A Churlish Dickhead’s Christmas Carol: Part 5

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

DAN SNYDER: ….OOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

SNYDER bolts upright in bed. He is in his Georgetown apartment. The storm has ended and Washington D.C. is covered in snow.

SNYDER: My eyes have been opened! I have seen the true path!

The GHOST OF SEAN TAYLOR appears, smiling rapturously. He is joined by the GHOST OF JACK KENT COOKE, who gives TAYLOR a begrudging pat on the shoulder.

COOKE: Well, you were right, Sean. Looks like I owe you some coke.

TAYLOR: That’s *a* Coke, Jack.

COOKE: Oh!  My mistake, looks like I can tell Marlene that trip to Bolivia won’t be necessary.

SNYDER: [sees them, is unafraid] Good sirs, I have changed!  The Redskins name will change!  What day is it?

COOKE: [benevolently] It is Christmas Day, Dan.

SNYDER: Then there’s still time! [he leaps from bed and rushes to a window that overlooks the street, throwing it open to where a group of children is playing in the snow] You there! Running around like a kid!

BRETT FAVRE: Me, sir? Are you talking to me?

SNYDER: Fetch me a goose!

FAVRE: Sure thing! [inappropriately squeezes the buttocks of a passerby]

JENN STERGER: Hey!

SNYDER: No, no, I mean a large goose! A COLLOSSAL one!

INES SAINTZ: Hey!

SNYDER: No, no, I mean the kind that you eat.

FRED SMOOT: Nah, dawg, I already checked – the ladies are off-duty today.

SNYDER: No, no, I mean, I want you to buy one [tosses dollar coin down to FAVRE].

FAVRE: [looks at coin] You know, a Christmas goose is gonna cost more than just a dollar. You know what? [tosses coin back up to SNYDER]

COIN: [is intercepted]

FAVRE: I tell you what, it’s hunting season. I’ll go out and fetch you one myself. [dons hunting gear]

PETER KING: [ejaculates]

SNYDER: Thank you! Oh thank you!

TAYLOR: You see, the gift of that goose can make the Gruden’s Christmas into something truly wonderful and memorable…

SNYDER: Gruden? That feeble-minded oaf? That’s not for him.

COOKE: It’s not?

SNYDER: Goodness, no. It’s for Rupert Murdoch.

TAYLOR: [trepidatiously] Why?

SNYDER: Because he owns one of the most powerful media companies in this country and I’ll need him on my side.  You see, I realized what the true meaning of being an NFL Owner is!

COOKE: You did?

SNYDER: It’s not about winning, or trophies, or Super Bowls.

TAYLOR: It’s not?

SNYDER: No!  It’s about making money!  Piles and piles of money!  Millions upon millions!

COOKE: Oh dear God.

SNYDER: Nobody is going to buy more Redskins merchandise if they think the team’s name might change.  So I’ll change it! To the                   !

TAYLOR: You can’t be serious.

SNYDER: Oh, but I am!  The Cowboys are “America’s Team”, but the                    will be REAL America’s Team.

COOKE: I feel ill.

SNYDER: It’s perfect!  A good mascot is something powerful and frightening.  And there’s nothing that these people are more terrified of than the savage and barbarous                  !

TAYLOR: But that’s offensive to…SO many people.  I don’t know where to begin!

SNYDER: It’s not offensive to the NFL’s biggest market – straight white males…

COOKE: But who in this country would root for you?

SNYDER: There are entire parts of the country that are RIPE for NFL fandom to take hold.  West Virginia!  Arkansas!  Oklahoma!  And the Deep South…everywhere you find a fan of SEC football, you’ll soon find a fan of the                   !  And they’ll fight for the name the same way they fight for their precious guns!  In fact…yes, we’ll put one in the new logo!  And work “cold dead hands” into a new slogan!

COOKE: This is unconscionable.

SNYDER: You sound like a badge-wearing member of the PC Police!  Sorry, buddy, but we believe in freedom of speech here!

SNYDER’S eyes grow wide and a lunatic grin crosses his face.  His eyes take on a faraway look, as he begins to see his scheme taking shape.  

SNYDER: Ha ha ha ha ha!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

TAYLOR: He’s lost his mind.

COOKE: Indeed he has.  I guess it’s not surprising, he has been hallucinating for the last twelve hours.  Ah well, at least we tried.

A cellphone notification pings with the tune from “Too Many Cooks”

COOKE: [checks phone] Looks like Marlene has already completed her trip.  What do you say we make this a White Christmas?

TAYLOR: Sounds good to me, man.  Let’s get out of here.

SNYDER continues to laugh villainously as SEAN TAYLOR and JACK KENT COOKE fade away into nothingness.  The scene fades to black and all we hear is SNYDER’S laughter followed by occasional cries of “Here we go                   , here we go!” 

[The End]