A Churlish Dickhead’s Christmas Carol: Part 5

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

DAN SNYDER: ….OOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

SNYDER bolts upright in bed. He is in his Georgetown apartment. The storm has ended and Washington D.C. is covered in snow.

SNYDER: My eyes have been opened! I have seen the true path!

The GHOST OF SEAN TAYLOR appears, smiling rapturously. He is joined by the GHOST OF JACK KENT COOKE, who gives TAYLOR a begrudging pat on the shoulder.

COOKE: Well, you were right, Sean. Looks like I owe you some coke.

TAYLOR: That’s *a* Coke, Jack.

COOKE: Oh!  My mistake, looks like I can tell Marlene that trip to Bolivia won’t be necessary.

SNYDER: [sees them, is unafraid] Good sirs, I have changed!  The [*Redacted] s name will change!  What day is it?

COOKE: [benevolently] It is Christmas Day, Dan.

SNYDER: Then there’s still time! [he leaps from bed and rushes to a window that overlooks the street, throwing it open to where a group of children is playing in the snow] You there! Running around like a kid!

favre

BRETT FAVRE: Me, sir? Are you talking to me?

SNYDER: Fetch me a goose!

FAVRE: Sure thing! [inappropriately squeezes the buttocks of a passerby]

Jenn-Sterger-Wearing-Jacket

JENN STERGER: Hey!

SNYDER: No, no, I mean a large goose! A COLLOSSAL one!

ines2

INES SAINTZ: Hey!

SNYDER: No, no, I mean the kind that you eat.

smoot

FRED SMOOT: Nah, dawg, I already checked – the ladies are off-duty today.

SNYDER: No, no, I mean, I want you to buy one [tosses dollar coin down to FAVRE].

FAVRE: [looks at coin] You know, a Christmas goose is gonna cost more than just a dollar. You know what? [tosses coin back up to SNYDER]

COIN: [is intercepted]

FAVRE: I tell you what, it’s hunting season. I’ll go out and fetch you one myself. [dons hunting gear]

favre-hunt

PETER KING: [ejaculates]

SNYDER: Thank you! Oh thank you!

TAYLOR: You see, the gift of that goose can make the Gruden’s Christmas into something truly wonderful and memorable…

SNYDER: Gruden? That feeble-minded oaf? That’s not for him.

COOKE: It’s not?

SNYDER: Goodness, no. It’s for Rupert Murdoch.

TAYLOR: [trepidatiously] Why?

SNYDER: Because he owns one of the most powerful media companies in this country and I’ll need him on my side.  You see, I realized what the true meaning of being an NFL Owner is!

COOKE: You did?

SNYDER: It’s not about winning, or trophies, or Super Bowls.

TAYLOR: It’s not?

SNYDER: No!  It’s about making money!  Piles and piles of money!  Millions upon millions!

COOKE: Oh dear God.

SNYDER: Nobody is going to buy more [*Redacted] s merchandise if they think the team’s name might change.  So I’ll change it! To the                   !

TAYLOR: You can’t be serious.

SNYDER: Oh, but I am!  The Cowboys are “America’s Team”, but the                    will be REAL America’s Team.

COOKE: I feel ill.

SNYDER: It’s perfect!  A good mascot is something powerful and frightening.  And there’s nothing that these people are more terrified of than the savage and barbarous                  !

TAYLOR: But that’s offensive to…SO many people.  I don’t know where to begin!

SNYDER: It’s not offensive to the NFL’s biggest market – straight white males…

COOKE: But who in this country would root for you?

SNYDER: There are entire parts of the country that are RIPE for NFL fandom to take hold.  West Virginia!  Arkansas!  Oklahoma!  And the Deep South…everywhere you find a fan of SEC football, you’ll soon find a fan of the                   !  And they’ll fight for the name the same way they fight for their precious guns!  In fact…yes, we’ll put one in the new logo!  And work “cold dead hands” into a new slogan!

COOKE: This is unconscionable.

SNYDER: You sound like a badge-wearing member of the PC Police!  Sorry, buddy, but we believe in freedom of speech here!

