their division but what about the Colts? They’ve won 16 in a row in their division which is a record. For now they hold the tie-breaker with the surging Texans (who?) against whom they’ll play in Wk. 15. Gore should have himself a day what with LB Posluszny out and his replacement Jordan Tripp making his very first start. Bortles’ improvement means that the Jags can now compete in shootouts which comes in handy because the D gives away points like candy at Halloween.

SD @ KC: This tilt should be a foregone conclusion. In the last six games the Chiefs have the fifth-best O and the #1 D. Perhaps Rivers will go nuts but he’ll more than likely have an ugly, turnover-heavy day.

Was @ Chi: Against his better judgement RB Pierre Thomas signed with Washington recently. These are two 5-7 teams that don’t know what to do with themselves. The Slurs are winless on the road and Chicago has one lousy win at home. I’m guessing both teams wander aimlessly around the field all game long, a field goal near the end is missed, hands are shaken after the clock has run out and no one ever speaks of this again.

Atl @ Car: This was a fantastic game around wk. 5 or 6 of the season but for Atlanta the L’s have been coming fast and furious since then. Why? Perhaps it has something to do with leading the league in drives ending with a TO-16.5% of the time Ryan finds a defender with a throw or he and his cohorts fumble it away. I’m not sure if you’ve been made aware of this but the Panthers are undefeated at home! CB Norman recently said that WR Who-who-Julio “completes me”. Whaaa?

Sea @ Bal: What does ignoring new plaything TE Graham for most of the year (until he went on IR) get you? For QB Wilson, according to Pro Football Focus, the second-highest QB ranking of 98.98. Somebody has done a half-decent job for the Seahawks given the loss of Graham and Lynch and the late arrival of S Chancellor. Perhaps it’s time we gave that swaggering, gum-chewing ex-college coach a bit of credit.

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entropy

There is apparently some sort of dogfight going on in the alleyway behind my house.

King Hippo

tell Ookie we said HAI

Spur

Put money on the one owned by the Mexican

fleshwound_NPG

FORTEDOWN

Spur

Mccarron wants another pick six apparently

Redshirt

Another Bengals just went into the Locker Room. What happens if a team can’t field 11 players?

Gratliff

The Houston Texans

American Pie Story

Volunteers from the audience?

Spur

Assistant Coaches suit up

ThePirateSloth

Someone calls Rudy.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

HIGHTOWERDOWN!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Wtf is this nonsense. Bears D got a turnover?

John Difool

The [*Redacted] s always seem to allow their opponents to do new and amazing things week after week

entropy

Charlie Whitehurst looks like one of those guys that “walks across the land” with a cross with a wheel on the bottom of it.

fleshwound_NPG

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ThePirateSloth

Hey! That’s my line!

Sharkbait

Titans did a good?

American Pie Story

i suddenly want a miniature pony

Sharkbait

By law you have to name it Lil’ Sebastian.

American Pie Story

But of course

Spur

Wow, that’s one of the cleanest sacks I’ve ever seen on Ben. Very rare.

fleshwound_NPG

Charlie Whitehurst manbun time!

Bortleback

You mean Clipboard Jesus

American Pie Story

Oh god noooooooo

King Hippo

Clipboard Jesus does not strike your fancy? HE DERPS FOAR OUR SINS!

American Pie Story

True story: I had no idea Clipboard Jesus was the third string until like two weeks ago

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Redshirt

…go on.

entropy

Titans O Line: while it is tempting, it is illegal to simply tackle oncoming rushers. Yours, the NFL.

Spur

Why is Cam still in this game?

Spanky Datass
Moonbatting Average

This pic will never get old

Spanky Datass

Unless Anderson gets traded … but then I’ll get to MAKE A NEW ONE!!!!11!!

King Hippo

I mean, I understand the MVP campaign value…BUT THIS 110%

entropy

Me-first gloryboy nonsense.

King Hippo

Todd Gurley, not dead. WHO KNEW?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
blaxabbath

The [*Redacted] s looks like a playoff team. Specifically, the playoff team that makes it an easy argument to change the division champs host games playoff structure.

