Your “ONE WEEK UNTIL THE DRAFT !!!1!1!!!” Thursday Open Thread

FINALLY, purpose has come back to the NFL. The first round is a week today, and none too soon for the starved fetishists of the Commentist Party. SO MUCH INTRIGUE!

  • Who will be picked first?
  • Are there any more trades to be made?
  • How will the 49ers screw up their pick? How will they blame Jim Tomsula?
  • Whose draft hobo is crazier – Haslam’s or Jones’?
  • Oh god; the Broncos are sticking with Sanchez, aren’t they?!
  • Is that blood or BBQ sauce on Andy Reid?
  • He can’t be that happy to be going to the Jags?

As usual, my only interest will be how loud the boos are for Roger Goodell, and who attempts to squeeze the life out of him when they walk on stage. Oh, and seeing whether I’m a better prognosticator than Peter King.

How every owner sees themselves.

Dallas already has their board wrecked, since Demarcus Lawrence is in line for a four-game suspension after failing a drug test. Josh Gordon thinks that’s weak game. Nice of them to release the info on 4/20, although I doubt it was for the ganja.

Anybody got a clue why the Panthers would rescind Josh Norman’s franchise tag? Sure, $14 million is a lot, but he does his job fairly well, and I don’t think Luke Kuechly can keep up with ODB. Various sites and speculation are just focused on cap space, but I think the DeMarco Murray experiment in Philly is foreshadowing for someone looking for a check, not a chance. Besides – Chip Kelly isn’t signing another black guy to a big contract; he’ll be too busy running Kaepernick out of town.

Odds & Ends:

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Yes. Yes he did. And yes, it did.

Since my mother informed me about this, I wonder if Michael Strahan moving to “Good Morning America” means he’ll have to give up his FOX gig? [“Robert? Did he play for the Giants when you went to Green Bay that time it was so cold your beer froze?] It’s one thing for him to be on a syndicated program like “LIVE!”, but GMA is a network show broadcast by a company with hard ESPN ties. Erin Andrews is his co-anchor all week, while Kelly Ripa is off sulking, and she has jobs on both FOX (sideline reporter) and ABC (“Dancing With the Stars” host).  There are some interesting issues that come out of this, the least important of which is, is ABC telling Keyshawn and Cris that they don’t draw in the ladies?

He somehow got tired of this.

The ESPN story by Wright Thompson on Tiger Woods is just bonkers. His attempt to be SEAL Team Six-Under-Par is the craziest part. He draws a pretty good comparison to MJ and the baseball experiment. It also attempts to explain what led to all of the cheating, which I will never fathom, mostly because I hate my old man. Here’s the section most people are referencing:

The sexual bravado hid his awkwardness around women. One night he went to a club in New York with Derek Jeter and Michael Jordan. Jeter and Jordan circulated, talking with ease to one beautiful woman after another. (Both declined to comment about the episode.) At one point, Tiger walked up to them and asked the question that lives in the heart of every junior high boy and nearly every grown man too.

“What do you do to talk to girls?”

Jeter and Jordan looked at each other, then back at Tiger, sort of stunned.

Go tell ’em you’re Tiger Woods, they said.

If you have a little time to kill, or you’re dropping the browns off at the super bowl, it won’t waste your time.

Sports: Tonight’s playoff action has the potential for two teams exiting the Stanley Cup race. Go Blues! The NBA’s first round isn’t done until May, so no worries there yet.

NHL: 

  • Pittsburgh @ NY Rangers – 7:00 (Penguins up 2-1)
  • Detroit @ Tampa – 7:00 (Lightning up 3-1)
  • Anaheim @ Nashville – 8:00 (Predators up 2-1)
  • Chicago @ St. Louis – 9:30 (Blues up 3-1)

NBA:

  • OKC @ Dallas – 7:00
  • Toronto @ Indians – 7:30
  • Golden State @ Houston – 9:30

Finally, remember that, in all things, you must become a prince before you’re king anyway.

 

I’m not crying; it’s the weather. RAIN HARDER!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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laserguru

Has there ever been a worse beatdown in sports history than being no hit AND losing 16-0?

Woo! Jake is kicking ass! This is his second no hitter in his what? last 12 starts?

Bad motherfucking ASS!

Porky Prime

In the beginning, God made the sea
But on the seventh day, He made Me
He was tryin to rest y’all, when he heard a sound
Sound like a guitar, cold gettin down
Tried to bust a high note, but I bust a string
My God was worried…til He heard me sing
MY NAME IS PRINCE

WCS

Kayne’s autobiography?