SNYDER’S eyes grow wide and a lunatic grin crosses his face.  His eyes take on a faraway look, as he begins to see his scheme taking shape.  

SNYDER: Ha ha ha ha ha!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

TAYLOR: He’s lost his mind.

COOKE: Indeed he has.  I guess it’s not surprising, he has been hallucinating for the last twelve hours.  Ah well, at least we tried.

A cellphone notification pings with the tune from “Too Many Cooks”

COOKE: [checks phone] Looks like Marlene has already completed her trip.  What do you say we make this a White Christmas?

TAYLOR: Sounds good to me, man.  Let’s get out of here.

SNYDER continues to laugh villainously as SEAN TAYLOR and JACK KENT COOKE fade away into nothingness.  The scene fades to black and all we hear is SNYDER’S laughter followed by occasional cries of “Here we go                   , here we go!” 

[The End]

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Oh yeah. That’s my kind of holiday cheer. Merry Christmas to all.

The Maestro

Merry, merry merry Christmas to you all here. Been a pretty grand day here so far… sitting down to turkey or so in a vintage Pavel Bure Canucks jersey, so pretty stoked to add that to my collection of old sports shit.

More importantly, if you’re drunk enough that you’d even consider watching literally the worst TV show of all time, I found a link online to the Star Wars Holiday Special… it is unbelievably awful. Like impressively so. Somehow, I had never seen it up until now, and I’d have to say that my life is the opposite of enriched having now filled this void. It is 97 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Anyhow, here you are:


The Star Wars Holiday Special by kryptofreak

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Breakfast Vagina
Smokey and the Vagina
Full Metal Vagina
Vagina (only one word in the title …)
Raiders of the lost Vagina
Cloudy With a Chance of Vagina
To Live and Let Vagina
Planes Trains and Vaginas
It’s a wonderful vagina.
Miracle on Vagina Street
When Harry Met Vagina
Down and out in Beverly Vagina
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Vaginas
Vagina Unchained
Eternal Vagina of the Spotless Mind
Breakfast at Vaginas
The Spy Who Loved Vagina
The Vagina Games
Vagina Runner

ballsofsteelandfury

Cloudy Vagina with a Chance of Meatballs.

FTFY

...

That’s a list that would make Carly Fiorina blush.

Aside: it’s a shame Trump is monopolizing the horrible human being running for president category because I really wish we could shine a light on the awfulness of Fiorina and Cruz.

...

The idea of Dan Snyder being irredeemably evil warms my heart as much as a Christmas bourbon.

King Hippo

Best. Christmas. Ever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

May your encounters with relatives and the various chosen interlopers who were chosen by others to integrate themselves into your once comfort zone.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/bill-clinton%e2%80%99s-hope-ark-home-torched-in-suspected-arson/ar-BBnUWVS?ocid=spartanntp

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shit! May those encounters be pleasantly surprising or at least tolerable.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/d09dfd933a0d43f64dee311d4e2798ab/tumblr_nzvuv19BQV1u7t71ro1_1280.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What is a terrist?

...

I love the idea that Obama must embody everything evil and opposite of that large woman’s values.

Horatio Cornblower

I love the idea that someone who went out in public dressed like that still has clothing that has to be dry cleaned.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

Happy Christmas, ya cheesedicks. I hope to periodically check in as the day progresses. We’re going to tell the families about the new WCS on the way. That should be… an experience.

jjfozz

I remember dreading telling my father that I had a third Fozz on the way. When I told him he said, “You gotta be kidding me! Let’s go get a drink, you’re gonna need more of those in the future.” Then man hugs were dispensed, eyes got teary, and we went and got into bourble.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Gifts opened. Money spent. Bourbon flowing.

Merry Xmas, you buncha gorillas.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Old School Zero

Hear, hear! I second this!

ballsofsteelandfury

Triple!

jjfozz

Yup, you said it. I hope all of you have a healthy, wealthy, whatever-you-celebrate.

I’m working out my liver to keep in shape for the playoff binge watching.

Is it wrong to take anxiety medication with a shot of Kettel One? I’m asking for a friend.