DFO Insider: A Bronco’s Tale

INT.  DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY. 

A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers lounge around in an office.  One is reclining on a couch with his eyes closed, smiling faintly, either daydreaming or legitimately asleep.  The other holds a stuffed animal – Odie – by its tongue, watching it twist slowly in the gentle breeze from the air conditioning vents.

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: Yeah, it’s a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon…

A smartwatch notification alert pings.  DTZM turns his arm over, taps the face of his watch, and frowns.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [opens eyes] What was that?

DTZM: Variety just tweeted they cast the male lead in Sony’s movie about the Rodney King riots

RTD: Who’d they go with? Don Cheadle? Denzel Washington?

DTZM: Daniel Craig.

RTD: Ah, nuts.  I mean, I’m happy to see the fellow catch a break, but that’s bad news for our own project.  They’re gonna beat us to theaters by three months.

DTZM: So…I guess that means we’ll be shitcanning it?

RTD: Yeah, I think so.

DTZM: [shakes fist at sky] You win this round, Old School Zero.

RTD: How does he stay one step ahead of us like that? [peers suspiciously around the office, freezes when his eyes fall upon a lamp]

DTZM: [following his gaze] No, I already checked. Caldwell is in Dearborn, getting ready for training camp. [sighs] Well, no point in putting this off. [into intercom] Traycee, can you give Scott Derrickson a call? Let him know that we’re red-lighting “Inglewood Eckstein”.

TRAYCEE: [through intercom] I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Morris. I’ll let him know. Will you be wanting to speak with him directly?

DTZM: [looks at RTD, who shakes his head vigorously] No…tell him we’re not here.

RTD: [stage whisper] On location.

DTZM: Yeah, tell him we’re on location. For the Hard Ride to Nowhere production.

TRAYCEE: Of course. It’s three-fifteen, should I send in your two-thirty appointment?

DTZM: Yeah, I guess he’s waited long enough. Send him in.

— [red square flies open] —

BRONCO: HOW THE [BEEP BOOP BEEP] ARE YOU DOING, HUMANS?

RTD: Bronco, buddy, glad you could make it!

DTZM: We’re really sorry to have kept you waiting.

BRONCO: THAT IS QUITE ALL RIGHT IT GAVE ME TIME TO RECHARGE MY POWER CELLS. YOU HUMANS WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I GOT UP TO LAST NIGHT. I COMPLETELY DESTROYED THIS BUSTED-ASS BLACK…

RTD: [raises hands] Whoa, whoa!

BRONCO: …SMITH ROBOT. AND THEN TO CELEBRATE I WENT OUT TO TOTORAKU FOR A KOBE STEAK AND ENDED UP SPENDING THE NIGHT ON TOP OF THIS NOISY LITTLE JAPANESE…

DTZM: Dude!

BRONCO: …TALKING TOILET BECAUSE THAT SLAB OF BEEF WENT THROUGH MY INTESTINES FASTER THAN…

RTD: [covers ears]

BRONCO: [pauses, looks at him quizzically] …?

RTD: [removes hands] Sorry, I thought you were going to make an Aaron Rodgers joke.

BRONCO: ANYWAY WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

DTZM: We want to option your story. Make a film about what it’s like to train for Battlebots. Show people what REALLY happens behind the steel curtain.

BRONCO: YOU MEAN LIKE A DOCUMENTARY?

RTD: Well, sort of, but we may, uh, adjust situations to make them more dramatic.  And do reshoots in case we don’t get the right reactions the first time.

DTZM: It’s called “scripted reality”. It’s all the rage right now.

BRONCO: NO THANK YOU. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN HAVING CAMERAS FOLLOWING ME AROUND FOR THE NEXT SIX WEEKS.

RTD: Are you sure? It could be a really great opportunity to expand your brand…

DTZM: [to himself] Heh heh, “expand your brand.”

RTD: …and market yourself to sponsors as an influencer with a broad reach. How much is the cash prize winning for that Giant Nut? You get a big enough following, and you’ll make double that with just three or four endorsements on Snapchat. And we can help you make that happen.

BRONCO: THIS SOUNDS LIKE MARKETING I THOUGHT YOU GUYS MADE MOVIES.

RTD: We do! And this will be a movie about you!

DTZM: A Bronco’s Tale!

RTD: Based on the incredible true story!

BRONCO: [Hesitantly] I DON’T KNOW…

DTZM: We were worried you might be a bit apprehensive.

RTD: So we thought we’d bring in a friend of ours to help persuade you…

DTZM: [to intercom] Traycee, send him in.

— [blue square flies open] —

[…to be continued…]