ALXMAC

“Pussy got bank in her pockets
Before she got dick in her drawers
If brother didn’t have good and plenty of his own
In love Pussy never did fall
And this fool named Trick wanna stick her
Uh, talkin’ more Schick than a Bic
‘Bout how he gonna make Pussy a star
If she come and sing a lick on his hit
Pussy said “Nigga, U crazy if U don’t know
Every woman in the world ain’t a freak
U can go platinum 4 times
Still couldn’t make what I make in a week
So push up on somebody wanna hear that
Cuz this somebody here don’t wanna know
Boy, U better act like U understand
When U roll with Pussy Control”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m off to bed, Hippo, have the car ready to take me to DIA around 8.

Brocky

Awww Shucks, all the posters will have two wait another two days to rag on the hawks.

Just got home after watching the majority of the game out. Hope everyone had a pleasant evening.

Wakezilla
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’d go for the batsignal

Wakezilla

I’d go for everything. She’s well put together

Porky Prime

Raycess hat. 2/10.

WCS

WELP. Chicago wins the Cup again.

Wakezilla

Nah. I think they’re going to run out of juice before then. Especially on D.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game solely exists to keep me awake and make me sleep through my flight tomorrow morning

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Wakezilla

I’ll pick Backes for Ice #BFIB to score in Double OT within the first 5 minutes and Panarnin to score for Ice Bears within the last 10 minutes.

WCS

Also, I want to notify the Commentist Party that the dog, whom I really, truly thought was doomed last night has made a genuinely remarkable recovery, and was back to normal by 10:00 this morning. She’s napping happily in the bedroom.

Wakezilla

Alright! That’s great to hear!

Porky Prime

NICE.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
WCS

As an unapologetic Stillers fan, this article brought me great joy. HARF HARF

Wakezilla

Classic Browns

WCS

I see Houston defeated a Steph Curry-less Golden State squad tonight. Can’t wait for the Jim Rome HAWT TAEK tomorrow when he completely reneges on his previous HAWT TAEK on Tuesday to make Curry sit for the rest of the series, where the Warriors would easily sweep without or without Curry.
Rome can’t wait to say the Warriors completely doofed by, “NAWT LETTING STEPH PLAY. BE SMAHRTER, GUYS. YOU’RE BETTER THAHN THIS.”

Wakezilla

Jim Rome is the worst.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wish they would have let Everett kill him.

Wakezilla

Jesus, stop showing pictures of fans emotions. Just because they’re the Ice #BFIB, doesn’t mean you should show clips of fans showing emotion because it’s the playoffs.

Also, why on earth is that one guy wearing a Tampa Bay lightning shirt? Da fuq?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Either I’m way drunker than I thought, or the NBCSN feed is choppy as fuck

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Wakezilla

Lets go Ice #BFIB!

So, did any celebs die in the last 8 hours?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Wakezilla

Great googily moogily!

Where does one go to find this delicious heart attack?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I couldn’t find it, but hash-browns, egg, cheese, hot sauce on a bun is pretty easy to make. For the man on the go.*

*Who wants a yoke stain on his shirt.

WCS

My arteries clogged 25% by looking at that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have a friend who eats cake/pie with a spoon. He’s a pod person, right?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Reasons I’m pissed about this game going to OT:

1) I’m only going to get drunker before I have to wake up early for a flight
2) The Hawks shouldn’t have blown a 2 goal lead
3) Profit?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

A positive is I am just shitfaced at this point so you will get boobs every 5 minutes, and if you give suggestions they will be boobs you want to see.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Suggestion: Aristocrats!

rockingdog

warriors….. damn

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Wow, I had no idea Satan was so knowledgeable and generous with his time.”

http://memeguy.com/photos/images/that-awkward-moment-when-satan-is-a-perfectly-acceptable-option-for-your-kids-167491.jpg

WCS

#CholesterolLyfe

WCS
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Wakezilla

Someone did their squats

BrettFavresColonoscopy

We just had a “we’re American, we speak American” non-ironically from the Hawks fans. That’s my cue to relocate so I don’t snap.

WCS

BALOOSE

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Why is that not a goal?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Because you touch yourself

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If that mattered they wouldn’t have won 3 cups and got 96 points this year

rockingdog

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Come on I wanted to hear the end of the announcers tirade.

WCS

I would let her do unspeakable things to me. Like, watch Gigli or Priest.

WCS

Part of the Andy Reid Upgrade Package.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Booooooooo

WCS

I was saying “Bah-loooooos.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I’ve got nothing tonight boyos.

rockingdog

wait is this the same person who is now a woman?
the Katlyn Jenner??

David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger whilst inebriated.

rockingdog

sorry. my bad.

rockingdog

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rockingdog

come on warriors….
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van