I’m not a Monday guy. I’m a work-hard-play-hard SOB who wakes up at the beginning of every week exhausted and in no mood for anyone’s bullshit. Yes, I know I can use Sunday evening to prepare myself for the week ahead. Then again, I can also use it to enjoy myself since it’s one of the two days a week that I get off to do what I want and, typically, the only day in which I’m not taking care of some bullshit (this Saturday was fixing pickets and installing electric fence wire around our chicken area). So my morning BM is an immediate reminder of my poor weekend dietary choices; the rushed shower and subsequent hunt for ‘work clothes’ illustrates that I am not ready for another work day (let alone an entire week); and, least favorite of all, my morning commute reminds me that I have to “be” a “part” of “society” once again.

One of the best things about the NFL season is that it gives Monday mornings meaning. There’s Hippo Thoughts (did you get that thing I sent you?), video highlights, insane fantasy football analysis, and the promise of an excellent Monday Night Football match up just hours away (Week 1 of the 2016 season: RAMIT at SF). But in the offseason? Nah.

Like many of you (or not) I listen to my team’s flagship morning show on the way to work. And, before anything else, it’s no secret that I’m not a big fan of the sports media. Anyways, here in Phoenix, it’s the Doug and Wolf Show. The show is your paint-by-numbers ESPN-affiliate broadcast where Doug, the actual broadcast professional and longtime Arizona State sideline reporter, introduces the topic and then former Cardinals Pro-Bowler, Ron Wolfley (Wolf), gives the ol’ ex-player/tough-guy/man’s-man take. Complete with their daily #PanteraCallOut, the Doug and Wolf show has seriously perfected the template of the drive-time sports talk show geared towards 60 year olds riding their Electra Glides to their office sales jobs. It’s tough (Wolf often refers to football as ‘the blood sport’, talks about players competing with ‘dark hearts’, and plays a lot of Tool and Metallica as backgrounds to his takes) but not at all questionable (anytime Wolf celebrates a hard hit, he immediately highlights the importance of safety and proper medical care).

Though Wolf did one day make the point — and the following was his basis for it, not just a bad example for an otherwise fair argument — that even Jesus had to resort to violence to cast the money changers from The Temple. I actually had to take to Twitter to point out that (1) John is the most ‘out there’ of the Gospels; (2) Jesus did not strike any of the money changers (he used the whip to drive out the animals). Wolf tweeted back, effectively, what he said on the show BUT IN ALL CAPS and that was the end of that conversation.

Anyways, this seems like plenty of background to share with you what was discussed this morning as I drove in. Sandwiched between segments on the Diamondbacks slow start and the potential of UFA Jake Coker, Wolf, who is also the Cardinals radio color commentator, gave a detailed breakdown this morning of meeting Arizona’s 1st round pick, Robert Nkemdiche. And not just meeting Nkemdiche but, in the context of the reports about him really having a good first practice (which is what every team reports about their first round picks — except the Jaguars because the first day is when their draftees head to the IR), Wolf gave a detailed and long-winded (you can see where I got the inspiration for this post) account of shaking Nkemdiche’s hand.

Seriously.

Who cares about film? Or scouts. Or meetings. Or the combine. Everything you need to know about Robert Nkemdiche and his impact on the NFC West can be deduced from his handshake. My goodness — it was like the opening scene in Moneyball when the old timers are sitting around talking nonsense about ‘stroke’ and ‘field presence’. Who even cares what a monster’s handshake is? You think Russell Wilson has kind of a weak handshake but really gets the conversation and can maneuver out of tight situations? Or does Ben have a handshake that doesn’t let go and drags you into a bathroom stall? I doubt it. Hell — I’m sure Wes Welker remembers how to shake hands; it doesn’t mean he remembers much else. I’m sure JPP’s handshake is gross and weird while Tom Brady’s pokes you with that needle he’s holding. So what? It’s a handshake, not a 40 yard dash time (the ultimate indicator of success).

Oh, and what did Wolf actually say about Nkemdiche’s handshake? That it was firm but not as hard as Rod Graves‘ who, though he had small hands, would get a solid grip and, oh boy, if he got your fingers then, wowee, all bets were off. So, I guess the takeaway from this hottest of takes is — I don’t know — that Nkemdiche might gets some defensive holding calls but may also not?