An incredibly handsome internet writer lounges on a couch. A pair of adorable animals are cuddled together in his lap.

[blinks]

Hmm, my eye itches.

[unconsciously rubs eye]

Ah. That’s better.  That’s…ow. That’s starting to…OWWWW! Ow! Ah! My eye!

Ow, this…yeah, I guess I was cutting jalapenos. But that was an hour ago. And I washed the dishes, there shouldn’t be any pepper oils left on my…OW! This is really starting to burn.

[pulls out tablet]

[types in “pepper eye re”]

Ah, blessed autofill. Why yes, Google, I would love to see the listings for “pepper eye remedy” Thank you!

[clicks on very first link in search results]

“What to Do If You Get Hot Pepper in Your Eye (Seriously …)” sounds like it should have the information I need. Perfect.

First, I would just like to say that the number-one solution for the pain of hot pepper in your eye is simply to wear gloves while cutting peppers and NEVER EVER TOUCH YOUR EYE after cutting them.

That’s really great advice, but we’re well past that stage. Barn door, horses, all that. You know.

However, since I was not quite so smart last Friday, I had to come up with another remedy.

Okay, good, the remedy. That’s what I’m here for, let’s get to it!

It all started so innocently. We needed to leave for our homeschool PE class that morning, but I was trying to get some of the peppers from our garden cut up and frozen before we left. My husband Matt has been the pepper guy at our house most of this summer so I was not aware that some of them were of the very freakishly hot variety. (They were shaped like tiny sweet bell peppers.)

You know, my eye is kind of hurting here. Meaning it’s sort of difficult to read. So, if we could…

Listen, I’m trying to be polite here, and if my vision weren’t blurred by copious amounts of liquid flowing from my eyeball, I’m sure those peppers would look very nice. But I don’t care about your peppers, or your garden, or how many of them you cut up and put in the damned freezer. I care about finding some kind of relief for this burning sensation in my eye. That is why I am here.

I got all the peppers cut up and put away, cleaned up my mess, and washed my hands. I then proceeded to help get the boys ready to head out the door for PE. My eye was itchy…and so I scratched it.

Bad idea.

Oh, you think? I KNOW IT’S A BAD IDEA I JUST DID IT MYSELF PLEASE HELP ME.

As if someone had lit a match on my eyeball, I shrieked and turned in a circle (because I didn’t know where to go or what to do). I believe that little move is called the Eyeball Fire Ballet Step.

YES, THAT’S RIGHT, IT FUCKING HURTS I AM WELL AWARE OF THIS. MY EYE FEELS LIKE ONE OF THOSE NAZIS AT THE END OF RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT STOP?

I then ran out of the kitchen and upstairs to Matt, who was (thankfully) home that morning. Neither of us really knew what to do, but I quickly put a cold, wet washrag on my eye. This brought a small amount of relief, which is good because all four boys (who aren’t used to seeing their mom run screaming out of the kitchen) had made their way upstairs to see if I was still alive. At least I was able to look up at them with one eye, and a half smile, to give them a little assurance that I was okay. Matt went ahead and loaded up the boys to take them to PE. I decided to stay home and be miserable. The pain was not going away, and was in fact creeping all the way up to my forehead and all the way down to my chin (not kidding), making me feel as though I might pass out. I have a pretty high pain threshold, but wow.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR IDIOT HUSBAND OR YOUR STUPID SNOT-NOSED SHITHEAD KIDS! I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HOW UNPLEASANT IT WAS FOR YOU. I CARE ABOUT THIS FUCKING BURNING PAIN IN *MY* EYEBALL HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?

With the cold wash rag over my burning eye, I somehow did a search on “hot pepper in the eye” to see what I needed to do. Did I need to go to the ER? Could they maybe take off my face so that the intense pain would stop?

GUESS WHAT? I DID THE SAME SEARCH! WITH AN IDENTICAL IMPARIMENT! DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT SOMEONE IN A SIMILAR PREDICAMENT DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING LIFE STORY AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO JUST GET TO THE GODDAMNED POINT?

I finally found a suggestion to use a shot glass full of whole milk to wash the eye, which…

[runs to kitchen, dumps milk into shot glass, holds against eye]

[feels somewhat better]

[rinses out shot glass]

[pours whiskey into shot glass]

[fin]