WCS

Dear Range Rover:

Your vehicles cannot actually transverse bodies of water.
See attached:
comment image

My rage knows no bounds.

Yours,

Dennis Reynolds

ThursdaySkyGoddess

CATLERDOWN 2: The Indifferencing

bourb0nblues

“easy release to the inside” … heh heh heh

King Hippo

Dok needs to get down to field level and fix that defense’s shit.

Gratliff

If the Eagles hold on today, they’ll have beaten every AFC East team except Miami. What the fuck is that?

entropy

Jets offense is clicking, D is playing well, AND their first penalty comes almost halfway through the 3rd quarter?

Bullshit. This isn’t reality. This is the goddamn Matrix.

fleshwound_NPG

Clots Special Teams: evergreen shit

American Pie Story

McAfee is the only saving grace tbh

fleshwound_NPG

Both kickers the only highlights, making them basically the Tecmo Super Bowl Clots

Gratliff

Jeeeeeeeeeeezus, Clots.

American Pie Story

Oh for fuck’s sake

King Hippo

I sorry, Pie. It came on the RedZone and I was like, she gon be upset…

American Pie Story

That was two in a row!!!!

Spur

AJ is going to get AJ killed

Redshirt

How is that any different with Dalton trying to get AJ killed?

Spur

You tend to like people you share a first name with

bourb0nblues

Slightly more soul.

Redshirt

Revised Bengals Game Plan: Throw it to AJ, AJ!

Bortleback

The Steelers can’t possibly keep track of 2 AJs!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Really, Redslurs? Idiotic penalty.

ThePirateSloth

Fallout 4: A Boy and His Dog

King Hippo

I have the most beautiful opiate buzz right now. PLEAZ don;t ruin it, Donks.

Also, PLEAZ win tonight LUNCHPAIL JJ WATTS so we’uns can lose in Yinzburgh next week and still be the #1 seed.

Yours in Christ,

Hippo

ThePirateSloth

#nightmarefuel

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

For the Raiders?

King Hippo

I am going to giggle at this for at least 10 minutes.

blaxabbath

Thank God! Fox is bailing on CAR/ATL to the CHI/SLURS game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Commenting in the “older comments” section works well for me; no controversy.

Spur

Dead Steelers litter the field

WCS

Stillers are just out there havin’ fun, murdering each other like deer in a pond.

Recovery Whiskey

Charmdown to ADB.

entropy

Being a Jets fan, I’m usually on the opposite side of this, but I love it when the commentators are stuck in a blowout and have to start finding ways to keep themselves from saying the losing team sucks. They use phrases like, “This is a young team,” “they’re playing well together,” all kinds of shit, usually culminating in “they just can’t get anything going.”

In short, they SUCK.

Bortleback
entropy

Pretty much exactly like that, yeah.

bourb0nblues

Stiller on Stiller violence!

Redshirt

Hey, Steelers can get hurt too?

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

Stillers getting McCarried straight into the playoffs right now…. Yinzer fans being regaled by joyous Christmas McCarols right now…. Steeler D just straight feasting on delicious AJ Macaroons right now

Bortleback

Roll towel?

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

*goes back into too lazy to even comment hibernation*

Spur

AJ threw 2 touchdowns on 3 passes. Not bad

Bortleback

That’s the Matt Schaub model of quarterbacking

entropy

“A completion is a completion.”

–Johnny Fucking Football.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

REEDDOWN!

Geez [*Redacted] s

King Hippo

I think I heard Dok’s shriek both times (agony and joy).

bourb0nblues

Jordan Reed with the redemption.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

reedemption*

/ Ill show myself out

John Difool

That was so very [*Redacted] s of the [*Redacted] s

ThePirateSloth

FoxSportsGo keeps showing the same Jack In The Box Buttery Burger commercial… sometimes 3 times in a row. I’m either going to go crazy (don’t mind if I do!) from hunger, or I’m gonna ignore the rest of football and eat burgers.