INT. SCOTT HANSON’S OFFICE – DAY

VARIABLE KENT is sitting in an office chair, having just finished telling his story.  SCOTT HANSON is standing silently, fascinated by KENT’s unbelievable story of intrigue, betrayal, and murder.  PETER KING is seated on the edge of HANSON’s desk, sipping his coffee and staring blithely at the bric-a-brac filling the office.

VARIABLE: …and that’s it.

HANSON: That’s incredible.  Peter, don’t you think…Peter?

KING: [snapping to attention] What?  Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about the Red Sox pitching situation.

HANSON: Weren’t you listening?  That explains all of it – the reversal of the ownership vote on the Carson stadium site, Josh Gordon’s suspension, the assassination of Will Smith, the whereabouts of Junior Galette’s belt…

KING: [distracted] Oh, yes, yes, very good story.  [muses] Do you think John Farrell should push Steven Wright into the starting rotation?

HANSON: [to VARIABLE] Do an interview with us.  Tell the whole story on the air.  We can protect you.

VARIABLE: No way.  I’m not hanging around here, my Uber will be here any minute.

HANSON: Your Uber canceled the ride twenty minutes ago.  Management wants you out of here ASAP unless you do an interview.

VARIABLE: I’ll take my chances, thank you.

HANSON: If Gregg Williams has a bounty out on you, someone is gonna get you, you know that.

VARIABLE: Maybe so.  But I’m not a rat. [stands up, limps to the doorway, and looks back].  Fuckin’ reporters…

VARIABLE limps away and out of the NFL Network building as SCOTT HANSON and PETER KING remain in the office.  PETER KING wanders over to the table and begins pawing at the various packages.

KING: What is all this stuff?

HANSON: [sighs]  My wife…she doesn’t want packages sitting outside out house – afraid someone might steal them – so she ships everything here.

KING: [picking up a metal item at the edge of the table]  What’s this thing?

HANSON: You’ve never seen one of those before?  It’s a garlic press.  You put the garlic in and use that little plunger to mash it through the screen.

KING: A single tool just for mashing garlic?

HANSON: Nah, you can use it for other stuff too.  Olives, capers…ginger…

PETER KING’S eyes flash and the camera focuses on his hands, which lose their grip of the garlic press.  It tumbles to the ground in slow motion.  As it hits the floor it breaks into several pieces, the fragments spinning back up into the air as VARIABLE’s voice sounds in his head.

VARIABLE: (voiceover) There was a commissioner.  Gingerhammer…

The camera follows PETER KING’s point of view as he glances at the various items on the table and the wall and a series of lines from VARIABLE and other characters are played in rapid succession.  The various items and images illustrate the genesis of VARIABLE’s story; everything he said was inspired by something he saw in the office.  PETER blinks, yawns, and casts a bovine stare at the wreckage of the garlic press, smiling placidly.  

KING: Sorry about that.  Never was much of an athlete.

But SCOTT HANSON has figured it out and races out of the office in pursuit of VARIABLE.

HANSON: [stopping briefly at a receptionist’s desk] Variable!  Did you see him?

RECEPTIONIST: Huh, I…

HANSON: The cripple, which way did he go?

Without waiting for an answer HANSON races out onto the street.

—

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

VARIABLE KENT walks away from the NFL Network building, along Washington Boulevard.  The camera focuses on his damaged leg.  As we watch, his foot turns forward and he begins to walk more quickly, more naturally.  Within a few steps he is practically skipping with the grace of an accomplished athlete.

—

INT. NFL NETWORK OFFICES – DAY

Still smiling placidly, PETER KING lumbers out of SCOTT HANSON’s office.  As he passes a fax machine it begins beeping and flashing, so he stops to regard it, like an oblivious cow being surprised by the appearance of the sunrise.  The fax machine chatters and spits out a piece of paper.

PETER KING: What the…?

The fax machine chatters again and spits out another piece of paper.

PETER KING: [smiling] Such a smile!  That Russell Wilson sure is a fine young man… [wanders off]

—

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

VARIABLE KENT – now identified as ROBERT GRIFFIN III – continues walking until he reaches a streetcorner.  A luxury vehicle pulls up on the opposite side of the street and the window rolls down.  The occupant of the vehicle turns and makes eye contact with GRIFFIN.  

GRIFFIN smiles, and steps out into the crosswalk to join KROENKE in the vehicle.  As soon as he is halfway across the street, a brown Oldsmobile, moving at a recklessly high rate of speed and belching thick black smoke from its exhaust, careens through the intersection and runs him over.  The driver speeds away, laughing, and laughing, and laughing…

VARIABLE: (voiceover) My guess is, he’ll never start a game in this league again…

Fade to black.

—

INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A pair of slick Hollywood producers have just finished listening to a pitch.  

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: I don’t get it.

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: Me neither.

RTD: [diplomatically] It was very…interesting…but…

DTZM: There are a few plot holes.

BRYAN SINGER: No no, you see, Variable Kent WAS Robert Griffin the Third.

RTD: Well, sure, but how did Amari Cooper get the diamonds out of Jerry Jones’ safety deposit box?

DTZM: And why did Mike McCoy betray the gang?

SINGER: No, but…

RTD: And how did Boltman get away with beating that guy to death with his bare hands in broad daylight in the middle of a crowded mall…

DTZM: And how does Jeff Fisher keep his job after generating such a mediocre record year after year after year…

SINGER: [losing his patience]  IT’S ALL MADE UP!  THE WHOLE STORY WAS JUST A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT THAT GRIFFIN MADE UP TO THROW OFF THE REPORTERS.  GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO IDIOTS THAT WAS MADE PERFECTLY CLEAR AT THE END!  IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HE TOLD THEM – HE’S WHAT’S CALLED AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AND YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYTHING THAT HE SAID!  ALL THAT STUFF MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED OR IT MIGHT HAVE NOT HAPPENED AND WE’LL NEVER KNOW THE REAL STORY!

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS AND RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY sit frowning for a moment.

DTZM: Gonna have to give this one a hard pass, Bryan.  Maybe take it over to Old School Zero at Sony.

RTD: [snorts with laughter] Ha ha, he’ll option anything.

SINGER: Ugh.  [reaches up and begins rubbing the bridge of his nose] Dealing with you guys stresses me out.  I need to go hit the hot tub and get my hands on a twink. [gets up and leaves]

DTZM: He said “drink”, right?

RIKKI: Of course.  He just pronounces it funny cause…you know.

—